Devalued and Thrown on the Junk Heap

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#1 Apr 28 - 10PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Devalued and Thrown on the Junk Heap

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2008/02/devalued-and-thrown-on-junk...

and:
When the psychopath/ narcissist takes you for a ride â€” that is, when he is victimizing people â€” itâ€™s really not personal: Youâ€™re simply not enough of a person for it to be personal. In the psychopathâ€™s eyes, you are an expedient, nothing more.

When he crosses your path, the psychopath is assessing your expediency. He is asking himself, â€œIs there something this impending-sucker has for me? Is there something I can take from this fool that I want? Something I can take that will make me feel good?â€

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com

#2 Mar 23 - 4PM

rache

Barbara

CHEERS for this article.Says it like it IS with these freaks of nature.

#3 Mar 23 - 6AM

Barbara (not verified)

Devalued and Thrown on the Junk Heap

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#4 Jul 1 - 4PM

Barbara (not verified)

when they dump you

see top post ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#5 Jun 18 - 11AM

Barbara (not verified)

Dcrutche - Insurance

Many people who divorce/ separate can have in the divorce agreement that you are to REMAIN on any insurance he has as part of the alimony settlement. Insurance is NOT a reason to stay. It can be dealt with. http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/news/trends/health-insurance-and-divorce.aspx?artid=1247 prevent loss of health insurance by making sure your lawyer informs your spouse's lawyer that you need your health coverage continued. You should also have a clause added in your final divorce agreement that your spouse will continue to provide you health insurance benefits unless you remarry. Remember, if you have a pre-existing condition and then lose your benefits for a certain amount of time, the pre-existing condition may not be covered on your next plan. Also, make sure to spell out clearly in your divorce agreement who will put the children on their health insurance plan and include exactly who pays for the deductibles, co-payments and any uncovered expenses. If your children will need braces, work out an agreement now on who will pay and exactly how much each parent will be responsible for. You can prevent many conflicts and problems with your ex post-divorce by taking the time now to include these issues in your divorce agreement.

#6 Jun 16 - 12PM

Barbara (not verified)

devalued & thrown on the junk heap

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#7 Jun 11 - 1AM

Barbara (not verified)

charlene - the top post & links may interest you

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#8 Apr 29 - 5PM

Barbara (not verified)

Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists.htm

#9 Apr 29 - 6AM

Barbara (not verified)

