Going back...

38 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 24 - 5AM

Emma

Going back...

After these morons have their rage and go for the silent treatment and/ or disappear, usually they sit back and wait for us to go running back time and time again, I know I used to.
After he dumps you, he's expecting you go running back again right?.... Is he not left hanging? Is he not confused or baffled as to why we haven't suddenly gone running back as we had so many times before...

What would he be thinking?

#2 Oct 25 - 12PM

Blythebloo

The ex n and I have been

The ex n and I have been mutually ignoring one another for 6 weeks except for the minimal kid exchange contact. He knows this is how I operate. So I am presuming he is attempting to dose me with my own medicine. Till I break. If I don't I will be on the look out for "baiting" when he does contact me about the child exchange. Heck he's already made one attempt and lost. He will only try what he knows works. I hate to break it to him but nothing works anymore.

#3 Oct 25 - 7AM

Puzzle

I've wondered about this too

I've wondered about this too Emma. Once they realise you are not coming back they move on to new supply. Most of them already were searching for it before the sielnt treatment ensued. I would get the silent treatment for weeks I think 3 weeks was the most, it grew from days to weeks because I stopped extending the olive branch like you have. I've come to realise they're not sitting their waiting, they never have been we just keep extending the olive branch or accepting some lame text to catchup and ignore the recent abuse episode and start at phase one. This time we didn't extend the olive branch. The only reason we went back is because we made the effort to. This time you are not. This time it will be different....and guess what he isn't going to fight, yell or scream to get you back, at most he might send a lame text like "how are you?" Or one of those old pearlers...but without your effort you won't get back together. They were never sitting waiting for us. We were. Now we have the chance to stand up and keep walking...and guess what, this time no one is waiting, because we are no longer putting in the effort to patch things up anymore. It took me a long time to realise that the only reason we ever got back together several times was because I made the effort or answered his lame text messages. It had nothing to do with him. A real man will fight for you.

#4 Oct 25 - 8AM (Reply to #36)

Emma

The olive branch has been

The olive branch has been well and truly burnt. After I went NC for his disgusting behaviour, he emailed me after I ignored the text and call. Saying he was sorry, could we try again, he 'loved' me. That was the only time he made a so called effort. Stupidly I gave in, but come to find out it was only for him to turn the tables and dump me two weeks later! Hes not a man, never will be. As far as I'm concerned he's dead.

#5 Oct 25 - 5AM

Sea

After he runs off

He is not thinking about you. Sorry to say, out of sight out of mind. My own experience is such. He goes ST and runaway and never return not even a squeak. It is extremely painful to accept this but slowly u will come to terms with this. They are just disordered, they simply cannot empathise. To them we are just supplies, u are no good supply rebel against him, he goes off to another one. Just like 1 toaster breaks down he goes and look for another. Never need to think if Toaster 1 is feeling rejected or sad. Hugs!! Be strong the most painful is the first few weeks, it will be over and you will be better. I am still trying to recover at 3 months.

#6 Oct 25 - 7AM (Reply to #34)

Emma

At first I wanted him to miss

At first I wanted him to miss me as much as I painfully missed him. Two or three days and I'd be begging him to talk to me constantly ringing to take me back.... But not this time. This time IM DONE. It's four days no contact, and if he tried to contact me, HE'S BLOCKED. Since reading on this forum and reading other stories people have gone thru, It brings back some of the things id put to the back of my mind that he did, and it's angered me. I feel absolutely nothing for that piece of shit but pity. I'm glad he feels tortured inside, I'm glad he's in pain. I'm glad that he's never gonna experience true feelings of love, trust, sincerity and respect... He's a piece of shit, he doesn't deserve the right to feel these things. Good riddance. The longer he's out of my life..the happier I'm going to be!

#7 Oct 25 - 3AM

jackguy

emma it does take time to get detoxed of their brainwashing

emma it does take time to get detoxed of their brainwashing, you've made a great start by reading this site. I personally find sam vaknin's videos really helpful as well. it is excrutiating when you first separate. one you have had more time apart from him the picture will get clearer although it is a painful process. hang in there. jackguy

#8 Oct 24 - 10AM

rosedewittbukater

"NC is NEVER about changing

"NC is NEVER about changing them or TEACHING them to treat you better. They don't learn to treat you better, they simply learn how to better manipulate you." Thanks for reiterating this Goldie. Button pushers indeed, and they know exactly which buttons to push to hit you where it hurts too

#9 Oct 24 - 1PM (Reply to #31)

tresor2

They have also learned that

if one supply will not give them what they want, they'll surely find another that will. Everyone is replaceable. Each partner has a different set of boundaries and they'll simply move on to violate the boundaries of those that give them the least amount of resistance. COMPLIANCE is what it's all about. They want CONTROL, STATUS and DOMINANCE. If you give them too much trouble and call them on thier, shit, they are HISTORY. Nothing complicated.

