36 Days NC and REALLY Struggling... Want to make contact.

The longer I go without talking to the xN, the harder it seems to be getting. I am reading an amazing book (can I mention the title? Don't know if that's within the forum guidelines to refer a book title?) a forum memeber referred to me. It has been an enormous help. BUT, for the past three days, all I've wanted to do is talk to the xN. With the help of everyone here and something inside of me, I have NOT broken NC. It is a minute by minute challenge. I keep hearing "Spinning" saying, "Take it one minute, one hour at a time. Before you know it, you'll have made it through another day."
I won't deny, I want him to call me. Moreover, I want him to contact me…. I don’t feel DONE today. I am softening. I refer to THE LIST of all of the really horrible situations I endured.
I want him to tell me he misses me. I want the mirage he used to be, but I want it to be the real him. But that is not who he is. I know this to be true.
Cognitive Dissonance at its finest....

I wake up every morning telling myself, “OK FreeMe, go ahead, call him.” Then what? We would exchange pleasantries, he'd tell me what he's been doing, he'd obviously feel an enormous sense of satisfaction that I CALLED HIM.

Our last call was rather civilized. Yes, I was in tears and he was able to provide a very logical recap of “ Where and why we are where we are…”

This is the reel that keeps playing in my head…. This was the call…

“FreeMe, I’m continuing to date other women…. I am not in a committed or evolved relationship with any other person. That hasn’t changed.
What has changed is the dynamic between you and I that creates such a discomfort for me. Again, it is born from me dating other women, and it creates a behavior in you that’s not ‘who you are’, and I accept that, and I get that, but it creates an ugliness and a dynamic between us that I don’t enjoy. If the roles were reversed I’m sure I’d be feeling the same way. But, I’m not willing to change where I’m just because you want me to. That’s where I’m at… I love you and share an amazing relationship and history with you but I was married for 21 years and want this experience.”

That was our last conversation, rather his last monologue. If I stand back some of it makes sense. Somehow it doesn’t sound Narc-ish. Yes, many mixed messages, but again, he IS a Narc.
So, why do I want to all a man who idealized me for years then rips my heart out of my body? Why would I want to talk to him? Has anything changed in a month? Has he become normal, not a Narc? No!

NC = F’you
CONTACT = PAIN = START FROM DAY ONE AGAIN (No thanks!)

I want him to ache for me, but he doesn’t… I want him to miss me, but he doesn’t… I want him to want only me, but he doesn’t….

I want something that doesn’t exist in this man… working on myself everyday… Peace will come, with time…

Be strong everyone…
FreeMe