Why is it so important for me to want to validate the truth to others??

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bgirl
bgirl's picture
Why is it so important for me to want to validate the truth to others??

Why is it so important for me to want to validate the truth about M to others? It should be enough that I know the truth, right?

I think it's because ppl make comments and ask me questions about him who see him in his professional capacity and I want to tell the truth but I never do.

I say nothing....but damn it makes me frustrated to know he walks around (struts rather) behind his false reputation.

Why am I so bothered? I know I shouldn't be but I am......:|

c_jennings
c_jennings's picture
Crazymaking...
because they are so good at what they do that no one believes they are not that fun, fantastic person behind closed doors...and it makes you look like the crazy one!! the narcs that are cheating/drinking/physically abusive are easier to spot...but the covert ones....very tough and only those who live with them know...and even that takes time to figure out...
Hunter
Hunter's picture
Really think here... My guess
Really think here... My guess is you don't need to tell them at alll.. They already know.. I remember being with my Narc.. I also remember how his "friends" behaved around him.. Looking back.. They tolerated him.. These people ask because they want to see If you've had the revelation.. Hunter
bgirl
bgirl's picture
You may just be right on the
You may just be right on the money here Hunter :)
las730
las730's picture
Me too
That is what's swirling in my head right now. I need to get it out. Because it is about him and not you. I've learned I need to take care and love me first. When we do we make better decisions and see things more clearly. If you have a good answer ... let me know. :)
lightandlove
lightandlove's picture
validation
I think it was so important for me to be validated as much of my life with my ex and what I went through was private and hidden from the world as a consequence of the way he made us live and the way I let him control the way we lived. The last thing a Narc wants is for the world to know who he really is. It's the secrets, lies and deceit that give him his false power. As I have listed in my own profile story - one of the most powerful sentences in one of the It's All About Him book series is that pathological narcissism manifests itself in a relatonship. The shocking part about Narcs is that many of their friends (if they actually have any) and most importantly their family do not and do not want to accept that there is anything wrong with Him. As a result, we (the victims) are isolated and literally excommunicated once the relationship is over. We are demonised and ignored. My ex's parents live just down the road from me and when I have run into them over the past 8 months, his father will simply say hello (reluctantly) whereas his mother ( who has a friggin lot to answer for) will put her head down, scurry past and ignore me as if I am invisible ! As much as I agree with many of the comments that it's most important that we know our own truth - I would also suggest that it's super important not to hide your experience, don't cover it up, don't shy away form telling your truth. I actually advocate telling as many people as who will listen. Although, He does not like this one little bit as it really demonstrates that I am not under his control anymore. He has accused me of milking sympathy out of anyone who will listen. Well, damn straight I will tell anyone who offers to listen - but I don't expect nor want sympathy - just understanding and the forum in which to finally speak my truth and be myself for the first time in 3 years ! Speak out as loudly as you can and be proud ! Sandra
abusednomore
abusednomore's picture
they dont like it when you
they dont like it when you tell other people. when my ex suddenly left i posted on facebook about how heartbroken i was, as i had a lot of friends people started commenting. He then deleted me as a friend on facebook, when i talked to him that day he said that it was because he didnt want to read what i was putting! hmmmm, cos it was the truth, and having to face up to the reality that he had actually hurt me and my 6 year old daughter by just upping and leaving and never coming back to explain, was probably too much for him. And also i now believe that it was because his OW was friends with him on facebook too! and obv he jus wanted to start his new life asap, as he had then deleted all my family and friends!!!! haha! just shows how pathetic those they r! His friends were then private messaging me saying they couldnt believe what he had done, and that he hadnt talked to them and was ignoring them. the exnarc had a group of about 5 friends and GF's who he had grown up with, and these were the people who were tellin me they all think hes a dick for what hes doin, etc etc. but this support soon stopped after a couple of months, he then must have got his claws into them and told them all what a psycho bitch i was and how its all my fault! i took myself off facebook for a couple of months but when i went back on in december one of his friends girlfriends had written on her status, 'how a certain someone needs to take their head out of their arse and realise they chose the person they were with and just needs to sort themselves out!!!!!' lol, obv on about me but didnt have the guts to say it to my face! my action, delete and block! say whatever u want luv, u were never my friend and u r just a little puppet in his game if u beleive him!!! lol! and in my last conversation with him in Novemeber, he mentioned something about me making him out to be a nutter!!!! haha! i said ur actions speak for themselves!!! so its so obv they spin their lies, but let them, i know im around people that love and care for me for who i truly am, the narcs havent got any TRUE friends, and that must be a sad life! lol! Sorry if i went off on a tangent there! lol!!! The upshot is, i have come to realise (and it took about 5months) that who cares what they tell people, as long as the people who are around u know the truth then thats all that matters, they will get their comeuppance and their supposed "friends" that they have now, how many weddings/engagements/moving in together" is it really gonna take b4 they start to think, hmmmmm maybe it is him!!!! lol! but by that time they will be long gone in our thoughts as we will have been living the life we were supposed too.xxx
bgirl
bgirl's picture
Abusednomore u are
Abusednomore u are right...let them go ride off into the sunset together...I don't know why things happen but that part of letting go of the injustice is one of the hardest things to do..
abusednomore
abusednomore's picture
bgirl it is the hardest
