Yes, we all need to read this...

19 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 12 - 8AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Yes, we all need to read this...

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

In my opinion, it is very important at a certain point to pull oneself up by the bootstraps and get serious about healing.

This statement is not an inference that anyone here isn't. We are dealing with significant pain and suffering; however, at what point do we decide enough is enough?

While it's been said there is no time limit for healing, I believe that a certain amount of effort - work has to be done to heal. We cannot continue to go on day after day ruminating, analyzing, dissecting and replaying the tapes. At a certain point, there has to be some action or motivation to strive to get off the broken record that keeps playing in our minds. If we allow it, it will consume us and we will never get out of the loop.

I have been flattered by comments of how quickly I've come around - but I have to state,it was not easy. It took work. It took at times staying away from the board because the discussion triggered too many unhappy memories.

It is good to talk about things, get things off of one's chest cry go through all the range of emotions; however, at a certain point the focus on them and what they did has to STOP. Our thoughts create our reality...if we keep bringing them up into our thoughts, how do they every LEAVE our reality?

Really being able to heal from this situation requires some very coarse big girl panties...or big boy underoos...to whom it applies. Coarse because there is nothing comfortable with any of it; however, it also requires us to examine what weakness/vunerabilities existed within us that allowed us to end up in such an insane mess.

Yes, I've read the Narc "targets" and that is true - but if you really think about it...not EVERY person the narc targeted got taken...there were a number of rejections before somoene said yes...and this has nothing to do with "self esteem" rather than perhaps "issues" that are unresolved within ourselves.

It will take time to heal. I am not 100%. Where I stand, I know that I would not fall victim to any of his shenanigans...BUT, might I fall for another Narc? I'm not sure. What I do know is that I've felt in bondage for a very long time - and some of it was SELF inflicted and so I am embarking on a journey of breaking those chains absent the distraction of anyone other than my son. It is time I lived for me. The myth of the fairytale has been debunked and the next person will either be in it with me - or there will be no "us" and I'm fine living alone for the rest of my life if that is what it takes - as I will no longer compromise myself in exchange for someone else's happiness.

I'd like to share two songs that I think are very appropriate for the stage I'm in and if you relate, perhaps you will enjoy them also.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8W4DEMUSeM
Note: Thunderdome in the urban dictionary is defined as:
Turbulent, utter mayhem; a state of violent confusion or commotion.
We have been in a battle...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_CU-9FNoDE
Until we forgive, we cannot find peace...

Hugs!

#2 Jan 12 - 9PM

Frosti

Thank you for what you

Thank you for what you wrote! I 'logically' agree with all that was stated. I hope to be there in that full mind-set in short time. I have been getting out of my own horrible nightmare for 6 years. I am at my end now. I have had NC for 3 days and I pray he does not contact me. I have no trouble not contacting him, as long as he leaves me alone. I prayed all day that he would not as I didn't know if I was strong enough to not speak w/him. The reality is, I feel worthless and ashamed,(along with a zillion other emotions). I lost my job today, due to this stupid non relationship. I cannot blame him anymore. I know what he is. I know the games and the abuse and the hurts he causes. All the manipulations! I choose to stay. It is what is missing within me. I need to find the unbalance within myself so I am not here again. I am scared. I am hurting in ways I never dreamed was possible. I am not sure what I will do. I do know I have to heal. I have to do the work to heal. I feel so very alone inside. I know that if I felt healthy within me, I would not feel that way. Thank you again for all the helpful reading!

#3 Jan 12 - 7PM

Susan32

Detachment

The ex-Psych professor always made a big deal about it. He claimed I had "unhealthy" relationships to people, that I was the boundary violator, etc. He would talk about how when he'd die he'd become one with Universal Love. When I read that he had given a lecture 2 years ago, my response was so different as when I dealt with him on a daily, bodily basis. It was a strange detachment. Okay, he gave a lecture, he's suddenly a literature expert, he got grant $$$.... and I didn't care. I know that a decade ago, I probably would've been outraged. (I was probably unemployed at the time too, adding to the outrage) 14 years ago, I would've been excited and enthused, heaping praise on him. But I felt nothing. My mental response was "Oh, he gave a lecture? Move along, nothing to see here..."