this one's for you Mallory

"Pathologicals only discard the best, the most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They keep fellow abusers, fellow gossips & enabling, misguided lackeys close. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A. Valerious ~~~~~~~~~~ Victim quotes from this site: http://abuserecovery.synthasite.com/the-devalue-and-discard.php "Abused women aren't "codependent." It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships." -- Lundy Bancroft, Author Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men "The D&D is the most horrific experience one can even imagine...and most of us have remarkable imaginations. So there we are, standing rooted to the spot in complete insanity as we try to reformulate a construction of reality that makes sense to us. And the more we try, the more lost we become because there is no balance between the two divided worlds of the narcissist." "I am a doctor...of all things, and the N nearly cost me my career. I ended up bedridden with depression. You are reacting normally to an abnormal situation. It is devastating, but have faith. You can recover. The key is NO CONTACT. It took time but one year of NC and I am back practicing full time and living life. It has been a long and difficult raod. If not for this board and the love of my 3 wonderful children, I am not certain to have gotten here." "They can replace us faster than greased lightening. At first that really hurts, then we realize it's a blessing in disguise." "The greatest revenge is not letting him see that you give a damn." "N/Ps particularly favor emotional types who are in touch with their feelings as targets. Two reasons - they are such a rich source of NS and they are easiest to spot. And, at the end of a relationship they can stir up more NS with their cruelty. So, what do we do? We need to shut down that emotional part of ourselves to heal and detach from them. Now isn't that just the darndest thing?" "These people don't deserve one more minute of our time and being away from them will eventually prove that hard-learned point." "When I would go away for several days stbxN would be calling people and filling his time before I'd even left the driveway. Even then I sometimes had an "out of sight, out of mind" feeling -- and noted how quickly I got replaced." "Happy, charming at first, then you face the devalue phase pulling the rug out from under you when you least expect it. Then you find out about the lies and manipulations, and you wonder how someone would continue to torment you with a Jekyll and Hyde behavior. They convince you that its because you're not what they want after all." "When I look back at my marriage, I can see with that wonderful 20/20 hindsight that it was doomed right from the getgo, but I couldn't see that - not until I had learned about mental illnesses and healed somewhat and had that wonderful distance perspective that comes from the No Contact. All his relationships ended by his own "bad judgement" and "inability to cope in a close personal relationship" that are the hallmark of the NP." "I find it difficult to fathom how you can give so much of yourself to a person and have them so totally wipe it all away as if it never happened with no remorse and go on their merry way leaving a path of destruction behind them." "Sometimes hiding out is all you can do until you reach a place inside you where your own mind has re-surfaced and the N's diabolical hold upon your psyche has waned." "I don't have any special tools for getting over this, but I know one turnaround for me was a time when, shortly after the Devalue & Discard, too tired to lay down, numbed, hurting, cried out, emptied out - I sat down and was going through some things. It was a box of toys left behind. Things I had bought for Ns' kids. Among them a colouring book and crayons. I picked them up. I began colouring as I had when I was a young girl. It took a while, but thoughts I hadn't had since I was that little girl began to creep into the brain cells that I thought were destroyed by the Ns devalue and discard of me. With each stroke of the crayon, each colour I chose each character I filled in with reds, blues and greens I found a connection with myself. It was quite by accident, but later I was to learn that this is actually a recommended therapy. You were special long before the N. That person is there. She needs you to find her." "It is our very nature to want closure and get some understanding of the reasons why our relationships end in such an incomprehensible way. Nothing makes sense. We're pulled left and right by conflicting emotions and facts. The closure never comes from the NP. That's our job. It's hard. We need to give our psyches a little twist. We need to devalue and discard the NP mentally. That means we have to be very emotionally strong. We have to do that when we're at our weakest times. Now isn't that just the damnest thing?" "Ns get an equal amount of Narcissistic Supply out of seeing you in writhe in agony at their hands as they do seeing you adore them. Once they have devalued you, they may actually get more supply from causing you grief." "When you are discarded overnight by a psychopath/narcissist type you are stunned and confused by the realization that it didn't matter how much time you spent with him or not, how nice you were or not, and how much you gave to him or not -- that's what's so cold and mind-boggling. Don't believe any of his charming future calls about being friends, there's no such thing with such a person, it's strictly about getting some more usage out of hurting you. Don't ever see or take his calls again!! That's the only way you can handle a user and controller -- keep him out of your life." "I witnessed his brutal breakup with his girlfriend. I remember thinking to myself that one day he was going to do the same thing to me. I still married him 3 months later. And sure 'nuf, he did the same thing to me 19 years later." "When you're discarded overnight by a psychopath/narcissist you are stunned and confused by the realization that it didn't matter how much time you spent with him or not, how nice you were or not, and how much you gave to him or not -- that's what's so cold and mind-boggling." "N would 'lob a bomb' at me about every 30 days in the beginning of his leaving and the D&D.The first year, it almost destroyed me. Each time I would begin to settle down, then I would become apprehensive, as I knew the 30 days was coming up and I waited nervously for the next bomb." "Why am I allowing my life to be steeped in misery while he continues to live his life?" The world is continuing to move forward and I am standing still, mourning over this jerk and questioning my value. This man did his best to hold me back instead of supporting me to soar and pursue my potential. I have been totally consumed by this madness and it is time to let go. It is time to start being the ME that he wouldn't allow me to be." "He realized how much I wanted the marriage to work after ending my first marriage. They pick on the most important things, those deep-down things you cherish and want. They seem to value the same, and when the crushing avalanche of devaluation hits it gets right down to those deep-downs you thought they valued too. They are truly evil in that regard." "I would like to add what knowledge I have to reassure anyone who is hurting over having the OW chosen over them. I was stuck here myself when my exN chose another over me. All I could think is... "What is wrong with me?" He is now playing the same distancing game with her. They seem to be apart/ in turmoil more than they are together/ getting along. He has contacted me, and put on the big flirt. If she is so much better than me, why is he doing this? She must be in terrible pain and confusion right now, and I want to go to her, and hold her hand, and soothe her. I know what she is feeling. But I must let her have her experience." "When someone's been so mean to you for so long and purposely tried to hurt and destroy you, you just get to the point where you're numb as to having any feelings for them at all." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#10 Apr 29 - 4PM (Reply to #25)

