indifferent's story

My story

After much reflection on recent events and lots of research including many of your stories on here, it would appear I have encountered one of these delightful beings!

I will relay events from the beginning but I must stress everything has only fallen into place recently!

Just over 2 years ago, I began working on a project with a seemingly unassuming, reserved older man. My job involves contact with lots of people and this one barely registered with me other than at the weekly meetings we had to discuss progress etc of the project.

At the time I was with my long-term partner who, although difficult wasnt N (he did take responsibility for being an arse!). We had just come through an extremely tough few months during which I had lost my beloved grandmother in quite horrible circumstances and had practically lived at the local horspital for 6 months at her bedside. My LTR wasnt stable enough to endure this kind of emotional strain and we had split temporarily. We did reconcile and being an 'open book' I freely chatted about my private life in work with colleagues etc and I believe this is where the N's interest started.

I hadnt realised at the time but he started called me everyday at work to discuss the project and there were many times when I dodged the calls as I viewed him as a bit of an irritant and knew he would take loads of time telling me something that should only take a few seconds!!

He managed to stick around on further projects - I now realise he must have manipulated the boss and she secured his services long after the original project had come to an end.

Anyway throughout this time he obviously had an agenda but I was oblivious and just viewed him as a sweet man but a bit boring!

Fast forward to Sept 2010. And the collapse of life as I knew it. I discovered my adorable 16 year old daughter was suffering from anorexia. All hell broke loose at home as it was naturally denied and the sweetest kid I have known became a complete stranger who engaged in many behaviours that N's display! Manipulative, gaslighting, lying, divide and conquer behaviours. Horrible. As a mum you know something is wrong but she managed to convince the world I was mad and paranoid. Little did I know that this experience, as awful as it was, was going to put me in the best position ever when it came to dealing with the N! To cut the story short, my relationship was not strong enough to withstand this devastation so in Nov I found myself alone in a rented apartment, and my daughter still maintaining no illness, went to 'hide' at her dad's and proceeded to avoid me at all costs as I posed the dreaded risk of exposing this horrendous mental illness. My darkest days then turned into the most enlightening period of my life. I could sit and bemoan my dreadful situation or I could do something about it. I chose the latter. Its amazing where the inner strength comes from when faced with your biggest fear - losing a child. After much patience, love, understanding, and most importantly, not taking anything personal and processing every single emotion until healthy detachment became 2nd nature, my daughter faced up to the illness and began her own fight (which she is winning and doing well now). Throughout these months where I largely operated on automatic I think, the N was ever present. More so than I ever realised, I was just so consumed with personal journey that the phone calls barely registered. I have to say I must have been one of the most frustrating targets ever!! Here was this extremely vulnerable woman who's world had fallen apart overnight and the 'knight' was spending hours on the phone asking how things were - I actually talked through my own therapy to him without taking a blind bit of notice of anything he said!!

Life started improving. I found happy. I learnt much about mental illness from the experience and much about control as this also is a key driver for eating disorders. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was to hand complete responsibility for my child's life... To my child. I had my first second and third experience of 'letting go' all within a year. And it was the most liberating, life enhancing thing I ever did. It also served its purpose and my daughter took full responsibility and started her journey too. I knew I couldnt do it for her. Just support. Anyway this is relevant in light of recent events whereby I eventually found myself starting a 'relationship' with the N. His patience of 2 years paid off. Credit to him for sticking at it! Unfortunately for him, I had just come through the worst/best period of my life and the deployment of every single weapon in the N arsenal has fallen flat.
He has been a pathological liar from day 1 I now know. Every part of my life has been mirrored back to me and for reasons unknown(possibly subconsciously I knew it was rubbish)I didnt take much heed! We have had the anorexic neice, the kids with same interests as mine, the events in my life that have also occurred in his, everything I like, he likes... List is endless and to be honest it makes me a little sad that these people exist in a world made up of other people's reality. As he was married I made it perfectly clear that I wouldnt engage in any kind of relationship due to this and also I told him I believed people need time to become emotionally healthy following the breakdown of a relationship. This from my own experience where it had taken many months to sort through the emotional baggage and fold and pack it neatly away in order to be ready for the next! He managed to 'imply' the marriage had been over years and he moved into his own place in December 2011, all the while being quite intense with communication etc. You all know the drill... I love you, need you blah blah blah. The uneasiness started. Something was off. I decided it wasnt for me and told him so. He insisted on coming over to talk and subsequently tried to convince me differently. Eventually bursting into tears. What surprised me more than any of this pantomime performance was my reaction. As an empathetic person, being faced with a grown man crying (only now do I know it was likely faked as he is a N) I remained completely calm I hugged him and told him he should leave now, in a kind, compassionate way. I was not engaged emotionally in this drama and even now I find it difficult to believe! Knowing what I know now it was the best reaction. In fact as my name implies, he has not managed to provoke anything other than mild irritation and occasional pity from me. Following this he continued to stay in touch via text which I thought ok not a problem he seems to have accepted it. We then had the diagnosis of a debilitating illness. Again I responded with a measure of compassion and kindness but with an undertone of indifference. He hasnt mentioned it since! I began researching his behaviour and it became clear that it is NPD or very near due to the number of traits. I reflect back now and he used to say bizarre things such as doesnt that upset you or doesnt that hurt you. All kinds of work dramas I think he has manufactured but theyve completely passed me by as I managed to reach a stage in my life whereby having faced and come through my biggest fears, having lost or come close to losing the most important things in my life, things such as work dramas make me laugh and do not register at all! I also recognise him attempting triangulation (he called me at work once last year and hung up. I returned the call and some woman answered. I presumed was his wife and said I was returning his call. Thought nothing of it at the time as I had no inkling he was playing games with me!)