#4 Jan 12 - 7PM

onwithmylife

Michele 115- thanks for the posting!!!

this is an absolute wonderful article and I am printing it out to remind myself to move on even at a slow and steady pace and i do think I am doing just that. i feel a little embarrassed it has taken me so long to move on, 2 years, but slowly I am getting better and have to remind myself I did not have full use of this board and spent the first 6 months or so just trying to figure out what was wrong with the man and the relationship, so thanks for the article, I was making better strides before I found out about his dying from 2 cancers but still will trudge on and enjoy the rest of my life........He does not want or need my sympathy so none he will get, he has made it crystal clear and in the end that has helped me out a lot.

#5 Jan 13 - 8AM (Reply to #16)

michele115 (not verified)

OWL

Drop the embarassment - healing comes in its own time in its own shape, form and fashion... The goal is to get there, not meet a "time" limit. I'm here with you all the way! Hugs...

#6 Jan 12 - 2PM

Briseis

Yes, at some point we must

Yes, at some point we must get out the Big Girl Panties and put them on :) You will put yours on when the time is right for you. I trust everyone here knows when that time will be. It comes earlier for some than others. I don't know how many times I SWORE I put on my big girl panties only to find I was wearing a pull up though :D Just take off the pull up and put on another pair o' the BGPs lol! We have a joke going on over on the new forum chat about a reality TV show where I am going to be The Narc Hunter, and I'm looking for a line of promotional products :D What do you all think of a line of designer Big Girl Panties, hmmm?? We could do thongs to grannie panties, whatever you prefer. Seriously though :P The point is, that putting on the Big Girl Panties is the goal. It's a journey to get there, and everyone will get there at the right time for them. What we are responsible to do is commit to getting there. We have survived a war. We already know we were too healthy for him, and he dumped us because we were too hard to conquer. We are some seriously tough biatches :D . Whether you feel it or not, you are TOUGH. Resilient, and unbeatable. Time to own it people :)

#7 Jan 12 - 12PM

momoya

Pain and Letting Go

Great post! I have to call myself out here - and I wonder what the motive is for all of us (some of the new not so much) but the over for a long time relationships... It seems we still seek out the source of our pain, and pain is the only connection to the narc now. I agree that there needs to be a personal decision to put it behind us, and move forward and not allow ourselves the indulgence to look back anymore (or try to peek into their lives), because it serves no purpose. AFter reading and researching and finding our own answers and working towards healing...not to continue to ruminate or obsess over the "why's" and "how's" of them anymore and focus purely on ourselves. I find comfort in comforting others and offering support, but I also over the holidays had to stay away from the board as I didn't want my holiday to focus on him. that being said, it is still hard to detach from this whole ordeal for me, and yet I am not sure why. I don't consider myself attached to him, because what I have learned has caused me to despise him now. The is a part of me that totally sees what I need to do in order to forget him and I no longer having the racing thoughts and bad dreams.

momoya

#8 Jan 12 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

michele115 (not verified)

