"the hoover"

thanks everyone! I have actually changed my phone number twice during the duration of our relationship. I have text blocking and call block professional. but in the past i wanted him to call and wanted him to be sorry and fix it so i was always checking to see if a blocked call came in, a text came in and he always ended up with my numnber some way some how. This is the first time i have looked at all the calls come in as they were actually coming in and said to myself eh... what is the use? I found out some other things about things he has done during the course of our relationship even in the very beginning which now leads me to believe i dont even know who this guy is. I am getting the promise texts now. he loves me so much, i am what he has wanted his whole life, he wants to start our family and move in together. Welll he wanted to move in last time and we even went to go look at a house and guess who changed their mind when i was right back where he wanted me? give up?? that guy. Since he has been gone on his vacay I havent cried, I just feel so different this time. I know there isnt anything he can say. he has said and promised it all and to date nothing was delivered but a big package of disappointment and abuse with a big ol shiny bow and lacking the gift receipt. Last week I came to the conclusion he is ruining everything I worked so hard for. And I am allowing it. I went back to school after working towards it for several years. And I was doing exceptional when classes first started but he starts with his abuse I get so affected by it.. I dont do my homework, I dont go to class, I just dont handle it well.. He knows how excited I was to start my classes. He knew how long I have been working 2 jobs and planning to take this path.. and what does he do.. support me? nope. Makes my life more stressful then necessary. And if I tell him I was upset and having trouble focusing then its a put down. Get yourself together is what I am told. So I decided I am going to focus on my goals and not let him ruin any of it for me. Why waste thousands of dollars on tuition to fail my classes? I am not going to be bitter... I am going to be better! Lets hope the more I type this the more it sticks! Every time I start to question it or what he has said about me or done to me... I will just have to remind myself... I did the right thing... I gave him all my love, effort, time, understanding, energy... and he didnt give me that. I deserve what I put in... WE ALL DO! I would never ask anyone to give me something I wouldnt give them. I know what I want.. I am not waundering aimlessly around the planet looking for things or people to make me feel good or superior or validated like most of these men we have all seemed to get hung up on. Never knowing what or who they want. Filing their lives with the meaningless. Empty relationships, meaningless sex with random people, constant conflict. No thanks! They dont know whether to scratch their butts or whind their butts! And they will remain unhappy. and I feel bad for them. and if he has moved on to someone else.. well I feel bad for her too. Yes she might get my good times with him, my early morning cuddle sessions or lazy sundays but she is eventually going to get all tha pain I did. All the anxiety, the agony, the crying, wasted time, and he wont be there for her just like all the times he wasnt for me. let someone else have that if they want it. I have already wasted too much mascara on that guy. And i want the wrinkles on my face to be from smiling and laughing not from crying and frowning. And say one day he magically changes and becomes prince charming and treats someone else like a queen and is happy. Well good for him. I did love him (or what i thought was him) So i dont wish him a life of misery ( I am sure he can create that on his own will) It just wasnt meant for him to do that for me. It was another learning relationship... for us both. While he clearly suffers from NPD I also have learned alot about myself. I need to work on boundaries, the diease to please, and the saying "everyone deserves a second chance" might be well and fair.. but not everyone deserves a 3rd, 4th, 5th, 20th and so on and so fourth. In the future.. that will not happen. It will be a red flag parade. just got another call and text... I am waiting for the angry messages. Well I did get one last night that said I fucking called a thousand times and I will leave you alone and never call you again if that is what you want. oh realllyyy?? Alrighty... back to homework I go... I feel good and I am thinking of all of you ladies too and sending my good and positive vibes out to you! big hugs... and whoever he might be in your life... HE isnt worth it!