No Contact Neosporin....aaaaaah

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#1 Nov 23 - 10AM

ReclaimingPower

No Contact Neosporin....aaaaaah

Last night I found myself sifting through Sam Vankin's videos and materials and came across the most empowering, smile provoking, and healing statement from him regarding No Contact that I wanted to share with you all. I think it is the closest I will ever come to a healthy payback/revenge that won't affect my karma but acts as Neosporin to my soul. Check it out == it might help others as well when we start feeling vulnerable and want to reach out and break No Contact:

"For the narcissist, to be abandoned means to be judged and found wanting. To be deserted means to be deemed replaceable. At its extreme, it can come to mean the emotional annihilation of the narcissist. He feels that when a woman leaves him she does so because there it is emotionally easy to get away from him and never to see him again. There is no problem to bid farewell to someone who just is not there (at least emotionally). The narcissist feels annulled, rendered transparent, abused, exploited, and objectified.

Put differently, the narcissist experiences through abandonment (even through the mere risk of abandonment) a re-enactment of the very mistreatment and abuses, which, earlier in his life, transformed him into the deformed creature that he is. He gets a taste of the medicine (rather poison) that he often ruthlessly administers to others. At the same time he relives his harrowing childhood experiences.

This mirror matrix of forces is too much for the narcissist to bear. He begins to disintegrate and veers into utter and complete dysfunction. At this late stage, he is likely to entertain suicidal ideation. An encounter with the opposite sex holds mortal risks for the narcissist - more ominous than the risks normally associated with it."

So, when you go NO CONTACT, you are in essence, abandoning them and not giving them a chance, a reason, an explanation, an opportunity, a foot in the door, a validation that they exist or that they even existed. They weren't who they claimed to be, so I refuse to acknowledge their existence at all. And so No Contact and my refusal to acknowledge their existence NOW my friends, is my own path to true FREEDOM.

I found such peace last night, pouring through Sam's videos one after the other and hearing him explain everything in straight, matter of fact ways. It took the sting out of so much -- here's his site in case you want to check it out as well. Peace and love to you all, and a Happy Thanksgiving to those in the States! xoxo

http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissismvideos.html

#2 Nov 23 - 11PM

IncognitoBurrito

Alright

So, I have to admit, he does know a thing or two, this Sam Vankin. Just don't tell him that.

#3 Nov 24 - 9AM (Reply to #38)

ReclaimingPower

LOL

Right?! I was thinking that this is a win/win situation. He gets the adoration/respect he needs as an N and we get the validation/knowledge we so need to be able to move on and heal. :)

#4 Nov 23 - 11PM

Gaia

good stuff!

thank you so much for sharing :) This is good stuff, I told narky pants, in front of a therapist ( that was the only place I felt i could express myself without the violence..he would NEVER get violent in front of the therapist- he had her heavily seduced) I told her and him, that as far as I was concerned, he didnt show me his true being, so he doesnt exist in my book anymore. He made no reaction what so ever. I am not sure if he is hurt, or suicidal, he seemed to be thrilled I left, as he pranced out the office smiling. Perhaps he had sufficient OW/ SUPPLY waiting. Either way, he is NOT my problem ANYMORE! AMEN! Love, SG

#5 Nov 24 - 9AM (Reply to #36)

ReclaimingPower

The most healing and powerful

The most healing and powerful words in your post: "he is NOT my problem ANYMORE". I second that AMEN! (((hugs)))

#6 Nov 23 - 9PM

Deidre40

I don't agree completely with

I don't agree completely with it, but the premise of the narc feeling abandonment and a feeling of worthlessness when we ignore them (go NC)...that I agree with. I don't believe narcissists will ever be suicidal. At best, they'll threaten it for supply/attention. But, they won't carry it through. Narcs don't commit suicide. They like to SEE with their eyes, the result of their nonsense. lol Hard to see when one is dead. ;) That said, I agree with everything else. Wise stuff...thanks for posting! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

#7 Nov 24 - 2PM (Reply to #33)

lillymarch

I agree! Mine had threatened

I agree! Mine had threatened suicide many times when I left him. At one point he attemted to stangle himself with a rope and then pass out. Before that, he'd carry a rope around when I would reiterate that the relationship was over. It was all for show and all threats. I even came on here, freaked out at one of the suicide threats. Everyone reassured me that he would be fine. Days later he shows up acting like nothing was said. Life is so much better without him! The drama was exhausting!