Thank you Momoya

First, thanks for the compliment.. I haven't read your story and I'm sorry that I haven't. Just peeking in for a moment - when I'm here, I feel like I'm around people...LOL DUH - guess cause I am?...LOL - I did check to see how long since you've joined and I note only seven weeks. As per your post, I think it is important for me to claify that what we've experienced is a very deep wound - a complicated wound - this was not a normal breakup...there was damage done to the psyche. Healing that takes time. A number of us have suffered from PTSD - that doesn't just get shaken off so I don't want anyone to feel that I am "minimizing" the impact. Equally, feelings, emotions are very complicated and so it would not be normal to say: Oh, I just won't think about that cause I will not to - touche...because in essence...I guess that would make us narcs!...instead, when I speak about doing the work etc., it means going through the emotions, riding the wave, suffering through it but tempering after a certain point to say, okay - I've shared, I've complained, I've ranted, I've raved, I've felt sorry for myself, I've read everything I could, I've poked dolls and waved wands, I've done it all and at this point now, I am consciously changing directions...I am deciding that he may very well continue to live free in my head, but I am moving forward and everytime he attempts to invade MY thoughts, I will ignore him, divert attention and consciously bring the thought back to ME. I will change the way I think about this...I will move into the realm of positive..."How am I better off?" "What am I going to do for me today that will be a testamant to my growth" "What have I been putting off as a result of being with him and going through this that I can do TODAY that will be one small step closer to healing?" "What dreams are inside me that I denied?" "What is a small thing I can do that will make me feel good?" "How can I indulge me?" Bring it all back to the self. Which I note you get, but I wanted to re-iterate it lest someone gets the impression I am minimizing the process, the suffering and the pain involved. You then said - It is still hard to detach from this whole ordeal for me, and yet I am not sure why. If my assumption is correct with time away from the relationship, seven weeks is not long at all. Detaching as per the article - if you read it takes at minimum 12 steps and just like any other step work program, it is something that may have to be revisited over and over until it becomes second nature, so I wouldn't get twisted on the timing thing...I'd focus more on the action of bringing thoughts back to self whenever you find yourself stuck on the loop. I have improved in many many ways, but there are still certain things that need to be tweaked - but I have allowed and give myself permission to go at MY pace...again...key word "MY" which is self - I think we need to learn to get into the habit of accepting ourselves, doing what pleases us, dancing to the beat of our drum as well as being in tune with OUR OWN rhythm without comparing our personal progress to others. What is to be admired is the journey, the courage and the strength one has going through it, vs. how "quickly" one "recovers" Now when you say: I don't consider myself attached to him, because what I have learned has caused me to despise him now. It will take time - and you can't feel what you don't feel - I'm not sure I am even at 100% pure forgiveness yet myself - it is a feeling that is floating in and out...but in the end, when it is pure, you will know it for now, you can't rush yourself - you can't "will" yourself to forgive." I remember people would tell me..."Oh you have to forgive him for yourself, this helps you to release him" and cognitively I knew that BUT...I just wasn't feeling it...and I think it's okay...I think that every feeling needs to be felt and purged in order to heal then at a certain point, you throw your hands up. As long as you are holding on to the feelings of despising him...there is still a significant "nugget" there. You will know you have succeeded when you become indifferent. I am indifferent to a certain degree - I don't miss him, love him, want him...but still curious on some things...but not enough to actually put forth effort? Yea, I still spy but I feel I can handle it - He could have a video online with him having sex with another woman and I can honestly say it would not move me. I'm not sure what that is...I'd love Brie to explain this if she has any insight - because I tend to think if I didn't care I wouldn't look? But for me somehow when I look it confirms for me all that I know? It validates my belief? Convinces me more that I'm not crazy that he really is all that I think of him? But not sure why I need further confirmation? But I don't feel angry and I don't feel sad - and I am approaching RELEASE...that is probably the more appropriate word...RELEASE and surrender the detachment that we were talking about...yes...detachment. But not with "love" but with indifference... As per: There is a part of me that totally sees what I need to do in order to forget him and I no longer having the racing thoughts and bad dreams. Yes, it is a process, but slowly, it just kinda clicks or falls into place...just one day you wake up and it isn't so intense...and when you get there it's easier to fight the intruding thoughts... Well, that's my long take...gonna see if I ask Brieseis to clarify why if I really feel what I feel which I do...why do I still peek...whether what I say about myself is true that for me it validates and re-confirms and her take... Hugs...