fairy wings

Narcissistic mothers

The web links you gave have kept be busy tonight, especially reading about narcissistic mothers (which mine clearly was). Every time I have accessed counselling it's been suggested that I look at my childhood, however for a long time I couldn't see the point going back and reminding myself of that time. My way of dealing with it has been to avoid my mother unless I am feeling particularly strong. I have done a lot of inner child work on myself as a result of books I have come across through the rape crisis and sexual abuse support work I have done, however last year year I had four sessions of counselling through my employer and we did look at my childhood. I couldn't seem to get across the full gravity of what my mother used to do to me(and was scared I'd sound like I was asking for sympathy which I wasn't), however it's all there in the article I read tonight. Nearly everything I was nodding to. I still don't 'feel' much of it, however when I consider the childhood I had and consider the confusion i must have felt at that time, I do understand why I have repeated the patterns, by loving people who were emotionally unavailable in my adult life. I remember making a pact with myself at about age 13 that I would not need my mother and telling myself I would survive without her love; I figured if I didn't need her she couldn't hurt me, of course she used this against me too by saying I was far too independant and she recons that is why my relationships fail. After reading the article I phoned my sister, because I felt I wanted to share it. We agreed the pain and injustice continues to this day, our mother is now 80; she will never be able to admit what we were put through and outsiders and family friends have no idea, we just appeared to be a normal family to the outside world, although some people were aware my mother had depression. I'm glad I have my sister, however I won't discuss my childhood in any detail with anyone else because I've learnt people don't understand and they often take the side of my depressed mother. If I didn't have my sister to verify the experience I might think I had imagined this house of horrors! Tomorrow I am going to forward the article to the counsellor I worked with last year. I can say virtually every trick on that list was perpetrated against me and hopefully the article will be of interest to her in her role as a counsellor. Thank you for this link.

#11 Jun 18 - 12PM (Reply to #26)

Barbara (not verified)

support group for Adult Children of Narcs (ACONs)

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Adult-ChildrenOFNarcissits/ (misspelling above is intentional)

#12 Apr 29 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

Fawn

Discarded & Devalued

Thanks for this. It is really helping me to know that I am not alone in dealing with this evil person. I too found healing by getting back in touch with who I was before I was with him. It was a stretch for me because I have known him since the 7th grade, started dating him when I was 17, and have spent over half of my life with him. He tried very hard to suck me dry and I honestly feel that I almost died from pain and grief. I believe that my breast cancer was a result of living with such pain and cruelty. I'm okay now, and I just visited an old friend over the weekend. I lost touch with her during the past 20 or so years. Many people have come back into my life since I have separated from my Narcissistic husband. They are reminding me of who I was and who I now am without him. My life is so much more peaceful and calm and I am in touch with all of those hopes and dreams that I had for myself before I was with him and he tried to suck the life out of me. And to think, I thought I couldn't live without him. I really wasn't living WITH HIM, just waiting for the other shoe to drop, walking around on eggshells and trying to bend myself and my life any way to make him happy. It never happened. He was never happy, and it wasn't me! Guess what? He still isn't happy. He still tries to blame me for everything, but it isn't working anymore. I am so glad to be rid of the constant chaos and confusion that he brings to every situation. It does hurt that he is sleeping with someone else, but I know that it is just a matter of time until he starts abusing her too, poor thing. I did try to warn her when I found out they were seeing each other. She is just a baby and doesn't know anything about life or relationships. She has a lot to learn, but that is her problem, not mine. I am even starting to think that HE is her problem, not mine. It is very liberating. I am still anxious over what he will pull next, especially when he is quiet for awhile. I know that I can survive anything and that My kids and I will be okay. He can't really hurt us anymore.