#8 Nov 24 - 2PM (Reply to #34)

blueworld

lillymarch

mine threatened suicide too, many times in the heat of a fight he would grab a knife from the chopping block and walked into the bathroom and turn the shower on locking the door i never was concerned he would do it i knew it was a tantrum but he has done it often and sometimes would say im going to kill myself so i can get away from you or i leave a note and tell my family why i killed myself and they will come after you he always said whats the point of living anymore he always did this for attention i never understood why that and after physcially hurting me sometimes he used my body to hurt himself like banged his head into my knees when i was on the ground or grabbed my clenched hands i had up to protect me to hit himself repeatedly. he got ..scary and i didnt know what to do i always blamed myself

#9 Nov 23 - 9PM

Sea

I really wished the ex narcky

I really wished the ex narcky is suffering this way for all the pain he inflicted on me and many others. Another part tells me maybe he is NOT because he has endless NS and OW. And also with that much NS, he simply cannot be bothered with what I did (NC and all). He can wipe my off his memory and press his own reset button and start writing his own history again that I never existed. He again managed to supressed his horror past and real self into deeeeep remission. So he is "happy" again. SV is an self aware narc. I think he refers to those narcs that have lost NS and no more OW. It still hasnt apply to that ex narky sicko of my past :(

#10 Nov 24 - 6AM (Reply to #30)

Hermes

NPD

I am afraid the expression "self-aware narc" is a contradiction in terms. LOL. The inner landscape of the NPD is unstable, full of fear and uncertainty. So, yes, the NPD is suffering, and has been no doubt since infancy. So, it is the other way round. Because of the disorder and the shattered inner being, the NPD inflicts, impersonally, pain on the "other". There is no need to hope that s/he is suffering, because that comes with the disorder. I might add, a disorder that the individual did not wish to have. Hermes

#11 Nov 24 - 8AM (Reply to #31)

Sea

Hermes - that narcky ex was

Hermes - that narcky ex was sooo proud of his disorder! he said it is the greatest asset any men could have cos he can go from woman to woman with zero attachment and zero pain when he moves on. He is forever busy chewing off his NS of endless stream of women.

#12 Nov 23 - 1PM

Hermes

Quite so

I believe SV was the one who coined the phrase, referring to NPD: "I hate to be loved, and I love to be hated". I think that sums it up. (When referring to BPDs, the phrase is: "I hate you; don't leave me". Kind of similar. Ten, going on eleven years ago, when there was little on the net or elsewhere re NPD, the only item I came across was SV's information on NPD, and his then site on Suite 101 (the site no longer exists). I remember so clearly being appalled to read this so accurate description of ex-NH, it was almost eerie, as if written EXACTLY about him. It has to be said I am not a huge SV fan, and the florid writing style can be hard going at times LOL. And then, of course, he is an N himself by his own admission, so one wonders....and he has done rather well out of the NPD retail business, for want of a better phrase. But, yes, he is right on the money most of the time. This phrase jumps out: "At the same time he (the NPD) relives his harrowing childhood experiences." When rejected, as in when we go NC, of course the NPD relives the rejecting and abusive experiences of his (or her) infancy. I don't think they are to be hated or abhorred. I feel immensely lucky I did not have the kind of childhood which would have ensured I had a personality disorder. Hermes

#13 Nov 25 - 10PM (Reply to #28)

Redhead1

Why do you think a nark would

Why do you think a nark would not commit suicide? If all NS was exhausted, what would be left for them? Would narc injuries not cause this? Is that more a BPD trait? I don't want to say much and cause any triggers for anyone. Asshole narcs are one thing, but a narc committing suicide just plays with my head a bit.

#14 Nov 23 - 2PM (Reply to #25)

ReclaimingPower

I think at some level, we all

I think at some level, we all fell in love with the little hurt boy/girl. I don't have it in me to hate/abhor. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I did. But it is an odd thought to think that they DO have that capacity towards us. And when I can't quite grasp or fathom the enormity of that undertaking, I think of Hitler. Surely, he was a Narc, surely he was injured and was a lost little boy -- but how can you turn away and still want to heal a man who is capable of so much soul destruction knowing what you know now. Some things are best NOT to analyze, but to embrace the learning and move on.