#10 Oct 24 - 9AM

Sparrow

Actually, most times they

Actually, most times they aren't "sitting back" waiting for you to come back. They are already out, seeking new supply. If you come back, they may engage, or if they are in a "slump" may think of you, along with half a dozen others........ He is hardly ever "left hanging" and more importantly. HE IS NEVER CONFUSED. I think once you educate yourself more on the disorder, you will come to understand, they are not like normal men in a relationship and/or a break-up. They are NOT wired the same at all. Trust me when I tell you, they dont play fair, they don't play normal........and never ever try to second guess or outsmart them. You will lose every time. Stick with NC or the silent treatment. It is the best way to go. You will see. Good luck!

#11 Oct 24 - 9AM (Reply to #27)

Goldie

Excellent response Sparrow, THEY ARE NEVER CONFUSED!!!

It is important for the newcomers to read read read. Read Lisa's step book, read the posts, the blogs, read the informational links, and there are hundreds of those on here. Go back to some of the old posts and read the information there as well. Educate yourselves on what a PD is and what it will mean for you if you continue to engage with a PD. Sparrow, I love what you say here. They are NOT sitting back and waiting and they are NOT confused. They know their game and your reactions better than you do, especially when you are still a headcase over all of the abuse and damage done to you. They know EXACTLY what is up. They know that you are trying to disengage when they do not hear from you and they also know if they can push your buttons long enough, they can suck you back in if you don't "get it" yet and realize that the only way to win with a PD in NC NC NC, no matter what "new" game they decide to play. If ignoring you works then this is what they will do. If insulting you works then this is what they will do. If throwing OW in your face works, then this is what they will do. If telling you they are sorry and see the light now, then this is what they will do. If telling you that they are sick and have only 6 months left to live will work; then this is what they will say. This is ALL a GAME to them and you are a game piece for them to play at will. They FEED off of what works and what has worked in the past. You are the target and they are the manipulator. Truer words were never spoken on here and if you learn one new thing on here today, learn that: THEY ARE NEVER CONFUSED!!! You are confused; not them!!! They know exactly how to play you. Be strong and dont' respond, don't contact him and journal your feelings and thoughts, post on here, just do not think that you are going to change him with NC, this is not what NC does. NC empowers you and buys you enough time to get better and learn about why YOU keep going back. NC is NEVER about changing them or TEACHING them to treat you better. They don't learn to treat you better, they simply learn how to better manipulate you. You can do this if you truly want a better life and a better shot at happiness. God bless, Goldie

#12 Oct 25 - 2AM (Reply to #28)

Journey

Ah Sparrow and Goldie - such

Ah Sparrow and Goldie - such wisdom!!!! Listen up :)

Journey on...

#13 Oct 25 - 8AM (Reply to #29)

Hunter

I agree!! Hunter

#14 Oct 24 - 9AM

really

Yes, I think he will expect

Yes, I think he will expect you to behave as you have in the past. It's that whole thing about "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior under similar circumstances". If you don't, he will be thinking about different ways to approach you. Be prepared for that to happen. It might be right away. Or it might be months from now. It really depends on who else he has a resource for supply in the meantime and how much work he's up for.

#15 Oct 24 - 8AM

onwithmylife

once years ago,

when i left his place after nasty treatment towards me, i did not go back, as i always had before, and 3 1/2 months later he wrote me a gorgeous letter, saying he was puzzled I did not try to contact him as i had always done before and all these compliments to me about everything and like a fool I went back thinking he had changed, this was way before I never what he had........

