JMi's Story
JMi's Story
It's a long, long, long story i warn you but please read as i'm new to this forum and i'm finding it really helpful and therapeutic!!!
I believe i have been 'trapped' in my one and only relationship in life, with a Narc, please tell me i'm right?!
At 14 years old i had my first encounter with him which was childhood sweetheart and after 8 months i dumped him after finding out he'd kissed another girl.....his response was to go out with my best friend, take her virginity and use her like a sexual toy and dump her after 3 months ( i think due to the fact i was unimpressed and pretty impartial to it all at that age i easily cut off all ties - god how i wish i had followed my intuition as i got older!)
Fast forward to 17 yrs old when we meet by chance again, he has a girlfriend but we swap numbers and he starts to call, chase, hunt me down, initially acting as a friend but always wanting more - which was extremely flattering. He dumps the girlf ( maybe he didn't) i thought hey maybe he's grown up and is willing to make things work lets give him a second chance. For the first year things were fantastic and he treated me like a princess,put me on a pedestle, nothing was too much and i was number 1 always when it came to 'us'. He would spend evry minute with me and my family, wanting to please and create a high opinion of himself.
Now around a year in, his Dad loses the family fortune in a libel case and THEN leaves his mother for another woman ( my Narc had led an enchanted lifestyle as a kid full of over-indulgence, spoiltness, whatever the Prince wanted he got which resulted in him playing truant from school, achieving no qualifications but being rewarded/employed at the family business with a phenomenal salary/car/mobile. That is when he decided to show up for work occasionally!!)
So, he turns up at my house in a state, says he can't be with me, he's confused, he needs to be alone and can't be with me! Unfortunately for him, a close family friend finds out he spent the next 2 weeks partying with strippers and a 'new' friend he found at the local golf course (he didn't play golf??) That was his way of dealing with it - ok?! I get a phonecall after 2 weeks of silence saying - so sorry miss you love you want you back - come meet the strippers if you don't trust me(!!!) nothing happened between us, oh they r soooo nice blah blah blah - but whatever so i take him back and i nurse him and his mother through the next 18 months of hell whilst Daddy dearest comes and goes from the family home changing his mind every 5 minutes about wether his marriage to Narcs Mum is worth saving or he prefers his other woman!
Eventually, Dad comes home but the moneys all gone and life is never enchanted again, times are and will always be hard and Narc can't hide behind the family fortune anymore which i have realised was what made him feel 'whole' and 'powerful' and 'relevant' Made all the more worse by the fact he has to get a normal job and work like normal people - he finds this horrifying that he must be like the rest of 'us'
So the next 8 years are spent in the same cycle for us or as i called it vicious circle, its all good, he starts to act strange-cold-distant, we're over i'm sorry i don't know whats changed, so he leaves, he immerses himself in his newest circle of friends (one of which was always a female admirer/sexual conquest) after a few weeks or months of little or no contact he would then find me again and beg me for forgiveness, tell me he couldn't live without me......you've heard it all before i'm sure.
We move in together, it lasts 5 months, we start to argue but i don't know why-can't work out whats changed in him, turns out he's found another girl attractive at work and been texting her obsessively i find out setting up his next move, its my fault for looking at his phone he tells me...i move out.....he comes crawling back....its you i love she's a kid i'm not interested in her anymore....look i've even got your name tattooed on me to show you i love you.......
My dad gets cancer and has to go through a horrific 6 month treatment......Narcy boy dumps me....i'm too relient and needy he can't handle the pressure.....he has a new circle of friends and a new NS who he 'does' for a few months if you know what i mean..........he's spotted with her on different occasions, he denies it and claims that my friends who see him are all against him and hate him and must be trying to ruin 'his' life. Erm hello what about me???? Also claimed they must have been imagining things by the way such as hand holding was merely friendly and the romantic meal for two which involved a kiss was just a quick lunch......HA!
So then next step we get engaged, he borrows the money off MY family for the ring after spinning a web of lies and guilt tripping to encourage them to help financially. I'm over the moon, i think finally after 8/9 years this guy is growing up he wants to commit......8 months later he calls it off ' i don't know if i love you anymore' ( he had a new NS lined up which didn't work out i later discover)....i'm devastated i decide to go travelling....i book my tickets....he comes back i love you so much i'm sorry i'll wait for you i'll be here when you get back etc etc etc so i go travel i have a great time he has a few hissyfits over a male friend who i'm with on pictures he sees but nothing untoward as i'm an HONEST gal i would NEVER cheat him!!