#15 Nov 24 - 7AM (Reply to #27)

Hermes

Reclaiming Power

I very much agree with you RP. Hatred, desire for "revenge", wishing ill, all of those are very negative and destructive emotions. And a waste of energy too. This subject is addressed very well IMO by Dr. Alice Miller www.alice-miller.com It is not our job to fix anyone. That is the job for the professionals. Hermes

#16 Nov 23 - 7PM (Reply to #26)

a65703

"I think at some level, we

"I think at some level, we all fell in love with the little hurt boy/girl." So true, you can see the little 5 year old in their dark, empty eyes. How can you not want to love the little child that you saw and nurture him/her? Unfortunately, it's a lost cause we all learn sooner or later. Ouch, I still feel the sting of the N's poison.

#17 Nov 23 - 1PM

blueworld

can you guys help

i need help understanding this please.

#18 Nov 23 - 1PM (Reply to #23)

Hunter

I think what he saying is

I think what he saying is they crave attention good or bad .. And when you shut them out with silence it hurts... They lost the control war.. these people suffer from a sever emotional struggle You need to truly understand they are very disturbed and the struggle. that said it can't be fixed.. My leg was badly burned from a motor cycle 30 yrs ago .. The scar will never fully heal.. The burn was too bad.. Get it!! Hunter

#19 Nov 23 - 12PM

adoette

Thanks, RP

This is great. Thanks for posting.

#20 Nov 23 - 12PM

blueworld

help

im having a crummy morning so this is probably why i am asking a dumb question but if i physically broke up with mine 7 weeks ago face to face we stayed in contact a few weeks after that becuase i sent him to another state then HE D&D'd me on the phone and after i texted emotional hateful shit Then immediatly sent a goodbye email and went NC to not give him a chance to respond in anyway does this article about me ignoring him and his existance effect him at all? in my personal situation? >.< so confused please help me understand if this applys

#21 Nov 23 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

Hunter

You are looking for answers

You are looking for answers you won't get them from an abuser., you will get silence.. You discovered his disorder and too many questions don't get answers with a narc.. It's his way or the highway., Hunter

#22 Nov 23 - 1PM (Reply to #20)

ReclaimingPower

The only answer is No

The only answer is No Contact. Sometimes it is so hard to accept something so simple. And yet, there it is. :(

#23 Nov 23 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

ReclaimingPower

blueworld

...it will. But it has to sink in. The pattern we have unknowningly set with them by trying to heal them (before we knew better) has to be broken. Before I realized what was going on, the push and pull, I would send a text or a question or a closure note to him weeks after each incident which I thought was for me, but which would just open my own wound again and open me up for the next devalue/dicard. I know NOW he simply saw it as victory -- any contact, ANY whatsoever, didn't matter what it said or for what purpose it served, equated in his mind as victory, control... When I finally held fast and refused to act, to acknowledge his existence in any way - to reach out, to respond, to even "see him," to resolve to not even provide the words "I have nothing to say." they experience the abandonment they felt as a child which initiated their intolerable and unacceptable behavior towards others today. In Spinning's N's case, he was given up for adoption and perhaps in his mind equated that to seeing his parents as disposing of him, rather than believing they could not give him a better life. They don't feel deserving of love, which is what they crave so endlessly but can never, ever accept and which when presented with, ABHOR the person who attempts to give it to them and so punish them -- punish US. Remember Pirates of the Caribbean? The pirates who would eat and drink but were never satisfied and yearned so much to be satisfied? That is what they are faced with when it comes to love. What an empty, horrible existence. But they will continue to pillage and destroy. Sam provides the most healing advice so eloquently. He said the only thing you can do is.....RUN. RUN now and heal. Save yourself. xoxo

#24 Nov 23 - 1PM (Reply to #15)

blueworld

RP

so even though i did it intially(broke up with him sent him to denver) then long distance we "worked it out"(bought a plane ticket for him to come home back to me) then he D&d'd me(over the phone three days before he was suppose to come) then I went NC(after stupid emotional responses to being d&d'd over the phone) it will affect him? sorry I am sincerely trying to understand

#25 Nov 23 - 1PM (Reply to #17)