#9 Jan 13 - 8AM (Reply to #13)

momoya

thanx

thanks so much for your incredible feedback michele! I was thinking last night as I was laying down to bed, that when I allow myself to feel my emotions related to him it is still quite painful. I have just become more distanced from the grief, but what I was initial so hurt over with him was my belief in real love. He really made me believe again that there was someone out there that would truely love me, and he pulled the rug out in such a way that I felt so abandoned, shut out and discareded for basically doing nothing but let him in life and tried to love him. I felt he was cruel to me, if you haven't read my story, he really went above and beyond any normal person would feel the need to do, the lengths he went to to get his supply was just incredible. When I think of him now I try to think of myself going to a dry well. Some of us call the Narcs poison, so I may invision a poison water well, or better a dry well with no water. Yet I go to the well daily in my mind (him) and there is still nothing. I have learned that the well is dry, yet I still go to it. I don't know why. I have figured him out. I think I had a bit of PTSD right after his disappearance, the sudden withdrawl of his affection, attention and blaming me for not trusting, all the while being married it was just so purposefully hurtful to me. I had so many questions about him. I had a sinking feeling that I would hear something bad about him one day that would confirm my worst case scenario, yet I really didn't want to believe. I dealt with disbelief for a long time. By the time I found this board I was 1 month NC. I had just discovered NPD and when reading these descriptions from Sam V they just fit him so perfectly. I never knew about Narc's before him. I was skiddish, how did I let this person in to my life? how did I not see? it has been a crazy experience. I didn't have a problem with NC because I was just so shocked at his behavior towards me. Although I have learned all about supply, it still is confusing to me, I really can't belive a 41 yr old would lie and manipulate like that. Especially, cruel to use our 20 year ago good relationship as a platform to get my trust. I really thought I knew him. I can't believe how wrong I was. There will be a day that I won't come to the board anymore. I have already had times when I couldn't check in. I really find support in the stories and giving support and sharing what I have learned. Yet, I know that this is still a connection to him. What a wonderful group of women you all are, to share your pain and heart so openly ultimately seeking healing and growth, I truely appreciate all of you!

momoya

#10 Jan 12 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

michele115 (not verified)

BRIE

In response to Momoya's post...I came up with a question of my own regarding still peeking... Could read the post and perhaps shed some light on it? Essentially I said I still peek, but for me it continues to validate and confirm my belief - and it doesn't matter what I see he could be having sex with another woman it wouldn't hurt me but that I am no longer sad etc...that I am "indifferent" but am questioning if I were indifferent, then why the hell would I feel the need to peek as that isn't true indifference? But seriously, I could give a fig... I believe for me when I expose myself by peeking at his stuff, I can appreciate what an - for lack of a better word - ASSHOLE he is and somehow, that makes me feel better... Any insight into this? The reason why this concerns me though is that I've had a habit in the past of "turning" off my feelings. God knows there was nothing turned off about what I went through and there is tons of dialogue here to document it...but wondering if it is possible to have gotten to this point so quickly or if something else is at play?...

#11 Jan 13 - 9AM (Reply to #11)

momoya

peeking

Brie- for me, peeking was to try to see if I missed something in his picture. I blocked him right away on FB. It was actually a long time before I could even see his face again. I would shake each time I attempted to look, and would change my mind. He had that much of an affect on me, that I couldn't even see his image! I don't want to see him or look upon him again. I only peeked once, and I searched his features over, trying to find this sinister person that I came to know. But, he still has this innocent appearence, this sweet smile. So very disarming in appearance. I can relate to your comment about turning off your feelings. After I fell into a depression I was so sick of being sad over him, I just wanted so distance from it. I started to exercise and did yoga, made plans with friends and didn't talk about him anymore. When I am alone at night it seems the grief will come back in small waves, and I allow myself to cry a little and then try to stop and fall asleep. momoya

momoya

#12 Jan 12 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

Briseis

I turned off my feelings

I turned off my feelings about the Narc. I guess that's what I did. First off, he destroyed whatever love or affection I had for him. Then all I had was this "negative" bonding with him. My lawyer linked me to a site where I could watch the Narc move through the legal system in his unending encounters with the court system. I checked that thing several times a week for months. As time goes by, we do become indifferent. We go into "whatever" mode. Only you know when that is, and then, it really doesn't matter what you look at. Because WHY you are looking has shifted. I found my exNarc on Facebook and blocked him about five minutes later. And do you think for a second I haven't wanted to go back, unblock him and snoop? I suppose I could use one of my animal's facebooks to do that :D . That "negative" bond is still there. It's pretty wispy, tho. People in the early stages of recovery, whether they agree or not, are still deeply vulnerable. Period. They should not, and if they are honest with themselves, they know what I am talking about :eek: :)