#16 Oct 24 - 7AM

tresor2

He's not really worried about you because

he probably has other supply. That's exactly why they keep several women around at the same time...if one leaves, he's got plenty more to use and abuse. They simply don't care. I know it's hard to digest and accept. It's all a game to them; they love the cat/mouse thing. I played the game for 8 years. Sometimes I wouldn't talk to him for a couple of months and then he'd call and act as if nothing happened. Other times, I would break NC after ignoring him and I was punished every time. The game is a loose loose for us. You'll never win with a N. The last time I refused to answer his calls because of the way he treated me, he simply went on to live with a OW. He's got what he wants and is not thinking about me. He has his supply at home and he's on top of the world. The game is dangerous and you will get hurt. The world is full of N supply and they don't care about us. They only care about themselves. Move on and stop the cycle. Try to focus on you and your path to recovery.

#17 Oct 24 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

Emma

I suppose I'm just worrying.

I suppose I'm just worrying. I know he has his children all this week up til Sunday, I'm just dreading that when the girls have gone and he's home alone, he doesn't get in touch, I don't know if I'm at the point where I can ignore him yet..

#18 Oct 24 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

Hunter

You don't know if you're to

You don't know if you're to a point where you can ignore him yet ? The longer you stay in denial the longer you play a sick cruel game!! Stop worrying about him and worry about you.. You can't ignore him because you don't understand what you are dealing with.. You can't change this sick demented predator.. Start learning, reading and figuring this out or you will never see the light.. As for his kids .. Not your problem. Unless those kids belong to you.. Hunter

#19 Oct 24 - 8AM (Reply to #5)

Emma

......

No I don't know if I can ignore him yet.. It's only been a few days, and the relationship was intense. I'm not in denial. I know what he's done and I know what he is. I spent literally ALL weekend reading this site and others, yes I'm still learning. It's all still new and fresh..it's a lot to take in and try to understand. The fact that hes been blocked from contacting me is a start, it's a start that I didn't think I'd be able to make. Apart from knocking on my door I'm hoping he'll stay away, but he has just popped up unwelcome before, there's nothing to stop him doing it again, hense why I posted this question. I didn't say his kids were my problem..!!

#20 Oct 24 - 9AM (Reply to #20)

Goldie

Emma

You are right, it is a great start that you blocked him. I am concerned though, that you are giving this man so much power in the fact that you say, there is nothing you can do if he comes to your door. What are you saying? That he can come to your door and you have to let him in? Are you saying that your home is not safe for you? If he comes to your home and refuses to leave, if you do not open the door and let him in, it is real simple. You call 911 and have him escorted off your property. There is no confusion here. I think that you still think that if you blocked him that now he will change and everything will be different because you took a stand by blocking him. You may not be ready to end this and you may still think that you can change him, this is normal in the beginning. If you decide to let him in and go a few more rounds, we will not judge you. We will still be here for you. Take a deep breath, read somemore, and ask yourself, how much more of this do you want to take and then make your decision based on this. God bless, Goldie P.s. OMG, Emma, I just read your other post describing how this man has treated you over these past months. He is the poster boy on NARC behaviors and treatment of a woman. You describe yourself as previously being a strong, confident, independent woman and this man is treating you like dog shit. How dare he have sex with you and not contact you until he feels like using you for sex again. This is pure bullshit. You need to snap out of it!!! There is NOTHING there for you with this man. You speak of how loving you have been and why can he treat you so badly?? He can treat you this badly because you are allowing him to treat you this badly. You are allowing this insanity to take you down emotionally. Of course he treated you better in the beginning, this was all designed to suck you and gain control over your emotions and life. Now he is showing you his true colors and you are accepting this shit. The ball is in your court. You either end this torture NOW or you go back and get treated like shit somemore. You are in control now. You have gone NC, don't ruin it by letting this asshole back into your house, your bed, and your life. There is nothing here for you aside from more pain, more lie's, more cheating, more porno, more disrespect. END IT NOW while you still can, otherwise years can go by, and you will wake up one day, when you come to your senses and say? What have I done? Why did I sell my love, my soul, my heart, and my youth, to the DEVIL?

#21 Oct 24 - 6PM (Reply to #23)

HoLLeeGirL

Goldie, I bow to you!

#22 Oct 24 - 10AM (Reply to #21)

Emma

I have no

Intention of breaking the no contact AT ALL. I would even go so far as to change my number. There's nothing that he can say to me that he hasn't already said before, yet reverted back to his old ways..I don't need that again, I won't be going back. Reading my story back, it's hard knowing the type of person I used to be, that I allowed and put up with him treating me and manipulating me the way I did. I was talking to a friend about it last night, he said that the person i used to be would never have put up with someone treating me in such a vile way..I'd have been long gone. I won't be contacting him. I won't be answering the door to him. I want absolutely nothing to do with him. Not just for my sake, but also for my son.