ReclaimingPower

The only way it will affect

The only way it will affect him (and I say "affect him" loosely) is if you make this moment your awakening. This very moment is your opportunity to totally break free from him by truly embracing NO CONTACT. Affecting him will mean that it will temporarily take him to his knees, he will be shocked that you are not one of his minions that he can control, and it will give you time to heal and find true happiness and pull away from the web of mental anguish and disillusion. It is a powerful HYPNOTIC web that you need to distance yourself from and come back into your own power. The more power you have blueworld, the harder you have fallen so take heart -- this is why this is so hard. You have to fight now, you MUST. Look at the following and figure out where you are. From this point on: Stage 1: Do not send a text message. Do not call him. Do not write him. Stage 2: Do not respond to a text message he sends. Do not answer a phone call. Do not reply to an email. Stage 3: Do not read a text message he sends. Do not listen to a voicemail he leaves. Do not read a note he sends. Do not web surf for information on him. Stage 4: Block his number / Change your number. Block his email addresses / Change your Email address. Block sites where you are cyber stalking for info on him (there is a free plug in for blocking sites) Block from Facebook. Stage 5: Change your routine to NOT hang out in places where he knows you go. Distance yourself from mutual friends. Do NOT mention his name again to anyone (except on this site when you need to vent/release). Stage 6 -- helpful for me: Begin Therapy - KEY. Start research on Boundaries & Discovering Your Inner Child Think Back to what brought you joy when you were younger Look up old friends to reconnect Read, Read, Read Meditate Do NOT, Do NOT, Do NOT stay indoors all day every day. I think also B12 is key; I think the experience drains the nervous system and we need to rebuild it.

#26 Nov 23 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

blueworld

RP

thank you but i actually have done all this in sept living together caught him text cheating broke up with him sent him home to another state we continued to talk on phone he and i worked it out again and he was flying back on oct 11 days went by he was ignoring me i called oct 7th he D&D'd me on the phone, i responded like a physcho with my emotional pain and responses hung up after his hateful words destroyed me text him insanely then STOPPED sent a "your the one who was the dysfunction email" on oct 7th i made the choice for me after sending the goodbye to him email blocked him from emails cell phone deleted fb been no contact since the 7th of october i was just asking if it would apply to me, the article

#27 Nov 23 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

Sparrow

NEVER apologize.........I

NEVER apologize.........I sent my response by PM.

#28 Nov 23 - 11AM

Sparrow

Sam is cool. Don't care what

Sam is cool. Don't care what anyone says, he rocks! Glad you found solace with him. You will learn so much from him, as I did and many others did. Happy holidays to you too!

#29 Nov 23 - 11AM

Hunter

Sam was and is my saving

Sam was and is my saving grace!! Hunter

#30 Nov 23 - 11AM

spinning

Reclaiming, I have proof Sam is telling the truth...

When I read this something clicked. I had to go out to my car to get my writing journal from a year ago, where I wrote down the series of text messages I received from Freak Boy during a silent treatment he was giving me when he decided to try to test the waters again...note how he is attempting to be honest, but blaming ME of course... These were sent on Nov. 3, 2010. #1 "It's not that I am angry. You hurt me to the point that I become hysterical with grief. I run away and then I have to re-live the horror of all my pain...failure..." #2 "...the loss, it puts me on my knees and then I weep and weep. I feel alone and scared and empty. I am so sad..." I woke up to find these on my phone after a ten day freeze out. He had bolted because I told him I was unhappy about something I did (see blog 'out of options') and this was his "hoover," I suppose. Here's what I wrote in my journal when I read these... "I was surprised this a.m. to get these messages but am still confused. He will likely keep me stringing along...this is the closest to the truth of himself I've ever seen him get. "I'm not as frantic as when we don't communicate...but am so confused. I have to shift the focus onto me but do not know how to begin..." So here it is, brothers and sisters in strength and healing. Sam is telling the truth about their 'abandoment issues.' Freak boy was adopted at age 5... Most sincerely, (not) spinning. BECAUSE I WENT NO CONTACT FOR GOOD!

spinning

#31 Nov 23 - 11AM (Reply to #10)

ReclaimingPower

The sad thing is, humans

The sad thing is, humans would use this knowledge/pain as a catalyst for healing and growth. Narcs simply make it about them, scatter and freak, and if they can't bring you back into the fold to make their pain and abandonment fears die down (until they devalue/dicard you again), then they rush out to find more supply to make them feel better about themselves. Since I went No Contact, went into a depression and started to come out of it slowly after learning about Narcissism, his actions escalated and became chaotic. I sat back and watched silently with new eyes (it was horrifying yet gratifying to finally SEE the truth). I finally got to the point this week where I am no longer interested in watching/ cyber stalking. Hunter is right - contact of any kind is pain, and I deserve more. So I chose me and blocked, blocked, blocked. This site, all of you and the education on this has really helped me so much. Time and rewiring with new activities and new friends has to handle the rest... There's a new, happy life for all of us just around the corner...actually right here. We just have to choose it.

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