Working through negative emotions

I haven't seen him since Dec 29th, talked to him since Jan 12th, have been total NC for 16 days after a feeble hoover attempt two weeks ago, I don't expect another. It really feels over...but I've felt sad, confused, afraid, angry and bitter the last couple of days. Sad because all illusions have been stripped away. There is no amount of denial and un-knowing on my part, or manipulation and love-bombing on his part, that could ever take us back to those wonderful, heady weeks in the beginning. Denial has always been my "go-to"defense mechanism. It has continually allowed me to abuse myself and not only accept abuse from others, but quite literally, chase after my abusers, so that the belief I hold in my head that "I am bad" can be reinforced. Refusing the comfort of my old friend denial is uncomfortable at best, terrifying at worst.

Angry because I feel so emotionally violated, intentionally tricked by another human into caring for a persona rather than a person. The depth of the deception is astounding. I fluctuate between head spinning confusion and seething anger over this violation. I was kidnapped, beaten, and raped by a stranger at 19, I've been in physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive relationships, but never have I felt so violated, used, and disposed of as I did with this Narc.

Bitter because here I sit...I post and read on the forum every day, I'm in therapy 3 times a week (group and individual), I meditate, I psychic chord cut, I study - PDs and my own self-esteem and co-dependency issues, I nurture inner-children, I self affirm, I pray, I write letters, I have psychic conversations, I scream, cry, pound fists and kick feet, I feel my feelings...blabbity blab blab. I still feel like crap, and him? Completely delusional "great guy" merrily skipping round picking out the lucky gals who get to serve as supply next.

xoxo
Lynn