#23 Oct 24 - 10AM (Reply to #22)

Used

emma

good to hear this, it sounds like you are becoming that person you used to be[before narc] and you will not be putting up with his pathetic crap any longer....yah yahxx

#24 Oct 24 - 9AM (Reply to #7)

Hunter

You just contradicted

You just contradicted everything you just said.. You are new to this and getting angry at me is not productive.. You blocked him but you can't stay away from him?? Spending one day reading here is just the beginning .. Moving forward takes time.. A lot of time .. You need to get into therapy , read and understand the disorder.. This is a pain that is like no other.. NC is the only winning solution!! Hunter

#25 Oct 24 - 9AM (Reply to #8)

Emma

I'm not getting angry at you

I'm not getting angry at you at all Hunter, simply replying to your text. I didn't say that I can't stay away from him at all. I said, that I don't know if I can ignore him yet. Normally I would have contacted him by now, but instead iv blocked him, but I can't block him from appearing at my front door. I'm happy to stay away from him, it's the only way I'm going to get over him it's easy by phone but face to face wouldn't be so easy. Neither did I say I was worried about his kids, I said that he had them for the week and that I was worried how he will be once they go back..... I have been reading and trying to understand since Friday. I'm only just coming to terms with how he's been the last 8 months and how I am to deal with it... Getting over him is going to take time. Moving on is going to take time. Understanding who he is and why he is like he is is going to take time.... I'm not in any rush. I have all the time in the in the world to read and try to understand, I'm getting there...just like I'm trying to get there with getting hi.m out of my system.

#26 Oct 24 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

Hunter

I stand corrected I miss read

I stand corrected I miss read about the kids.. I now understand.. Sometimes things get misinterpreted .. These dudes are predictable but unpredictable all at the same time... Staying away is hard at first..if they Hoover that's difficult too.. I get the silent treatment... Even now I worry of his return.. I still think he will strike.. With understanding and building strength we can fight back.. Silence is our only message.. Hunter

#27 Oct 24 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

Emma

I'm still trying

To understand and take in the way they are and why they do what they do, but I'm not clear on what 'hoovering' is.

#28 Oct 24 - 10AM (Reply to #11)

TNR1

Hoovering=trying to suck you

Hoovering=trying to suck you back in by contacting you. Once you understand that Narcs are about themselves and only themselves, you will see a pattern emerge. They don't want to let go of old "objects" they feel might be useful in the future, while they are still out there seeking new "objects" to pursue. It doesn't mean that he wants you or that he will change..it means that he is trying to still control you..to use you as he sees fit. Basically you were a good object once and he'd like to keep you on a back shelf in case he gets bored or another supply stops giving him adoration. The point is that hovering...hoovering is poison. He is simply trying any technique he knows to get you drawn back in.

#29 Oct 24 - 11AM (Reply to #12)

Emma

You saying

That about old objects. I always wondered why he kept talking to his ex. Why he'd run back to another ex when we'd fallen out.... Was to get the supply I wasn't giving him? I always wondered why he couldn't just let them go. Now I understand.

#30 Oct 24 - 12PM (Reply to #16)

Goldie

Let's get one thing loud and clear

This is NOT about a LACKING in YOU. This NOT about other's giving him what you will not give him. This NOT about you NOT being good enough and him growing tired and bored because you are tired and boring. PLEASE, try to GET THIS. This is NOT about him not being able to let go of them because they are better than you or bringing more to the table. Listen to yourself girl!!! YOU are still trying to make this about you not being good enough. This is about HIM NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!! He is a sick selfish loser who treats ALL of you badly. HE is cheating on ALL of you. He takes what he wants when he wants it and does not give a flying crap how you feel, what you want, or what you have to say. He is tossing you the occasional crumb just like he is tossing THEM the occasional crumb. He has you brainwashed into thinking that you are not enough. YOU are plenty enough, just not for a selfish, greedy, immature, two timing FREAK. God bless, Goldie

#31 Oct 25 - 1AM (Reply to #19)

meik11

I needed that Goldie,I swear

I needed that Goldie, I swear i've been wondering all day what is wrong with me? Maybe if I would have initiated sex more often, or cooked more often, been friendlier to his mom then maybe he wouldn't have always been so ready to leave. Thanks, your post snapped me right out of it... instantly dryed my tears....

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