Why he kept my pics on his FB?

71 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Feb 28 - 2PM
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

Why he kept my pics on his FB?

Left my ex 7 months ago because I caught him cheating and went nc, then talked to him, then nc until Dec when he asked to be friends. He was in 12 steps trying to recover.
I agreed to some contact to because I wanted to believe he was trying to recovery from addiction.

Anyway, all of our contact was email and txt, no phone (only the last call last sat which will be last of all contact ever).

In any case, I asked him about a month ago why he kept all my/our pics up on his FB page (my male friend is still his friend and he told me he saw them) and he said "Because I like to remember you and the good times, why should I take them down?"
He then asked if I took his pics down and I said "YES OF COURSE, why would I keep pics and memories of someone who cheated on me"
He was hurt and said "Fine, can't tell you how to heal, but I am not like you"

Are the pics like trophies?

I also need to mention, I realized that 3 months after I left him, I still had his password to his web history. I thought he changed that years ago, but nope, tried it and it worked.
I was able to see his web history for the past 12 months .
He was NOT on any single sites or anything weird, but he was on FB A LOT, and he would go to my pics on friends sites or on a public site I'm on and look at my pic over and over and over!
And to be honest, he was home pretty much every weekend alone. He would not get on his pc if he had company.
He even google mapped some girl's address who invited him to a party on FB and he never went.

What up with that?

Mar 1 - 10AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This got me out of my stupor

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml I just wish I read it within the FIRST three weeks of my relationship...
Mar 1 - 10AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The real self was killed off a long time ago...

http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/01/27/understanding-ego%E2%80%99s-role-life-narcissist
Mar 1 - 8AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yes trophies!

Here's a quote from the Narc "Sick of it its 20 years later and I still want show you off to the business world" "Just wait till I show up with a blonde bombshell no one knows from my past. That should really start the tongues waggin" This was regarding a business cocktail party he wanted me to attend with him. He moved away from our home town to another part of the state that's why I would be a mystery woman from his past they love that sort of thing
Mar 1 - 7AM
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

Yes, part of the game, but I

Yes, part of the game, but I do think he has/had feelings and I only say this because I had access to his web history and he has no idea I did, and I would see he was clicking on my pics over and over. Some nights, he would hit my friends sites, my public site and other sites where I have pics. He was looking at pics of us over and over. No, I truly know he had feelings, but I also believe him keeping my pics on FB was more about "trophie" or showing other women he's not over me so don't get close. Or, he was cheating with a married pig so in case her H looked at his FB, he would think he has a GF and his pig of a wife was safe. And his daughter often uses his pc to take pics of herself and post on her FB, I saw some and can see in the background, he still has all my pics in frames next to his bed and on the dresser! Again, trophies! Who knows though, sick minds cannot be made sense of! Ugh, I just want all of this to go away.......... far away!
Mar 1 - 8AM (Reply to #67)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

The whole time the narc had

The whole time the narc had the pic up he was telling me she was evil and white trash and was not raised by quality people by me and how he felt sorry for her and he would never take her back etc..... I hate to say it but he is probably telling ow horrible things about you
Mar 1 - 8AM (Reply to #29)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

The whole time the narc had

The whole time the narc had the pic up he was telling me she was evil and white trash and was not raised by quality people by me and how he felt sorry for her and he would never take her back etc..... I hate to say it but he is probably telling ow horrible things about you
Mar 1 - 8AM (Reply to #30)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

You're brutal!! hahahah! No,

You're brutal!! hahahah! No, he never talked like that about his other ex's. He told me they were crazy, which I am sure he told others I am, but if he was telling people that, he would not have my pics up! Here is something nuts, when I was on his web history, I saw he joined a singles site (Only one he ever joined) about 2 months ago. I told my friend who is on the same site and she sent him a msg. He had no idea it as my friend. She had no pic and he doesn't know her anyway. She went into a chat with him and talked about me and how much he still loved his ex and knows he can't be with me because we just were not compatible and how great a person I was. And he wants a chance in the future, but we are trying to be friends and how he loves me. Of course, he wanted to meet my friend for "lunch" and she told him "You sound lonely and sad, If u loved someone, then maybe you should have tried harder and why be on a singles site if you still love someone" He said "You're right" and never logged back into the site This was proof he was not bad mouthing me to other women. He's still a narc, but I know he has feelings! Oh and just to add, I told his family and friends about his cheating when it happened. Told them all the details. His friends and family months later still emailed me on my bday, so I don't know how much bad he said about me!
Mar 2 - 8PM (Reply to #66)
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

The point is.....