bgirl it is the hardest thing, and i still struggle with not thinking about them as a couple. even in the car on the way home from work i was thinking about how just over 6months ago i was driving home to him and that is prob what she is doing now! so i turned my music up really loud, smiled and the thought went away! its just trying to find other happier things to think about. It is hard but we will be so much stronger and happier within ourselves when we finally let go of this last hurdle!!!!xxx
bgirl
bgirl's picture
Sandra that made me
Sandra that made me smile.... I did tell his boss...i also told the CEO of the whole organisation and the MPO and the HR manager...hope they enjoyed dissecting my life over a few wines. It was the truth though. I had and still have nothing to hide. He should and will run if he ever sees me or any of my family. That makes me smile just a teenie bit. I also told a family (a good gf of mine) the whole story, she's been with me every step of the way and her husband even went so far as to tell him...you are no longer a friend of mine...they have been 'friends' for 25 years....but now he too can see the real man behind the mask, lots of things are clicking into place for him too and he doesn't like what he sees either. So yep...he doesn't know they all know...but some people do know and for me it doesn't matter what their judgement is on me. HE is the one who survives on false niceties..not me :) Thank u for your post...made me giggle a bit :) lol
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture
Once you validate yourself,
Once you validate yourself, what these other people think will not matter. Validating myself took some time. You know he is a lowlife narc, it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.
las730
las730's picture
You are right
Because those people are his friends and family. Even if you tell all they will turn that around and say you are crazy. They will side with him 100%. I've seen it first hand.
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture
So agree Redhead1 :)
Amen, allelujah and all that good stuff. :) But damn the self validation and wanting to scream out to all and sundry sure did take a while to sink in. The less you talk about it to others, the more his actions/rants and probably attempts to discredit you in some/any way look foolish. Case in point -- look to celebrity breakups. It's always the person who stays quiet that you respect in the end and as the other person goes on and on, you look at them a bit oddly after a while...and then you see the pattern when they do the same to the next target. I have a mantra/value I stick by: I don't confirm or deny rumors or gossip. I just smile and walk away or I simply say "I'm sorry but I don't discuss my personal life; I'm very private that way." It drives the wrong gossipy sort of people crazy....and I have to admit, I love that. ;)
beverly
beverly's picture
Others only see the "wonderful" side of him
I have just left my "N" after 34 years of marriage. I am so wore down after all of his shenanigans. Whenever we were out in public, most of the time he always put his best foot forward and tried to act like he was the good one. I was always wrong, crazy, on drugs, loosing my mind... But I finally found out about narcissism and I had all of my feelings and thoughts validated. It was hard to move yesterday and all the way to the house in a rental truck I had to keep telling myself, " He's being good now, but it won't last." I kept saying it over and over to keep up my strength. He actually had the nerve to ask me if he did something wrong. He won't work, has been remodeling our house for 15 years and only one room is finished. For the last two months I have been sleeping in the extra bedroom and I have almost been living in there to avoid any confrontation with him. I have left him time and time again but I always went back. He's a smooth talker. But I now understand why I kept going back. But this time it is for sure over. I am exercising the "No contact" rule which will be hard for the grandbabies, but when they get older hopefully they will understand. Everyone, if I can do it, you can do it. Happy New year to all.
Redhead
Redhead's picture
Beverly
were we married to the same narc?
bgirl
bgirl's picture
Beverly wishing you strength
Beverly wishing you strength in what must be an extraordinarily difficult time xxx
Night Owl
Night Owl's picture
I would get so frustrated
I would get so frustrated when people would say what a nice guy he was. Oh do I understand! Foolishly I tried to say something once to my N's mother (I know, dumb move!) and her reply was "that's a lie, my son would never do that"! aaaaaaaarrrrggggghhhh!!!!!
TNR1
TNR1's picture
Even if you were to tell the
Even if you were to tell the truth...chances are you would simply be labeled the crazy one by him. It is a good desire to want to spare others..but Narcs are very charming and there are unfortunately always going to be individuals who fall for that charm. If there is any possibility for you to not associate to individuals who talk about him, I would do that or simply ask to not discuss him.
foreverfun1
foreverfun1's picture
yeah i feel this way too. i
yeah i feel this way too. i dont want anyone to be hurt like i have by this evil being
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture
I had this too
especially in the beggining, partly it was to spare others but it always felt like it was more than that, I couldnt quite figure it out, My guesses were that I needed others to see it so I didnt feel so crazy or that it was so abusive and if no one knew then it was like he was still getting away with it. I feel it less these days but I did feel it again today and funny thing is he is up to his old tricks,
bgirl
bgirl's picture
Yes I know....it is
Yes I know....it is frustrating....our family even wrote 20 pages of insight and time line with 3 psychologist reports about this guy continuing to have this job where he has the duty of care of children...the organization involved were like.....sorry there are no legal grounds.....so morals, and ethos don't apply to contact with children. It is appalling. Even if they do believe you there is nothing anyone can officially do as he hasn't broken any law as such. What a society we live in :/ I tried....I just hope no one else suffers like we have.
walking_on_sunshine
walking_on_sunshine's picture
It is a crime
There should be a crime of gross moral misconduct with intention to create harm
peacelily76
peacelily76's picture
It's been recognised in France as a crime - yippee!
The French have recently recognised psychological abuse as a criminal act and victims can make a case. Groundbreaking huh? Let's hope it's a trend!!
bgirl
bgirl's picture
Absolutely....absofreakinlute
Absolutely....absofreakinlutely!!!