Struggling and not sure with what.
Struggling and not sure with what.
Hi All,
I have struggled for the last few hours with knowing whether or not I should post here. Having read the boards for a few hours I now feel so confused that I don't know where else to turn.
I originally found my way here after a friend casually commented in response to some gripe I made about my ex 'he sounds like a narcissist to me Lib, have fun but don't believe a word he tells you...'
As the relationship 'progressed' I found myself feeling more and more perplexed at some downright bizarre behaviour but he managed to maintain a reasonable status quo and so we bimbled along until a summer holiday when the mask slipped, badly. I don't need to go into the details, but it wasn't pleasant. This was just three months into our relationship. I ended it, we got back together and things seem to go from bad to worse so I quit it once and for all.
Silence. Then two weeks ago he sent me a message stating that he did not want to lose me. I broke and replied. This was followed up by a plea for me not to give up on us, that he loved me, blah blah. I maintained no contact. Blocked him from my personal mobile/email.
A few days ago I received a letter from him, explaining that the home truths I told him led him to experience himself as unable to react properly so he suppressed these truths. He said he felt hurt by experiencing me as not wanting to give him affection because he felt my attitude was that he did not deserve it. He said that he understands why I felt hurt and this he feels led to a vicious circle of us both withdrawing from each other...he ends by saying that he was scared of an emotional intimacy he felt was developing and tried to fob it off as sexual but since our separation this is not working. He closes by asking me to decide what I would like to do and whatever I decide he will try and accept for he ultimately wishes for me to be happy, that everything I told him makes sense and he can become better towards me, but that if I choose to be with someone else he will try and accept this knowing it is my choice based on what I feel will make me happy.
I'm so confused. There is so much of him that doesn't fit with the descriptions here and so so much that does. And now this.
I know no-one here can tell me what to do and ultimately I was in the shit when it was shit and in the good when it was good. But it is because of the inconsistency that I now struggle to trust or believe him.
I cannot forget how badly he treated me, but through our conversations in making sense of it we were able to disentangle a lot of what went wrong.
We are far apart (which is actually a good thing)He closes with 'if you decide to give us a chance and you want me to, I will check flights, obviously consult with you and do all for us to be together, if you decide for us to work I want to try and understand all your doubts, fears and questions and remove the part I play in creating them, so hope you will tell me all, if you decide this.)
I don't know what to do, my heart is split as is my head.
Again I am not asking for what to do but I'd be very grateful for any thoughts that may help clear a very muddled head.
Thank you,
Liberty.
p.s. email/phone block- above via snail mail.
Another ploy
Marie
Marie
Liberty
Liberty
So farmiliar, Liberty
mine flipped at 3 months too
No decisions- Ellen
Liberty
Liberty - STOP THAT
Even if he's not an N.......
I feel so sad Even if he's not an N- (faith 999) it's hard work
They know what to say to break you down, tell you what you want
Doubt & Confusion
Liberty
Liberty, If you have this
Why this desperation to make it work-4joys
Keep posting Liberty
we all had good stuff with