You said in your post: "He was NOT on any single sites or anything weird, but he was on FB A LOT" and then you said: "Here is something nuts, when I was on his web history, I saw he joined a singles site (Only one he ever joined) about 2 months ago" No matter the case INVADING HIS PRIVACY AND YOUR "FRIEND" BAITING HIM INTO A CHAT IS NOT NC, nor moving on, nor trying to figure out a Narc, just his "feelings" for you or that he is not moving onto anyone else because he still "love" you, either way it's making you do these things, besides you asked him why he had the pics up and he answered, why can't that be good enough? Move on, the ladies are all right in their response, what do you want to really hear? Accepting the reality is heavy but it must be done in order to move on, if he called his wife an idiot that is "bad talking" if it's not I don't know what is, him bad talking the Xgf but not his x wife doesn't make it acceptable, perhaps he hasn't bad talked you but the point is none of this matters in your recovery, face the reality he is what he is and move on, block his fb, stop accessing his web history, no friends baiting him on singles sites, NC means letting EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH NARC GO and embracing what's truly yours, best wishes!

stay~strong

Mar 1 - 9AM (Reply to #33)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Classic...

She went into a chat with him and talked about me and how much he still loved his ex and knows he can't be with me because we just were not compatible and how great a person I was. And he wants a chance in the future, but we are trying to be friends and how he loves me. And you think he doesn't know that trashing in the beginning makes sane women run in the other direction? Let me ask you: If it were you and some guy was trashing his ex would you not think: "Oh, he'll do the same to me?" These guys are master manipulators...they use a slow pull...first they start out nice, giving the fascade of normalcy...then when they have you pulled in slowly they unravel their version of truth...this is to get "sympathy"...once your friend said her piece, he learned how her mind thinks thats why he vanished from conversation with her. These guys are classic - not hard to figure out at all... Yours is not unique...
Mar 1 - 9AM (Reply to #34)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Slow pull

Yup. That was my take too. He's setting the hook. "Oh, I care for her so very much but we can't be together" gradually becomes "I did everything I could, but I just couldn't make her happy. Poor me. I'm so wounded. Don't you want to pick me up, dust me off, and prove to me that you're better than the evil, demanding, impossible-to-please woman who broke my heart?" OK, he probably won't say that EXACTLY (would make it easier to see through if they would though) but that is generally the message. Then, when the demands of the new relationship start becoming too much, he can fall back on the "not over my ex, need to take it slow" routine.
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #37)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

Ok, I know narcs are

Ok, I know narcs are demented, but not all have the same MO! Yes, he could have been trying to instill the "poor me" with this fake on line singles thing, but he was married for 20 yrs before I met him and not once did he say a bad word about his ex wife to me. He did about his ex GF before me, but never once about his wife. When his ex wife would do something stupid, he would say "she was an idiot". His ex wife did cheat on him, then left him and he did tell me that. And when I became friends with is ex' wife sister (she stayed friends with my ex also) she told me her sister was not nice to my ex and how she cheated and lied to him over and over. And how my ex was a good guy (she didn't realize he has NPD obviously) But NO, I do not believe all narcs act the same. Yes he's sick, yes he needs source, but he did not try to gain my sympathy by bad mouthing his ex. He treated her with respect when he went to get the kids and she treated him with respect and she was always nice to me when we got together. Ugh, I feel like I'm defending him. I know he's sick and yes he's delusional, but not all people with this disorder have the same mo. Just the way I see it
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #65)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Kool aid comes in many

Kool aid comes in many different flavors but in the end its still kool aid. Narcs come in different flavors some have every chracteristic others just a few but the big picture is they have no empathy or ability to love. I know this is tough. I remember when I had to accept that he didn't love me. It took awhile and a ton of reading but I finally got it. It crushed I had a previous relationship with this man for 5 years and then he comes back 15 years later to do it again? I couldn't fathom it. I know I was in denial for quite awhile I couldn't grasp that chunks of my life were a lie but they were. You will come to accept on your own time frame. Keep educating yourself and you will see in time we are right.
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #64)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Kool aid comes in many

Kool aid comes in many different flavors but in the end its still kool aid. Narcs come in different flavors some have every chracteristic others just a few but the big picture is they have no empathy or ability to love. I know this is tough. I remember when I had to accept that he didn't love me. It took awhile and a ton of reading but I finally got it. It crushed I had a previous relationship with this man for 5 years and then he comes back 15 years later to do it again? I couldn't fathom it. I know I was in denial for quite awhile I couldn't grasp that chunks of my life were a lie but they were. You will come to accept on your own time frame. Keep educating yourself and you will see in time we are right.
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #63)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

No, not all narcs are created equal...

