KnowRegretz story

The Narc in my life entered some 5 years ago. He was oh sooo charming and caring and attentive. I think even back then there was something nagging at me from the inside that this WAS too good to be true. I ignored the gut warnings. My mistake. My BIG mistake. Almost as soon as we were married it was like Jekyl and Hyde. The mask came off. EVERYTHING, and I do mean EVERYTHING about NPD fits this man to a tee. Then throw in there a bit of anti-social personality disorder and some sociopathic behavior and wah lah! you have my Narc! EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT! Just ask him! :o) HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I have never been sick a day in my life. Within the last 5 years I have had cancer and blood clots. Now throw in with that PTSD, insomnia and feeling like I'm losing my mind and you have me - as I am now. I was reading on this site that Narcs use NLP and almost passed out! That's ALL my Narc talks about! Only he tries to bend it to the "good" meaning that NLP is wonderful for everyone! Uh.... yeah... right... Then in the next breath he comes out and says "I can manipulate you without you even knowing it." Yeah.. NLP is JUST wonderful isn't it?

I found a pdf file on his computer called "How to get your wife to Cheat", nice huh? I confronted him about it (after I deleted it) and his b.s. story was "I just wanted to see how some stupid person thought they could actually do something like this." yeah right... I think there are ALOT of things I don't know about this person, and maybe it's better I don't. It's for sure, HE's not going to tell me anything about his past that doesn't make him look good.
I keep my distance and keep myself safe. The longer I know him, the more I am convinced that there are things that are just "off" about him. Others say the same thing.

I don't even think I rank second on his list. His "family" which I am not considered one of, live in another state a few hours away. Since we were first married, he thinks that he should be able to see them 24x7x365. I first tried asking him why he would want to do that since he now had a wife and our life should come first. Didn't he want to get to know me? Didn't he want to build a life with me? I wasn't saying not to see them, but why bother to get married if he wanted to only/always be with them? Well, the truth always comes out. He wants to be with them because they are a primary source of narc supply. They put up with his lectures (not conversations -- that takes two or more ppl and all he wants is for everyone else to listen to him), and his rants, and his rages (they are afraid of what he can do--they have seen it first hand), and they cater to his every whim because of his rages and they know in a short while he will be gone (and be back here).

He doesn't really want to be with me anymore I don't think as I have caught on and am wise to the b_llsh_t and the continual, never-ending lies he tells. HE can't even tell where one lie ends and the next begins, and he doesn't really care. He knows I am on to him as I make no point to hide it--not arguing about it, not being defensive, but letting him know what he has told me prior to the new lie and how it doesn't fit. He has been physically abusive in the past (not his fault -- I MADE him do it, and it's more the victim's fault b/c she comes back so it's just an invitation for the man to do it again...sick), but it seems he is now just (as if just is fine) emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive. OH, and I left out the best. He (says he) is a Christian. Well, if he is one, then I don't want to be one.

He tries the "gaslighting" - the "I never said that, you're crazy, etc." B.S. but by now I know what he is doing. I'm not sure if he is seeing anyone else/others (he works on the road alot), but it wouldn't surprise me. I just found out that he has been sneaking money out of our joint account and he won't tell me where it's going. When I confronted him on it he said, "Don't you remember? We talked about it and you agreed that it was ok?" No, no WE didn't agree to ANYTHING. Then when I ask him where it is going all he says is "God." yeah right... So I say, "well, unless you have his personal address, to what organization are you sending the money?" Like usual, all the mystery, and lies, and b_llsh_t...he says, "you should remember, I already told you." If I ask him to tell me again he tells me no then he starts raging and attacting to get me to stop asking. WE ALL KNOW that it's not going to God. And WE ALL KNOW that he's not mad because I am asking, he is mad because he GOT CAUGHT!! Now, he is acting as if everything is ok fine and like nothing happened and like it's ok that he continue to take this money. WHERE THE H_LL IS HIS MIND?!! How can he do this? But then I stop and realize he can act like this and do this because he thinks he's done nothing wrong. HE takes no accountability and no responsibility FOR anything and he doesn't care how I feel one way or the other. Plain and simple.

My one continuing question and concern is I CAN'T SEEM TO GET AWAY FROM HIM AND STAY AWAY! I have tried therapy (am still in therapy), medication, cold turkey, you name it and nothing seems to work! I HATE living like this! I HATE who I have become and the continual stress and degradation I feel, the put downs, the "it's all your fault", the criticism, the depression. How can I finally break free? I have tried so many things! Some family members are fed up because they don't understand why I can't just up and walk away. Life is too short to live this way! I know in my mind he doesn't care, can't care, could care less, so why can't I leave?