I get home July 2010 he asks me to put my engagement ring back on in a big gesture on my bday, he's mr.romantic again all's well the weddings back on we are happy (i think??) until October when BOOM this wierd behaviour is back and i'm starting to get a little worried, the weddings booked for December and he ain't being very enthusiastic anymore- November gets worse - i find out he's talking/texting a friend of mine ALOT i confront him he says i'm crazy, i have male friends he can have female friends (he actually can't have plutonic female friends!! always sexual!!) I back off i trust him coz i'm nuts and he becomes worse and worse, the week before the wedding he has little or no contact with me, i'm freaking out but i love him and he loves me right?!?! i sweep it under the carpet, he goes missing on his stag do for hours?? i sweep it under the carpet......we are living between our parents houses whilst looking for a place to live, he likes one place i say its too expensive, he goes mad throws a fit and gives up looking for anywhere, refuses to engage in househunting all the time i think trying subconsciously to stall commitment.......
December 11th - we get married, he deserves an Oscar for his performance coz to this day i am amazed at how genuine it all felt he even sheds a few tears........guests say it was the most beautiful,happy,heartfelt day.
The honeymoon is short and cheap, we have little money to spare. He's akward and bad tempered but projects that onto me during a walk says i'm sulking and spoilt when i say i'm cold in the sub zero temperatures can we go back to the hotel!! Goes home tells everyone that and also starts to say things such as, 'our wedding felt like a show' 'you were putting on an act' 'we shouldn't be like this' 'i can't give you what you want' 'you ask too much of me'
December 25th i spend the whole day at his parents even though i want to be with my family, i spend time with his Nana whilst he spends the day selfishly lying on the sofa watching TV( nana is the most wonderful woman in the world who is in a care home, he never visits her nor acknowledges her unless its a quick hi and a kiss) it gets late and i ask if we can go see my family.....for gods sake i need to spend some time with my Nana (ermmm the one you ignored all day) so i say OK i'll go to my parents you follow once Nana goes back to carehome. WELL he calls an hour later - says he's going for an Xmas drink with friends - truth is he's alrady in a bar with friends and the new NS!!!! i go mad he comes to my house and spends the evening in silence and with that look on his face i know all too well..........
I don't see or hear from my Narc Hubby for 2 weeks, i spend new year alone and then out of the blue i get a text ' i miss you in my bed' ALARM BELLS i tell him i don't think i can do this anymore......he begs......i tell him my family are over him too ad sick of his behaviour. He secrety goes to see my parents, puts on a big gesture and charms them into believeing he wants to make a go of our marriage even sobs about how he can't live without me! My mum calls him on all his shit, literally tells him he's a waste of time and space and energy.....he promises to buck up and do right by me. So i go to dinner he treats me like a princess, showers me with compliments and love........gets me back.....this time its different. Well it was actually coz this lasted 12 days THE shortest spell ever, i admit i'm feeling insecure to him and that i don't think he's the wonderful person i met..............
January 23rd hubby last seen kissing me on the cheek and telling me he'll see me later that evening.......by the Thursday i dared to text him asking what was going on, he said for gods sake i rang you monday and you didn't answer!!! well he didn't ring me and also what the hell happened to tues and wednesday or even to a husband wanting to know how,where,what his wife was doing ( may i add i was working my ass off to earn us money! ) Another few days pass and on the following Monday i ring no answer so i send a text to say its over, he replies 'so sorry you deserve better i can't do this anymore'
What has since followed has been a horrendous 2 months finding out that he was setting up his new NS since October who turns out to be one of my friends i went travelling with and unfortunately for me looks like a supermodel and is the object of many mens desire in our town. A 21 year old girl who i thought was a friend and had previously informed me i was too good and too nice for him - IRONIC!!! He has lied to everyone about our breakup, apparently i asked too much of him - duh we didn't even have a place to live in and i made my own money and never asked a penny. We argued all the time - duh we would have to be in contact to argue dickhead. We keep going round in circles - duh yeah we do shit for brains coz you keep doing this?!?!?!
He has since had my name tattoo covered up immediately, deleted all pics of us on Facebook, he has moved in with new NS and has told friends he has never been happier.....
Apparently, i stopped him being who he wanted to be and his new girlfriend (who i'm pretty sure will become his fiance even though we can't legally divorce for another 9 months!) lets him be himself. I was suffocating him even though he chooses to spend every single second with the new girl.......the contradictive list goes on.....
Please tell me i've diagnosed him correctly otherwise this mammoth story wasn't worth the read!!!??
Some echos on my side too
What a loser!
Reading this-- wow! This
Well utter relief Beam of
yes, she's got traits...
Yes...
Thankyou Hope Everyone keeps
your story had many echos of
The 'crock of shit' part made
You will be soon. I still
Great advice, we are very
JMi
Don't get me wrong i seem to
don't feel too down on yourself
JMI
Thanks Idealk I am reading as
JMI
You know it's so empowering
GOOD GIRL!!!! You are
Case in point - he doesn't
Jmi
What a Roller Coaster!
I think he's done re-fueling