Just had a weird revelation
Just had a weird revelation
Maybe this isn't weird to everybody else but I was just walking through my kitchen and said outloud to myself, "You know what... the reason it's so hard for you (yep talking to myself) to wrap your mind around the fact that he really does have this disorder, is because it would be like actually running into Frankenstein or Dracula and going OMG you really do exist!" It's like reading about it and dealing with the reality of it are two completely separate issues. Like reading a horror story or even a newspaper about a horrific crime, but not being able to comprehend that it could actually happen to you.
Why is it so hard for this to sink in completely... I mean all the way down to the cellular level? YOu know it's true ... then you think, hmmmmmmm maybe not, and round and round we go.
So far, my Memorial Day has gone like this.... called me Mom this morning to tell her that I just wasn't coping well. Everything seemed too overwhelming. I still don't have the refinancing done and doubt he'll show up like he said he would, even if I can get a date scheduled through the mortgage broker. I've been horribly sick all weekend and just starting to feel better, but now I have cramps - Arghhhh! And told her that I'm walking around the house noticing everything that has to be done and my mind is a whirl so I can't seem to do any of it.... same thing happens at work - I'm just keeping my head above water but nobody has caught on yet.... any day I'm afraid they will. Crying and crying to her about my jaw hurting, my neck hurting, my nightmares. She's the best mother a person could ever have. Always there for me... always. She only lives 4 miles away, but she struggles with her own health issues, breast cancer survivor, rhematoid arthritis, etc. She's an amazing trooper!
THen I start getting emails from him. Being nice last night and then this morning he is rude and nasty... all because I told him I would answer a few of his questions if he could simply take 20 minutes to read my answers and look at the whole thing from my point of view. (Yes, I know Barbara.... stupid stupid stupid). His response was to tell me "I've been looking at the whole thing from your point of view for 8 years, I'm way beyond 20 minutes. You don't need to respond." And POOF he's offline. Which is par for the course. But my mouth fell open anyway... like it always does. I don't even know why it amazes me that he acts like this. I could almost set the clock by him... or write a script word for word on most days.
Soooo then I decided it would be good for my mind if I made a list of all these things to do that were causing me to feel like I was going crazy so I could prioritize. Then I actually got up and did the most immediate and simple things. WHich helped a little bit. I'm now going to iron a few clothes (which I hate ironing period end of story) but then I'm going to sit with my son and watch a cute movie about kids opening a kennal for stray animals. And we'll eat something simple but healthy and I will keep trying not to cry or rub my jaw from clenching my teeth.
So yes... it's like I have actually run into Dracula and keep wanting to say, "Oh cmon. Vampires and monsters don't exist. THere's nothing in the closet or under the bed. Stop kidding around." But he's not kidding is he?
I won't be able to go NC until I get this house refinanced... because he has every right to walk in here whenever he wants and if I piss him off too much he's going to pull all his control issues and not be available for the closing. Because after all... he's in Cincy at mama's right now cleaning up her yard (instead of his own) and putting together a concert in September staring him.... and well he has to travel for gigs. But if I ever get this accomplished... I'm going to have to bite the bullet and stop talking to him. I'll just have to sooth my own broken heart like all you other lovely strong women are doing. Because he's going to keep stomping all over me.
I swear to God that I have never done anything to this man except try to support him, help him with his career endeavors, listen to his troubles, even stood up for him on many an occasion. BUt he absolutely seems to hate me most of the time.
He has tremendous power over
..
liar
Same boat.
leah
finallydone
If it makes you feel any
finally done
Hanging in there
actually
yeah, true
Yeah and what really made me
finallydone
his response
lisa rocks
http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview
nolongercontrolled
grossot