#13 Jan 12 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

michele115 (not verified)

Brie

I'll give you an example: You know there is a "chemical dependency" issue involved w/narc. Most if not ALL of his friends are also "chemically dependent" some clean, some not...he was "allegedly clean for 18 years..."...smh... Anyhoooo someone posted: "everyday you learn something...today I learned I have a problem with letting go and it really hurts" or something like that. Narc replies: would you say obsession and compulsion work for the devil...if yes, then get the thumbtack you're sitting on out of your ass and do something you'll feel better." Something to that effect... Thing was, here was this guy vunerable for whatever reason, and here he comes barging in like a pompous ass. That might be okay under different circumstances, I don't know what the dudes challenge is but EVERYONE else on the thread was supportive and here comes knob head BAM BAM BAM...and so like I said, something like that helps me see and reinforce what a turn off he is...

#14 Jan 12 - 11AM

victimnomore

michelle115

India Arie's Heart Of The Matter is one of my favorite songs. Your post is spot on. This is how I am feeling. I told my mom this morning that I am truly tired of thinking about what my Nh has done to me and I really want to forgive and let go. Sometimes I think that I forgive him and i have such peace but then the negative memories flood my mind and I think that I hate him. I am religious so I am asking God for help in this area because I am truly ready to move forward. It doesn't hurt like it use to but it still hurt. I have 25 years worth of damage to get through but I look forward to a fulfilling and peaceful life, nothing like the chaos that I had before. Thanks for the post I am going to focus on me and what makes me happy. I already decided that I would not look for a relationship with a man but focus on rebuilding a life for my son and I. If I never meet someone who is normal than I will spend my life doing what I like to do and I will be happy doing it. For the first time i my life it's not about a man's happiness, but about mine and that is liberating in itself. Thanks again I needed that little extra push because I want so badly to heal and recover and leave him and all of his drama behind me. He's not my problem anymore and that is a blessing in itself!

victimnomore

#15 Jan 12 - 11AM

mystwoman

This a really great post,

This a really great post, Michele. It makes a really good point and has me thinking. I know that I've been guilty of falling into the "ruminating, analyzing, dissecting and replaying the tapes" trap. Sometimes I have a hard time jerking myself out of it. You are correct, it is time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get serious about my healing. God knows that xnh, and how he's treated me, is NOT how I want my life to be defined. He doesn't GET to have that power. :)

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#16 Jan 12 - 10AM

jen79

Great post Michelle!

I just want to add some things. Those of you, who feel annoyed by it reading this post, you are simply not there yet, and thats ok. Just wanted to say, that my obsession about him has stopped, and I am now starting to create a new life for me. Since this is all very new, I am not yet ready to write about it, how I got there. I just know its very vulnerable yet, my new found focus, and I dont want to write it dead. Its just like you said, its going and allowing through all emotions, looking deep inside of us, and its a spiritual journey too. Spirituality has helped me to get out of it. Hugs!

#17 Jan 12 - 10AM

spinning

So true, Michele...

Thank you for this post. I will re-read it several times today. I, too, believe everyone should. Thank you again, Sincerely (trying hard to stop) spinning

spinning

#18 Jan 12 - 8PM (Reply to #2)

Perhaps we "peek" just to

Perhaps we "peek" just to confirm what we already know. Those of us who share kids with Ns don't get the option of completely getting rid the N.

#19 Jan 13 - 2AM (Reply to #3)

michele115 (not verified)

M

Yes, that is why I believe I'm doing it...it's like confirmation - verification that no matter what, he is who he is... I find it entertaining in a way - I don't have cable anymore...LOL AND, the other thing for me is I know that these people are not on my level - so I feel a little smug - it's an ego booster like "Look, without me, ha!" I don't question - why I chose to hang with someone so low cause that would be a mindtrip? BUT it helps me to see the REALITY. I can look at it objectively. I do believe one day it will stop - and like I said, it doesn't upset me but confirms like you said. Thanks!

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews