This was insightful in that they either end up or want someone totally compliant or an "abuser" or N. I know I'm not either, and that I was just too strong. I called him out on his behavior at times, and in the end, I dished back in self-defense. Once my exn-p said he liked that I "didn't just accept his shit." Once I told him, "I'm sick of this macho bullshit." I was in the South, quite a switch for a Cali girl, haha. For those who doubt it, I would like to confirm that the submission of women is not dead there (strong statement? Yes, but it's an odd culture, if you weren't raised in it). I was in a place where they still say, "Yes, mam" or his sons called me "Miss Cali" (used my real name tho). Let me say, yes, this sounds good in theory, felt like there was respect in the words themselves, but in reality, especially behind closed doors, God forbid if you questioned "your man" or perhaps any man in any sense. His son once told me I was "a strong woman." Like an untamed horse, I suppose I would have to be broken. No, not this filly. Hell no!! :)
xx
I'd recommend Euripides' "Hippolytus" in using the equine metaphor. Hippolytus is a misogynistic, cerebral Narc;the very thought of sex disgusts him. The goddess Aphrodite ends up having his horses drag him to a rather gruesome death. Sometimes, I think I was that way with the ex-Psych. Not only did I throw him, but I put some kicks in... and when horses throw their riders (my mother did horseback riding when she was young)... it's a terrifying and painful experience. The ex-P would always say I was strong, that's why he wouldn't let me go (those were his words)
BTW-Hippolytus is Greek for "breaker of horses."
I don't regret what I dished out in self-defense... I was defending myself. Don't regret engaging in self-defense;you have a NATURAL right to self-defense, so what you did to him was justified&right.
The ex-P tried to play macho. He ended up marrying a butch woman (she was rumored to be a lesbian, the joke among my classmates was that if I gave them Victoria's Secret lingerie, the ex-P would wear them, her tank top at the senior picnic was a BIG DEAL) whose position at her workplace is greater than his, and she makes more $$$ than him. One of my friends speculated "Maybe she's a Narc too." In other words, made for each other. He liked fighting. That's the one memory I had of his current wife (back when she was his girlfriend)
He admired Leo Tolstoy. Now, one can speculate if Leo's wife Sofia was herself a Narc. She was prone to histrionics. Female Narcs tend to go for older, wealthier, more famous men... he was 16 years her senior when they wed (she was 18,he was 34&famous)
At one point, Sofia's sister Tanya was romanced by Leo's brother Sergei. Sofia waxed rhapsodic on the romance&impending nuptials. In the end, Tanya learned that Sergei had a common-law wife&several children... she was devastated&attempted suicide. Leo reproached his brother. One can argue in this instance that both Leo&Sofia exhibited narcissistic behavior. They both knew about Sergei's common-law wife&children, but didn't bother telling Tanya.
One can argue that Jack&Charmian London were Narcs. Charmian was a few years older than Jack. Even after she married Jack, she still had sex with other men&he admired her for it. After Jack London died, she romanced the married magician Harry Houdini. Houdini regretted it&went NC. She still praised him as "Magic." She was willing to endanger his marriage... after all, she had an impassioned affair with Jack London when he was still wed to his first wife, Bess.
The ex-P realized I wasn't a heartless N like him (perhaps his wife is, I reserve judgment, I only met her once)... but I was about as compliant as an unbroken horse. He didn't know what he was dealing with....
It was like he wanted me to be a dog. This helped a lot! My experience was torturous. What you said about them talking to others makes sense and he drives a truck ALONE, plenty of opportunity. He tried to always talk up how faithful he is and how it was only me the time we were together, when I knew full well there was another woman he "dated." That is a long story though.
I do feel guilty, because in self-defense, I sometimes dished back, called him ugly and a monster.
Love this post! When I was with him I used to think what did his ex wife do to ruin their marriage. I would never want my life without him! He said she was nuts, he gave her everything, blah, blah , blah. Then I was the b est thing that ever happened to him, love of his life, happiest he's ever been, will always love me, blah ,blah,blah. Now I am nuts, the worst thing that ever happened to him, he just wants me out of his life, blah , blah, blah. And 3 weeks later when I was in the ER for being thrown to the curb, he was back with old gf from 5 years ago. Sparrow told me the other day it doesn;t matter what she looks like, if she;s better in bed, bettr cook, etc. it only matters to you and she is right. I weigh 115 am 5, 4 blonde attractive his new old/gf is 5, 7 skinny blonde. hen he was with me he told me he liked long legged blondes. well he's only 5'7 and when I saw him with old gf he looks like a tree stump next to her. he is in st thomas with her now. I don't feel anything because I know it's not real. He's honeymooning. I'd much rather be honeymoning by being close to that person along with the chemistry. He is mimicking back to her now, fully masked. I did it for 5 years and when his mask dropped I hated the man in front of me. I had no interest. I just hate that he fucked with my head for 5 years.
Isn't sorting out the mindf*k the worst part. I had the same exact experience. At first, I was the woman he has loved more than anyone, will always love me, at the end, I was "another one of his mistakes, bitch, liar, cheater..." I am 115, 5'5", brunette. If you look at his ex's, all 3, and look at me, anyone would be like WTF? And believe me, some looked twice and didn't think I was with him. You cracked me up about how he looks like a "tree stump." :) xx
Susan32
The unbroken horse
Yes, blueworld! Thank you!
the ow
bw and cali
legacy123
Legacy123, thank you!