Take for example my friend's soon to be Narc EX husband...twenty years married...four kids... Towards the end he was busy trolling on every online site, virtually ignoring her...she grew lonely... She forgave his cheating in the past but after 18 years of his running around a few times...she cheated ONCE...of course this was a deal breaker and something that was an undercurrent...but they stayed together...both "Christian" of course... So at one point, they're out driving and she shares with him how lonely and tortured she feels as he is neglecting her emotionally... He beat the hell out of her... I'm sure he's singing her praises to the next one...and making sure to explain how the marriage failed because of HER cheating...and of course he did nothing wrong...and he's just such a victim...but 20 years married...Looks good on a resume huh? Yea...okay... And I'm also certain in fact I'd bet my left boob that as a result of her faithfulness and commitment and loyalty to the marriage she didn't go around town telling everyone HE cheated when he did...she kept mum and worked on the marriage which is WHY no one knew he ever had it in him... Probably the same story with the EX wife in this scenario... In the world of BLACK and WHITE dysfunction...there will never be a shade of gray...
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #58)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Truly

We will have to agree to disagree. What I see in your posts concerns me. I get the impression that you are not yet convinced this guy is toxic. You see his obsession with looking at old photos as evidence of "feelings." Your see your friend's conversation with him as similar evidence. You are looking through his web history piecing together his activities (did he go to the party or didn't he? did he join a dating site or didn't he?) for the same reason. This is not healthy behavior. Frankly, you ARE still defending him. And not just in your response to me above, but in nearly every post in this thread. This is why we are all telling you to read, listen, learn from us. These guys are more the same than they are different, I promise you. Do they vary their MO? Sure. But they all operate from the same self-centeredness. I'm not trying to beat you up over this. Getting over a relationship with one of these guys is so hard and my heart goes out to you. I want to help you; we all do. Please at least CONSIDER what we are saying.
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #59)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

You are wrong! read my other

You are wrong! read my other posts and you will see how OFF base you are with your assumption of me and my situation. I am NOT defending his actions, all I said was "he did not bad mouth his ex wife" and "I believe he did have feelings" This is how I see it, it doesn't make me unaware of his sickness! I have said in every post, he's sick, and demented. I've been in Al anon for 18 months and therapy and away from him for 7 months. I LEFT HIM and I am not delusional about how toxic and sick he is! You dont need to convince me and I don't need to consider, I'm not a child, new to the planet. I take what I need and leave the rest. And frankly, it's UNCOOL that I am here now trying to defend myself against people that I don't know and that's don't know me!
Mar 1 - 11AM (Reply to #62)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Trulybroken

Then if I may ask...what kind of support do you feel you need from us? Maybe that will bring it back to a more comfortable terriroty and neutralize the defensiveness I think is starting to surface...none of us here are trying to put anyone on guard...nor want to feel triggered into "self-guarding" We are concerned because we know how bad the cognitive dissonance is... How in even a short time, great damage can be done... How even IF we think we've settled it in our minds, out of nowhere, this "trauma" or "abuse" sneaks up in our psyche and knocks the wind out of us... And listening to you, reading what you're writing...we are concerned I will scratch that and speak for myself - but I believe others hold the same sentiment...because in some respects...it seems like you're scratching the surface but really don't quite understand the depth of this disorder. NOW - perfectly possible your guy isn't a Narc...maybe something else, but symptoms with PDI's all overlap. BUT rather than get caught up in tension...what is it you feel you need to help you? What is it that you are seeking? How can we help...do you just need an ear want to vent but don't necessarily want to be advised?...We are all in this together and we're not trying to shove anything down your throat BUT it is common for many of us who haven't quite goten it...to discover that much to our chagrin we KEEP on ending up in these screwed up relationships with screwed up people...and I believe collectively, we are trying to heal and make sure not to get caught up again "unaware"
Mar 1 - 11AM (Reply to #61)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Truly in time you will come

