Saw him yesterday/BAD IDEA/MESS.

Hi Ness, day 2!!! How are you today? ((( Hugs!!! ))) Alissa

I think the N experience has aged/jaded me cause last night I caught myself checking like a worried mother hen to see if you posted. ;) I can't imagine that there's even one person on this board who didn't know what you were up against and didn't privately think you'd be able to walk away clean last night. We've ALL been there. It doesn't matter how much you read and hear, there's this little hopeful girl inside us (or boy in the opposite case) that so wants to believe the N is not really an N and that they just had to get their sh*t together and see what they almost lost. You know what, I don't believe that fairy tale anymore. If that situation ever happened to me again, I would never take them back. I would never want to have to think twice about whether I could trust a man or not. No second chances. But to get to this point where I established this firm boundary based on self respect and self love (which was ALIEN to me before), I had to give the N that second chance. Now if a good guy should screw up and falls victim to this rule in the future, I'm willing to live with that and walk away because I'm going to be dead clear on that boundary from the start. Today is the first day of NessMIA boot camp. I like to call this weigh in day (like Weight Watchers!). You feel HORRIBLE and ashamed getting on that scale, BUT...you stick with it and every day that passes, and every week you stay on plan, you lose weight and look better and better until you are a brand new you. So, every day you stay NO CONTACT and every week that passes and you STAY NO CONTACT you are going to not only FEEL great and EMPOWERED you are going to start looking even better too...there will be an inner glow returning. Baby steps. Today is DAY ONE. How did you do? Did you talk to him in any way? Text him? Email him? (((Hugs)))

Is his Mom a Narc also? Normal people can pray for you without letting you know. especially if they are aware and concerned for your feelings. She is a triggering mechanism also. It sounds like you might need to do what I had to do, which is go no contact with the exnw's parents. It wasn't good for me, especially the Mother in Law...She is Narcish and plays everybody...deleted now from my life. So you had a bad night, we knew it would be difficult. One wedding, over now. No big deal. He is still a Narc, and when we let them in they do what they always do, twist, distort, lie, use, abuse, torture, and mind fuck us. And they do it naturally. We don't say no contact/no response just for fun. We say it because nothing else works. It is the last house on the block. If it was easy we wouldn't need this board, or each other. But it is hard for many reasons. Magical thinking. Cognitive Dissonance. Lonliness. Feelings of imperfection. The need for acceptance. The desire to help. The need to feel loved. Emotional connectedness. Intimacy. Wanting to be good enough. Wanting a partner. So maybe we explore what they really give us instead of what we want them to give us. That is the litmus test. Truly looking at what we really get from them! Is it real, or is it wishful thinking. In my case I had to go back to the very beginning when I felt loved and safe. I chased that feeling for years. And we had a kid. And our lives were joined. And I tried to make the best of it. And sometimes I mourned that what I thought I had never existed in the first place. Acceptance of what really is versus living in the dream world of what I wanted it to be, that is the discomfort that kept me squirming, and kept me answering the phone when she would call. "Maybe now I can get what I wanted all along", I would think. Foolish but understandable until I did the work and uncovered all of my truths. And saw the relationship for what it really was, instead of what I wanted it to be. Anyways, let yesterday go, it's gone now. Lessons learned don't need to be taught again. That is our choice...if we learn we can grow. We need to keep doing good things for ourselves everyday. ds

You had a plan, but you didn't stick to it and you got burned. That's how it will play out again and again until you truly understand the role you are playing. I don't want to beat up on you because I know how much it hurts, but you did get advice prior and you had a plan to leave immediately. You were aware of the consequences if you didn't stick to it. Ask yourself what made you stay and be honest. You have to recognize whatever caused you to become vulnerable so you are aware of what weakens you. The man is a POS. I don't believe that "his Mom" texted you at this same period of time, missing you as well as the dog? He does seem to really miss your hair, LOL! He is a lie. Remember that. Believe that. I hate to see anyone go through this, but the truth is that you are whole and therefore much stronger. He can't take you down. NEVER come in contact with him EVER again from this day forward. That's the only way to deal with him and not get hurt. xxx, Ruby

This guy is text book.. His mother sent you a text? He has mommy issues it's part of it.. Read, Read, Read... Sam Vaknin and Thomas are my favorites.. You need to detach ... Understand this person has a disorder..he can't be fixed.. The good news . You can.. Hunter

Hey Nessa....I would use your journal to write it all down and get it all out (if you haven't already). That way, if he tries again....weeks/months later, you will be able to look back on some concrete proof of his games. Believe me, writing it out is important because we oftentimes forget how truly bad it was and hold onto what was good. It will also allow you to write out some feelings or say some things that may not be appropriate for this board. What you experienced is something many of us have gone through...the Narc coming back and acting all sweet and then BAM...they turn cold in an instant. The one thing I want to make very clear is that his change in reaction to you has absolutely NOTHING to do with you or who you are....this is his disorder. Be grateful you have seen in one night such a clear indication of why this man is poison for you. Embrace that he is the one who lost out because he is a Narcissist and move forward with your head held high knowing that you now have the chance to start your life free of his toxic ways. HUGS.

I can relate to the pain and anxiety you feel. I received an email I wasn't expecting yesterday, not sure if you saw the post but I was so distraught all day, crying, etc.....last night what I did was I went on you tube and watched every video I could find by Sam Vaknin and Thomas Sheridan and I literally watched from about 8pm until 1am....if my eyes could have stayed open longer I would have continued. Like people say on here, knowledge is power,it really does help relieve just a wee bit of the pain and keeps your mind occupied. It also provides some answers to many of the "whys". Today I woke up feeling ok....when you have the time, try watching some of the videos....it really does help somehow. Hugs:)

You get thru the day knowing that the wedding you were stressing about is over and you no longer have to face him ever again!!! It's uphill from here...so that should feel liberating!! Remain NC...beginning right now...and you will prevail!! You are sooooo lucky that he wants to move to another city...that is such a blessing!! I live in the same town as the exn...and I dread going out anywhere knowing I could bump into him..or even worse, he and the OW..at any time!! I have anxiety every time I leave this damn house!! You have brighter days ahead of you...focus on the prize cause you are on your way!!!

From now on you will need to be no contact for life, i wrote a reply to Ruby01 posting on incredibly calculating,maintaining no contact for life and learned the hard way after 3 years out, it is a setback for you and me both but we will recover and move on but no more contact with the man for me and should be for you as well, they are diseased, disordered men and will always be that way. there is no hope for their recovery but there is for US...............