Hoover via work VM… It’s affecting me… Day 26 NC

Darn it! I have been out of the country for a week and had countless VM’s on my work phone. The last message, which was left early this morning was the NARC. (My IT department cannot block numbers. We have 400+ employees). Just when I feel I’ve hit my stride, he strikes. I went to great lengths to ‘get out of town (actually, the country) to avoid feeling the holiday blues.
I have to admit, hearing his voice fills me with such an odd range of emotions. Today, I am angry at the DISORDER. Why does the human brain do this to people? I am angry at his hideous mother for treating him like a piece of shit his whole life, never telling him she loved him, teasing him as a teen and telling him he doesn’t deserve his success as an adult. There is good in him, but he’s so fucking terrified of being hurt so he destroys everything around him before it can hurt him. It’s so sad to me today. I loved the ‘good’ him, the ‘fake’ him, the person HE dreamed of being. I want there to be a pill to ‘fix’ him. But he cannot be fixed.
I’m writing here, because I promised myself I would on the days I feel like responding to his hoovers. I think I ‘m just jet lagged and feeling vulnerable. I miss the good of the past. But that isn’t who he is… He is the person who said and did very hurtful things to me. He is the person who wants to “DATE” other women while telling me I am “his way forward, his big love”. Such crap.
I will remain strong. I have struggled through the past 26 days of NC. I’m not tossing it in now to go back to ground zero. I am truly seeing the benefits of breaking the energy connection with the disordered one.
To all of you (me included) struggling with NC, I can tell you this… The pain these people inflict on our hearts and souls is MUCH MORE PAINFUL than the hurt of disconnecting and going NC. I was not committed to NC 6 months ago, 4 months ago, 2 months ago. I have been on this site for 30 weeks. THIRTY WEEKS…. I knew there was a problem and found this site, but didn’t do anything about it… I needed some sort of validation. Proof. Well, I got it, time and time again.
When I finally BELIEVED that he was/is disorder, I could not turn a blind eye. When others posted topics about their NARC’s that sounded as if they were seeing MY NARC, I began to believe it. I do believe it.
We all need to break the energy connection. You will feel you soul mending. You won’t live in the constant whirl of his moods. You won’t have to guess anymore. There is peace. Peace in silence. I think about the chaos he creates everywhere he goes. And, I’m grateful I’m learning to love peace.
Thank you to all of you who responded to my previous post, Happy “Hoover” New Year”. I wanted to respond to each of you who took the time to post on the topic but I was in a remote area in England and didn’t have WiFi. I feel so grateful to everyone who takes their time to support others on this site. I think of you as friends. It’s a wonderful gift.

Love to all,
FreeMe