#13 Jun 17 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

Suzie (not verified)

I feel exactly the same

Mine was alot like yours. I don't miss the stress. He ruined every holiday, vacation, birthday. He made the everyday problems worse. He made the good times bad. He stole the joy away from us. I should hate him and I mostly do. But I still love him too. Everybody says how much my six year old looks like him. I imagine how he must have been as a child. It is really a shame he turned into this unhappy, cruel, awful person he is. He was severly neglected(emotionaly) and abused. And he is bound to abandon our children. He is laying low right now. I haven't been away long. I think about a month now. And he seems to be excepting this a little too well. I don't know what will happen next. I am not prepared for him being with someone else. Evan though I know it is inevatable. There is always another sucker. I am bothe relieved to be away from him and scared of being alone.(which of course I always really have been) Leah

#14 Jun 17 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

Fawn

Leah

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I do know how you feel, but it does get easier. I have taken a few steps back this week, feeling alone & overwhelmed. Cried a lot this am. My husband can legally divorce me as of tomorrow, but I need his insurance. Having an MRI next week, feeling so sad that he doesn't even care. I have made great strides in the past year, and I do believe that living well truly is the best revenge. I took the kids on vacation last week and it was really great. I do very well when I am away, but being here really sucks. I have nc with him, but he lives about 7 or 8 blocks away. I had to take my son over there this am to get his bike, and of course, her car was there. I cried all the way home. She is 23, no job, no kids, no life. All she does is sit around in his crappy apt and wait for him to get home from work. She has nothing else to do except pay attention to him. Gross! Meanwhile, I have all 3 kids all the time. He sees them as little as possible. It really is infuriating how he can be so clueless and cruel. It hurts them and is very confusing for my five year old. How he can just walk away from the kids and me and live like a carefree 20-year-old I will never understand.

#15 Jun 17 - 7PM (Reply to #24)

malloryforest

Dcrutche

I am glad to see you are back, and I am glad you had a nice vacation. Your posts always resonate with me. I think moving forward and then taking a few emotional steps back is part of the healing process. There are some days I feel so strong, healthy and alive. There are other days when I find myself anxious, scared, sad, and angry. I think we just need to be extra gentle with ourselves during these moments, days, or weeks. I also will never understand how these men, and women in my case, can just walk away from their families, and discard everything for a single carefree life. They are different from you and I. We value our children. We value family. They value themselves, and really don't get the same kind of joy we get from our kids. You are a great mom. You are guiding your children. I love that you took them on vacation. He is a moron, and the 23 year old babysitter is not so bright either. Our "other women" did us a HUGE favor. I would have stayed with my STBXNH, but she got him out of my life! You know, I am at a point where I don't even care if they have a great life together. They deserve eachother, and the kids and I deserve so much more! Me and the boys were all cuddled in their bedroom the other night. My oldest told me that he loved his family. He loved his mommy and his brothers, and he had the best family even without daddy living with us anymore. I sat back and realized that his words were true. We do have a fabulous family, and I know my boys feel safe, loved and supportive. Your STBXNH could never be the father that they need. So let him hang out with the 23 year old looser with no life of her own. Look at what he is missing in exchange for her and his carefree 20 year old life. He is missing out on the most wonderful part of life...your kids, your family.

#16 Jun 17 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

RenewD

Dcrutche

I was just thinking about you this morning wondering how you'd been doing. I haven't seen you post anything on the message board in a while and I wondered what was going on. I'm glad you came back and posted! One thing you said in this last post, "how he can just walk away from the kids and me and live like a carefree 20-year-old"...I have to say...be GRATEFUL. Your kids DO NOT need him influencing them, the more he says away, the better for them. I know it's hard to understand, we don't reason that way, so we can't comprehend. But...let him out of their lives and DO NOT take it personally or for one minute feel like you got the shorter end of the stick. You have your kids, they are safe and he is away from them and you. But! HE will have to live with himself for the rest of his life... (I struggle to remember this myself. I think it helps to share that realization with someone else, then I remember it better too! :-P) Stay strong....and don't think about HER. She has no idea what she's in for! ~Denise~

#17 Jun 17 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

neveragain

Dcrutche, Denise is Right!

