Left? ... Ha - he didn't answer again. Ignored me. Pushed my call through and went on with his life. No word since. ... And me, well - I cried a lot. Thought about checking myself into a mental home... and eventually got the courage to post here again admitting how horrible falling feels and how much it feels like failing. ... Things with him have been left the same way he always leaves me. My wanting some pathetic connection in some attempt at regaining control of the situation or otherwise masochistic behavior. Him - totally unaffected and with me completely out of his mind. I used to be crazier in this place which is somewhat hopeful for me now - if that makes sense. I used to call him a ton and email - a variety of nice and awful things depending on my mood in that instant. I used to want to show up at his house, call him out on his lies, follow him where he was going to "prove" to myself I was not crazy and he was lying. "Catch him" somehow (and every time I did, it didn't matter). ... Now I don't want the proof (and recognize that I was actually being crazy when I did because I was refusing to see what was right there and acting like a crazy person). ... Now I am working on having the mindset right and have pulled myself back -- but the addiction keeps at me. I can post here and know that I'm saying the right thing. Know that my insight is on and that NC and all the rest is the only way out. But I feel like a hypocrite because I'm not following through on my words. I'm not standing behind what I know is good for me. ...
You will never make it better, each time you go back you lose a bit more dignity.. I know because I did it..in my head I was trying to remind him how fantastic I was..god this is embarassing but ok..
I would recreate myself each time based on what I had learned from the latest d and d..
So if he said I didnt care enough, the next time he got in touch after the inevitable silent treatment I would be caring. He told me his wife didnt care, I became that caring person..
I got told I was too needy, too much..
So next time I played the fun casual girl..he told me he would get me a ring..I was playing the 'fun casual' and said yeah yeah I know for my neck..he told me I was a fucking loser idiot and no wonder he was like he was with me.
My point is you cant win no matter what you do.
I flogged my arse out trying to be what he wanted, I lost myself..I kept going back to try and find my boundaries, maybe it would be ok this time...I made such a fool of myself.
You can make it stop now hon x
I don't think you failed. I think you fell as Sparrow said. I feel the same way. I am having a terrible time with NC. It sounds so easy doesn't it, but it's not. Keep trying & don't give up. It's not our fault we have hearts & love people!! They don't have that joy of love. We do & it hurts like hell when they don't give us the love back. I so feel for you cause I'm having the same problem as you. I thought I was getting better, but the damn memories & thoughts have me reeling!! We can do this. We will be NC & succeed!! There are alot of bad days right now, but the good days are just up the hill!!! Keep going!!!
Hugs!!
Emmy
Ok dont beat yourself up hon
Left? ... Ha - he didn't
Can I just add
It's OK