The face of abuse
The face of abuse
One year ago today, I saw the Narc for the last time. One year ago tomorrow I went NC. A year. 365 days. 52 weeks. There was time not that long ago, that I could barely make it a week. A year was unfathomable to me. But here I am. A year later. Better. Stronger. Not only did I live to tell the tale but I couldn't be more grateful.
I spent 6 1/2 years with an abuser. A Narc, maybe a sociopath. It doesn't matter to me anymore what HIS label is. What matters is that he was a horror show for me. I was as addicted to him as anyone else whose story I've ever read on this forum is. The kind of hard core addiction that had I been a heroin or crack addict, instead of addicted to a Narc/sociopath, I'd be dead now because I could not stop. And for a long, long time I didn't want to stop. He was my drug. And no force on earth was powerful enough to get me away from him. I see many on here who remind me of myself in those days.
I've been in all of those places that people write about on here. All of those places that many are in right now. Desperate. Panicked. Confused. Afraid. I know all about it first hand. I lived it for a very long time. I don't know what the "typical" victim of a narc looks like but I'm college educated, intelligent and articulate. Attractive, well spoken and financially secure. An executive with a Fortune 500 company with a big job running a department with a lot of moving parts and many balls in the air at all times. I work in a male dominated industry and more than hold my own with a bunch of strong, egotistical men. People describe me as someone who doesn't take any crap. I'm also a single parent and I juggle all of the things single parents juggle. I'm a strong advocate for my children. I'm a class mom and I go on field trips and plan school parties. I'm in a book club. I don't "look" like what many think of when they think of those being abused. Most people who know me in my other lives would be absolutely shocked to know that I spent 6 1/2 years in a abusive relationship with a narc/sociopath. But I sure did. And I've come to realize that a lot of women in abusive relationships "look" like me.
I am intimately familiar with the desperation, the confusion, the panic, the uncontrollable, unstoppable need to reach out and call, text, show up and make it right, to prove to him that I am good enough, that I'm sorry. that I didn't mean it and I won't do it again if he'd only give me another chance. Though I rarely knew what "it" was. I know what it's like to be blamed for everything that went wrong in my relationship and to buy into that. To take on all that blame & always be wrong. To be called obnoxious and overbearing. A nag. An ahole. A princess c--t. A bitch. Demanding. To be told to go F myself repeatedly. To be told that nothing he ever did for me was good enough for me so why should he do anything at all for me, I was never happy anyway. To believe it all. To feel comletely worthless because he told me I was by his actions. To be screamed at so loudly and with so much rage that I couldn't understand a word. I know how demeaning it feels to be curled up on the floor sobbing and to beg someone not to leave me again. To al but be holding onto his leg as he was walking out the door. To promise I'd do anything if he would stay. And have him cruelly leave anyway. And to play out the cycle, this cruel game over and over and over. For 6 1/2 years. I was absolutely convinced and deeply certain that I couldn't function, could NOT live without this person. I the desperation of calling maniacally, please God, let him PICK UP that phone, let him talk to me again so things can be ok. Please God. Please. Just let him talk to me. For a minute. I'll make him see. I know first hand what it's like to be in so much pain, to not be able to get enough air into my lungs and to feel that the only way to end the pain is for him to love me again. To want me again. To be with me again. For him to make it right. I know what it's like to get that relief because he came back. And things were ok again. For a minute. Or a day. Or a week. Or whatever. Until the next time and it stared all over again. I know what it's like to live in that endless cycle. To feel like I was walking through land mines living in total fear of setting him off and knowing my whole life was going to collapse without him. To pretend that this is normal and ok and to ignore the people who really did love me who told me they were worried about me, that I was too good for him. That I needed to be far, far away from him and so did my kids. I know what it's like to eventually know that's all true and that it's a completely crazy way to live and to not care. I know how it feels to be in tremendous pain with no way out and to NOT WANT to get out. To truly believe that without him I had no life. I spent years in that place. In that absolute hell. And never thought I could leave it. But I did. A year ago tomorrow. It wasn't easy and I left many times before the last time. For a day, a week, 6 weeks, 3 months, 4 months. I don't know for sure when things started to shift from "God, please make him talk to me" to "God, please help me want to get out of here" to "God, please help me get out" to "God, please help me stay out". Was it 3 years in when he abruptly ended our enagagement and moved out of my house one summer night in 2009? Was it early in 2010 when we got back together 4 months after he moved out and he discarded me 5 times in 8 weeks? Was it September 2010 when I was curled on my kitchen floor sobbing because he absooutely refused to allow me to be a part of his life and his family even though we had spent 3 years doing exactly that? Was it in 2011 when I was in the same place with him? Ditto for 2012. I don't know when I hit my true bottom. Every time I thought I hit it, there was another bottom. But eventually the pain of staying became greater than the pain of leaving and I finally got help. Real help and bit by bit I started to claw my way out. It tooke me a long time. Partly because I was stubborn and in denial and I believed all of my own bullshit about how he wasn't that bad and it wasn't that bad and love conquers all. I thought I could fix it and him and we'd live happily ever after. I refused to listen to people who really did know better because I thought I was the authority and I was too arrogant to listen to anyone else. I knew better. I was different. We were different. Guess what? No I wasn't and neither were we. I was my own worst enemy because I refused to listen to those who had walked this path before me.
I am writing this incredibly painful post in the hope that I will reach even ONE person on here cause guess what? Turns out that all that crap about not being able to live without him and blah, blah, blah was all nonsense. All lies. Not only can I live without him but I am thriving without him. I am calmer, stronger and happier than I have ever beenin my life. I just had to let go of the fear and do the work. Recovery is work. It's an inisde job and I've had to dig really deep, past the fear, past the childhood pain and heal all sorts of wounds. It hasn't been easy but it's been beyond worth it. I know it's a cliche but if I can do it? Seriously, I was a MESS. If I can do it so can you.
IFT
new here...
Hi JennyD. Welcome to the
Thank you so much for this. I
Honestly, what helped me the
I'm hoping to join Goldie's
MY GOD I LOVE THIS!!!!!
A bit late, I apologize.
Sometimes I don't even know
Wow is all I have to say.....
Welcome CamaroGirl. I know
Thank you
Haven't been here regularly ...
Wow. How insane it is how
Awesome
You reached me ! You
The Face of Abuse
Jungle free
Thank you
My Narc is the only man I
I could have written this.
Congratulations on 1 year NC
Wow IFT...
Awesome.
Zan my sweet!!!! I have
spinning
Amazing & beautiful tribute
stuck in the middle of it all
Congratulations IFT!
Good to hear from you
All is well TD :)