You have your kids and they are safe. You are away from him and you don't have to breathe the same air that he does! He's a loser and so is his girlfriend. I also was incredibly angry at my ex-husband for the cavalier life he was able to embrace after I left him. He was awful to live with and his drug use was disgusting. He was mean and ugly and cruel. I had to leave to save my daughter and myself. He got off scott free. He could do whatever he wanted, while I worked two jobs to get out of the debt he left me in AND had the parenting responsiblity 24/7. Since his visitations had to be monitored, they were a nightmare...not a break for me at all! He took up hobbies that I no longer had time to pursue and would flaunt his freedom like he was 20 years old again. It was disgusting and frustrating like you wouldn't believe. I was wishing he would get hit by a bus! It wasn't fair!!! My point is this: NOW, my daughter is 25. She's well adjusted, balanced and doing great! She has a college degree and just married the man of her dreams. She's a very sweet person but doesn't take crap from anyone. It was ALL worth it. All the work, the sacrifices, the responsiblities and the stress was worth going through to have my daughter turn out so well. Your children are very, very lucky to have you as their mom. They need you to navigate this journey to recovery and protect them from the weirdness. You can re-write their script and create a safe, healthy environment for them. You have every right to be angry....you are in a tough position. But you can turn this around and be a hero to your kids.

#18 Jun 17 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

Dcrutche

Denise and neveragain are right on!! The old b.s. that children need both parents is WRONG WRONG WRONG and research shows it. What children need is consistency, security and a NON-PATHOLOGICAL PARENT. Keep him away from them. FAR FAR AWAY and be glad that toxic thing (he's not human) is not in the picture anymore. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#19 Jun 17 - 11PM (Reply to #17)

Fawn

Love you gals

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support, I just really list it today. It was like a pressure cooker that just finally exploded. I cried and ranted off & on all day. I feel better now. I don't know if any of you have experienced this, but the more I am with my kids, the harder it is to be away from them. They went out to dinner with him tonight, and I had to see him. Haven't for a couple months. Me--tan from the beach, wearing a cute sundress and sandals, him-- looking old and tired. I pointed out to him that he now has a bald spot in the back too. Hee hee. He is taking my son canoeing tomorrow--makes me nervous. He also has the kids this weekend. I am trying to let it go, but it is soooo hard. It breaks my heart how my 12-year old son has to mow the yard now. I know that it will make him a better, more responsible man, but it still makes me sad. I am going dancing on Friday and Saturday nights! I am very good at being alone, but I must admit that it is getting old being alone. Haven't had a date yet. Some of my friends tell me I am too picky.? I am lonely, just not desperate, and noT willing to dote over some doofus either. Oh Pool Boy!!wait, I don't have a pool! I was back at the place where my breast cancer was diagnosed today with a friend, and I am lucky to be alive folks. Those were some of my darkest days for sure. We shoould all feel grateful to be alive and to havevour wonderful children and the support of each other.

#20 Jun 18 - 8AM (Reply to #22)

Fawn

Health

Thank you for asking. Yes, I am very well. I had a total response to chemo, which I did before surgery. When I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago,3 of my lymph nodes came back positive. I did some very serious chemo and then had a mastectomy and reconstruction in the same surgery. I see my oncologist every 6 months, I am very much in remission, even got my period back. Most people don't know that chemo shuts down your ovaries and throws you into complete menopause. My oncologist calls me "fertile myrtle" ha! I am having an MRI next week just for my own peace of mind. I am still on his insurance, whichbis now the only reason I stay married to him. I have health insurance through my job, but there is a clause that says it won't cover pre-existing conditions for a year, which really bites. So--if, god forbid, I had something happen, my insurance wouldnt cover it, nothing, nada. Stuck!

