You are right - I know I know, I know, it really doesn't matter in the end. I'm getting there ... slowly. God, the endless questions and obsessing. I'm doing it to myself now. He's still winning by racing around in my thoughts.
Going to work on that by getting out of my head for the afternoon...
you are bang on...the live for the moment and the thrill, i think back on narc and he had no real thought of what he was going to do ..he just done or said what he thought it needed at the time...when he got bored ...THEN HE MOVED ON THE NEXT ONE..
i said something nice to him once, a few weeks later he reminded me oh it, i couldnt remember saying it, and he said...oh you ment it at the time...i do that...i thought this was very telling...
From what I have read, they are terrified. They want to feel, but when they do, the other person inside them takes over and they use every means necessary to hurt the person they have any feelings for so they can get away. In my N's case, he was raised by his grandmother because his mother worked and was "too busy". ??? His Dad was an OTR trucker who was never home. According to him, his younger sister was the favorite and got what he actually "deserved" from his Mom. I think he wanted his mother's love and attention but would never admit it and even though he actually got his grandmother's love, who I think indulged him, that wasn't enough. I think he resented his Mom so much that he got back at her whenever he could. Somehow he felt entitled to his grandmother's love, so she didn't count. I think his wife is the secondary supply and I think it is absolutely vital to him that she be there. But he is cheats on her because she is there and he is entitled to her love and ignores it. I think he is looking for those romantic, loving feelings, but he MUST sabotage it when he gets it because it stands in for his mother's attention and he has to punish her because he sees it as "too little, too late."
This is bang on what happened with my ex.
He told me his mum never knew how to be affectionate with him and he resented her for this and the one evening she went across the road to a bar for a drink and he woke up in an empty house...and trashed the whole house from fear of abandonment.
EVERY single girlfriend/wife/OW of this man has been a physical embodiment of mummy. Same hair colour, looks, calm manner, self effacing...
He treated his mum like shit as a form of revenge and has gone on to treat all his female partners the same way. He sees them as doormats to wipe his feet on. He has no insight into this repeat pattern and how destructive it is.
I think he is so horribly conflicted, he just bounces from one set of behaviors to the next. When it was good with us, it was always going to end. When it was over, I wondered what was happening with his wife and whoever else. I think he realy wants to be a good guy--he tries to help people--of course he wants praise for that and he focuses alot of effort on bailing out his worthless kids, rather than trying to teach them any kind of responsibilty. He takes the whole family, parents, sister and various other relatives to the beach each year, so he obviously needs the family. But he said once before he feels very alone when he is with them. But that is his safety net.
I almost wish I was a social worker or a therapist, so I could help him, but I am through sacrificing what I want to "understand". What we had was good while it lasted, but I can't deal anymore with having a horse shot out from under me.
I know, I know!
(((((((((((( Pride ))))))))))))))))))))
P&S
HUNTER
I think it's both
Mother's attention...
The sad thing is