Why is it easier to blame ourselves?

I really believe that so much of the pain in our lives is caused (or made worse) by our tendency to personalize everything that happens around us. This seems to be universally true because we all are a little bit narcissistic- just not toxically so.

I'm not sure about your childhood history but I'm guessing that many of you had at least one personality disordered parent of other significant person in your life as you were growing up. I know that my path to co-dependance started in my early childhood- thinking that I could placate my PD'ed parents or somehow love them back to health.

Volumes could be written on that subject (not going there now) but I just wanted a brief mention of that twisted dynamic because those behaviors translate horribly later in life.

So basically, as a toddler, I began to internalize my parent's inability to love and care for me. And later, as an adult, I became overly responsible for the well-being of those around me. (Compare that to Narc-Boy taking personal responsibility for nothing!)

In short, I (and possibly you, too)- WE were perfectly groomed for Mr. NarcoPath to waltz into our lives. He was not THAT good- we come pretty much 'Ready-to-Wear'!

I write this because, in the 6 months or so that I've been on this forum, so much more pain is heaped upon us by none other than OURSELVES. I'm not saying that all our agony is self-inflicted- it REALLY sucks to have been blind-sided by a Narcissist! But we add to the devastation by further blaming ourselves.

How do we do this? We add to our misery by:

~Denying his disorder

~Minimizing his disorder and ALL it's pathology

~Taking his symptoms/behavior towards us personally

~Blaming ourselves for his deranged ways

~Trying to 'love' him back to health

~Blaming ourselves again because that didn't work. Nothing 'worked'.

(I could go on but I think you get the drift).

A good example of this blame-game surrounds my child's chemical addictions. When I discovered that my (then) teenaged daughter was 'using', I was DEVASTATED. For many months afterward I doubted myself and my parenting abilities. I constantly asked myself, "Was I too permissive here?", "Was I too strict there?", "Did I let her have a pacifier too long?" (That was supposed to be funny!)

I questioned EVERYTHING!

Until I came to the realization that my blaming myself for her addiction was a way I could feel a measure of control.
After all, if it was ALL my fault and I CAUSED her addiction, then I could also FIX her, too. Right?

It took a long while before I could humbly accept that I was/am not the ALL POWERFUL woman/mother that I think I am. I cannot 'love' her back to health, either.

So maybe that's why we blame ourselves for the demise of the 'relationship' with Mr. Narc. If it's ALL OUR FAULT, then we can rectify the situation. (Perhaps that's just the co-dependent's way of playing god).

So, when we take a step back from the painful process of extricating the disordered man from our lives, hearts and minds- and we come to realize that we cannot change his pathology, we also understand that it's not really about us, after all:

NARC-BOY WAS A NARC BEFORE YOU MET HIM AND HE WILL 'NARCIFY' ALL HIS FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS- GUARANTEED!

So breathe. Take a step back. Now enjoy a new level of freedom...

We are all not without our issues but it's high time that we start giving ourselves some credit. After all, it takes a certain amount of humility to admit that, despite all our efforts, the 'relationship' failed. (Many people are not so courageous to embrace the truth. My Ex-Preacher man has a WHOLE congregation deluded!) And we need to commend ourselves for that realization. After all, we did 'crack the Narc-code', get out of that 'quasi-relationship', make it to this forum, and institute a 'No Contact' policy. All because we want so much more for ourselves. We want to live more serenely, more spiritually and more authentically.

Booyah and amen.