#21 Jun 18 - 11AM (Reply to #23)

Barbara (not verified)

Dcrutche

that's odd - during the Clinton Administration the pre-existing condition ruling in insurance were made illegal. I will have to check on that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#22 Jun 18 - 6AM (Reply to #21)

grossot

So glad you are alive! Are

So glad you are alive! Are you physically well,Dcrutche? Sorry if I missed that ina a previous post. Let's all help each other think of ways to enjoy our lives and celebrate our deliverence from evil. I believe god saved me from worse things to come. Sounds like you all have been saved from who knows what. Everyones story is so important and vital to save other victims. Barbara I'm thouroghly enjoying Women who love Psychopaths (in my mind I like to add 'and the mothers who made them that way). Another book for everyone: Not under Bondage by Barbara Roberts Seems like hard core religious book at first but does a good job explaining various forms of abuse and the Bible's view on divorce (not what you might think give it a chance!) Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#23 Jun 18 - 1AM (Reply to #19)

neveragain

Dcrutche, Don't DATE

Hey Girl, Don't date. Please. Don't even worry about other men or the affection that they represent or what you think that could mean to you now. I know that as a human being, we crave closeness with someone. However, the world out there as "we" know it, isn't a safe place for us....right now....at this juncture. We have to take things down a notch or two. You can go out. You can have fun. You can socialize and laugh and play, but you cannot, at this point, entertain the idea that SOME/ONE man is going to be "IT". If you "date" someone, you may find yourself distracted from what you really need to concentrate on right now. My friends mother says, "Be careful who you date....they might become your MATE!" Maybe (you're secrety thinking) he'll fill up the void left in your heart and soul and soothe your wounds. THAT's how we ended up where we are in the first place! I'm lucky to be alive. I'm lucky to have a roof over my head and food to eat. I'm lucky that my circumstances aren't more dire than they are at this point. However, I know my life can be better. I will no longer dabble in the psycho-world of craziness. Dcrutche, you mentioned that you were able to point out "his bald spot". Please don't do that anymore. Please do not feed the beast. ANY type of attention (even BAD) will fuel the fire. ANY communication between you, other than an automated, robotic type of persona, will be feeding his desire for attention from you. You cannot do that. Not if you really want to be free from this. I'm sorry if I sound so hard core. You deserve to have fun and enjoy and celebrate life. It's just that your needs for intimacy and affection are to be protected and preserved right now. Focus on your children and your basic needs. Concentrate on figuring out why you are in this situation and how you can prevent it in the future. Your children need you now more than anything they'll ever need in their lives. They need to also accept the process of growing up in a world that forces us to take responsibilities when we don't want to or don't feel "up to it". Life and life's circumstances often require all of us to reach deep down into places inside to find strength and "Hutspa". We have to focus on being there and fully present for each other. Breaking the addiction of a relationship is just like breaking any other addiction. Focus on the goal. Focus on you. Focus on your children. Focus on the new and beautiful, serene, calm and healthy place you're going.

#24 Jun 18 - 2AM (Reply to #20)

Fawn

Good advice

Thanks Never Again, I know you are right, I just need a distraction and some good male energy in my life. I know I shouldn't have said anything to him, sometimes I'm just not strong, which brings me to your other point, which is that my nickname and the name of my business is "chutzpah". So funny that you mentioned that Yiddish word. I love it! I know my kids need me, and I have been there for them through all of this crap, I feel a lot of guilt toward them forcever even marrying such a jerk. Meanwhile, he has moved in the 23-year old babysitter and he's shoving her in everyone's faces. This infuriates me. It is worse because I have no one. Yes I'm taking the high road, yes I'm respecting my children's feelings. They know I am here for them and feel totally safe & secure with me. But I am alone. I am a smart, funny, beautiful woman who is lucky to be alive. He isn't happy that I'm alive. He doesn't ask about my appointments with my oncologist. He doesn't care! That hurts.

#25 Jun 17 - 11PM (Reply to #18)

Barbara (not verified)

Dcrutche

sounds like you aren't ready to date at all; not picky. don't let "well meaning friends" push you. You don't sound ready. Get a copy of HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN as well as the workbook that goes with it - that might help you hone your N-radar. I was telling Lisa all about what my surgeon told me about their findings - you're right, I am lucky to be alive... no thanks to the Ns and Ps in my life. We all shouldbe happy that we, at least, have a soul. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#26 Jun 17 - 12AM (Reply to #4)

Barbara (not verified)