Knowing what I now know I think I have probably caused this man severe narcisstic injury through my non-engagement in his dramas. I refused to play. But still he tries. I respond with kindness and compassion but my boundaries are clear. If I sense he's fighting for something or lying or anything other than general adult pleasantries, I disengage. I do not respond.
I have not delivered the ultimate injury and ripped off the mask as he hasnt inspired enough negative emotion in me for that. I gently implied that I had woken up to his games and made it very clear that I have no intention of being involved with him romantically yet I have no reason not to remain in touch if he feels it appropriate. I dont initiate any contact but he checks in now and again to which I respond politely.
I have to admit there were some confusing, disorientating moments over the few months but now I am aware of who I was dealing with it all makes perfect sense. It used to strike me that at times he appeared mature, intelligent and 'manly' but there were certain times when all I could see was a little boy in a 50 year old body! Thats exactly as it felt... A vulnerable, frightened, helpless child, even though he never threw a tantrum and apart from the one time he 'cried', he always maintained a cool, collected mature persona,.. It still felt like I was in the company of a kid!
Anyway events of the last couple of years has taught me that I am responsible for noone but me. My daughter is now 18 and doing well and taking responsibility for her and life I like.
I do not give anyone permission to 'own' anything about me and neither do I take responsibility for anyone elses happiness. Thats their business. My happiness, my hurt, my life is exactly that.. Mine. I told the N this once when explaining that I wasnt getting involved in his idea of a relationship and now he is currently parroting that line back to me when I respond to his enquiring about how I am. I politely ask how he is back and he quotes my speak back. Would be marvellous if he really bought into it but its safe to say thats very unlikely!!
I have learned so much this last year. Most of it about mental illness which has made me acutely aware of how much disordered behaviours exist in today's world! Its quite unnerving but we cannot change others behaviour. Only our own. I think the one thing that has spared me of hurt from this experience is not taking any of his actions personally. Very similarly to my daughters behaviours when in the grip of mental illness, I realised then that my taking attacks personally would only hinder the situation and that is exactly what they want. It diverts them from facing up to the ugliness thats inside. And thats their goal I guess. Survival.

This is a great site and it helped me enormously in putting together the pieces of this encounter. I have read many stories and want to wish all of you the very best in recovering from these toxic experiences. I am so grateful that my encounter came at the time it did as it has spared me much misery and hurt. Prior to the last 2 years I would have been hell-bent on showing this strange man what love was! We all now know that would probably be futile.

I know I havent gone NC as I am still able to respond with kindness compassion yet no attachment. I am sure he's probably got plans for me in his twisted mind that wont be the Disney experience and I may need to completely disengage from contact. But thanks to this site and others I was able to educate myself and can now recognise the struggle he engages in daily. These people must be exhausted from fighting every single day! I once told him I'd stopped fighting the world and started fighting myself and although the response was positive its unlikely these people will ever undertake that task!

If you made the end of this story, thank you so much. I wasnt going to post my story but felt I should as I have read so many and found them so helpful. Remember... Indifference!! It works.