Truly in time you will come to see what we are telling you is true. I know you want to feel as thought you were special but the truth is you are not. I remember having this same argument with people when I was new. I said no I don't think y'all understand but they understood alright and in the following months I came to know they were right. You will too in your own time. I think to accept that now would simply send you into unfathomable pain so I think your in self preservation mode
Mar 1 - 11AM (Reply to #60)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Truly in time you will come

Truly in time you will come to see what we are telling you is true. I know you want to feel as thought you were special but the truth is you are not. I remember having this same argument with people when I was new. I said no I don't think y'all understand but they understood alright and in the following months I came to know they were right. You will too in your own time. I think to accept that now would simply send you into unfathomable pain so I think your in self preservation mode
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #38)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Truly broken

If he's so wonderful why are you here? The truth will set you free! Fantasy Island was canceled years ago! Get off the Love Boat too! Idealk
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #39)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

I never said he was

I never said he was wonderful!!!!! Some of you are not being very kind!
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #52)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Trulybroken

I call it tough love here because honesty is the best policy in our recovery. Ideal and the other ladies have been an enormous help in my recovery. I was where you were so many times I can't count. I would always second guess myself. What if this or why is that? You have to stop your own pain. The ladies are all correct. We are here to help and will give you support. Please just know that you wouldn't be here if there wasn't something really wrong with this man. Big Hugs Happy
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #53)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

F that, this is not tough

F that, this is not tough love, seriously, this is abusive in my eyes! Not cool! I don't need "tough love". I'm not new to this illness and am a 44 yrs old women who knows the deal with the ex. Ugh, not feeing as great about this site as I did yesterday!
Mar 1 - 11AM (Reply to #54)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I'm 43, and I've been Narced,

I'm 43, and I've been Narced, it's your choice. We can't all be wrong. Maybe your Narcs not a Narc either. This site saved my life! Good Luck
Mar 1 - 11AM (Reply to #55)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

What exacty are you trying to

What exacty are you trying to prove me wrong about? Did I say he wasn't a sick narc? Because I disagree that I believe he had feelings, this is why I'm being lambasted and given "tough love" Ridiculous! Now I am really done with this thread! Just so silly!
Mar 1 - 11AM (Reply to #57)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It is very simple

Narcs do not have true emotions!!! So If you believe yours does then it is contradictory to call him a narc... BUT his behaviors as YOU report with the exception of "feelings" sounds like a narc to me..like they say: "If it walks like a duck..."
Mar 1 - 11AM (Reply to #56)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Truly

All of us here care more about you more than are understanding. This is a group of women who have been in your shoes. We have all been abused by the same disorder! You are in denial, Michele has given yousome reading material I suggest you read it! I wish you understood who we are! God Bless, yes you are Truly Broken indeed!
Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #42)
spinning
spinning's picture

Truly,

We are here to help you and sometimes in the early stages some of the words seem 'unkind.' But they're not, they're just saying the truth. that's the thing about posting. You have to be ready for what you will hear. If you're early in NC, you're still in the fog and you feel so wounded by the D & D that it seems like some of the responses hurt, too. But it's not meant that way. We have no room for BS here, we've all had enough of it from the disordered ones. This is about US, not THEM. Shift the focus; that's all. We know he's not wonderful...Do you know how unwonderful he is? You must because you're here. Tell yourself you do not deserve such torture. Tell yourself you will no longer be truly broken; Listen to the words here and take what you will to move away from the madness of what you were caught up in. I've been here a long time, look and see. This is a process and if you really want to help yourself you need to TRY HARD to stop focusing on what he's doing and why and focus on what you need to do to lose the jerk. Hugs and good vibes... Sincerely (really trying hard to stop) spinning

spinning

Mar 1 - 11AM (Reply to #43)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

I am going NC for life which

I am going NC for life which I said in many of my other posts. What is every trying to convince me of exactly? Did I say he was wonderful? I think you all need to read my other posts. thanks, done with this
Mar 1 - 11AM (Reply to #51)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

We are all trying to...

Come to terms and not only master the art of NC but find peace within ourselves in order to truly heal. This type of relationship can leave a devastating mark on the psyche. Leave you feeling bad about yourself, leave you unable to trust yourself, your judgement, others...there is a lot at stake here in healing...not just going NC... We are all trying to come to terms and help eachother...