Leah

You aren't in love with HIM. There is no HIM - he's hollow. You are in love with the mirage, the lure, the fake guy... the guy who doesn't really even exist. There's a huge difference between loneliness & solitude. It takes time but once you learn to like your own company you will be much safer from guys like him. Narcs COUNT on you being lonely and hanging in there no matter what crap they throw at you. Prove him wrong. You are a whole person WITHOUT him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#27 Jun 17 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

OregonGal (not verified)

Another Healthy Reply

Barbara THANK YOU for the response above. You are SO RIGHT. How did you ever get so darn smart. We all were in love with a mirage and moving target, a fake, a hollow poster board of a human being. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am still struggling because it is just soooo darn hard to believe that someone could be the way these people are. But, the fact is. . . they are. OregonGal

#28 Jun 17 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

OregonGal

years & years of dealing with a NarcMother, NarcFriends, Narcboyfriends, Psychopathboyfriends, Narc/Psycho-Bosses... after my last go round with NarcExHusband and then PsychopathBoyfriend I had it - I did research, read, learned, etc. Never again! http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/16/my-story Now I am trying to pay it forward. I am totally disabled from all the stress of these people in my life and myself & my kids live on my govt' disability (which is VERY small) and exNH pays our rent & utilities. I coach victims but I think because I am on this board for free - I now have had no clients in about 3 months. I was/am trying to save up money to get properly certified to help victims.... oh, well... Anyway - that's how I got "so smart" - the fact these guys are so alike only proves their PATHOLOGY and INCURABLE PERSONALITY DISORDERS!! I wish we could just push them all out to shark infested waters sometimes. But what I really wish is for women like us to WALK AWAY from these ego-infested lifeforms and let them have each other and leave us alone. If you click on MESSAGEBOARD I have loaded it up with articles, etc ...going back all the way to about page 17. Just go through them and educate yourself. Any questions you have have probably already been answered. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#29 Jun 17 - 10AM (Reply to #5)

Suzie (not verified)

Barbara

That hurt. Now I get it. The truth really does hurt. I know he was fake. Although, I still don't fully understand how you could spend so many years with someone and not develope feelings for them. I know the only feelings that exsisted were my own. I know that!! But my feelings were ginuine. And I feel the same loss as I would if It were a real mutual feeling relationship. Knowing that I had such deep feelings and love for someone who was hollow just makes me feel like an idiot... I need to hear what you are telling me. I need to hear you say it 100 times a day. But it feels like a slap each time. Leah ( thank you so much for this education Barbara)

#30 Jun 17 - 11AM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

Leah

YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT! You, like thousands & thousands of other victims of pathologicals - were TARGETTED, LURED, BRAINWASHED and ABUSED. The idiots are them... they aren't even human in my book. If you read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS you will see it was all the good & healthy things about you that made you a target of these evil, soul-sucking cretins. The only slaps I give are the 'SNAP OUT OF IT' kind ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#31 Jun 17 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

Marie

*****************************

************************************************************** If you read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS you will see it was all the good & healthy things about you that made you a target of these evil, soul-sucking cretins. *************************************************************** Leah/Barbara, I'm still coming to terms with being in love with a phantasm as well. I think of all the time I spent with him and all the love I felt for something that wasn't real. I've been trying to be kinder to myself but do have trouble forgiving myself for being such a fool. Barbara, you are right these psychos know exactly the type to pick to prey upon, what to say, how to behave. Being a good person makes it hard to understand how another can be so cruel because it's something you could never do. They lack compassion because it's a good and normal emotion to have. They are void of any good feelings. Leah, don't be so hard on yourself. The reality of what has happened to you is hard to fathom because you are a good woman with a generous heart. I've been apart from my psycho a year and still have moments of anger mixed with sadness. You believed you were loved, something we all want and deserve. It's hard to know it was all a lie, it's demoralizing. But that's exactly what these slugs want to do. They have a hatred or fear of women (people in general as well) and want to ruin them. From most of my reading the majority of these men are the biggest losers who've done nothing with their lives so need to bring others down to feel good about themselves. It's painful to face the reality but once you get it the sadness will be replaced with anger. I hate my ex for taking and abusing all my good qualities and my love. I wish you the best.

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