What the H#@! & Groundhog Day

What the bloody (I love you Brits, I'm gonna steal that today, k?) hell!?!?

I swear to God that last night and today have been all like day fucking ONE all over again!

Saturday night friends were driving and drove down a main road I now usually avoid, where OW-now-NW lives two doors down from the corner. I saw HIS car which Mommy Dearest is driving now, and know it's visiting day so I get all in my head about Mommy Dearest, the kids, and OW all driving up like a happy family to go visit daddy.

And off my head went.
But not too bad.

Most of yesterday, I wasn't in Narcville in my head at all. And then WHAMMO

All of a sudden, it's there. And the spinning starts -- and I wake up with it even! I went to yoga, it calmed down a bit and then came roaring back.

And it's all this shit.

And it's surrounding MY crazy-ass behavior!

Because he called me crazy. And he was fucking right!

I did drive-bys. The first time he went back to baby mama, he sent me a text saying he was going back and they were going to try to work it out.

No conversation. Nothing. And let me tell you I texted and called the hell out of that fucker. And so I told him I would GO OVER there. I warned him. I told him how long he had to talk to me. (I was drunk off my ass by the way.) I got drunker and drunker and more and more pissed until the time came and yep......I went.

I am MORTIFIED by that!

After that, he would come back but he would say we didn't have a future because I was crazy. He would D&D and I'd flip out and beg and all that shit and I ACTED like a CRAZY woman!

So I look at that and think it was all fine (not really but at least not AS crazy and wasn't abusive yet).......and think.....

Maybe it IS me

Maybe he's not disordered. Sure. He's fucked up. He's an alcoholic and addict with four kids with two baby mamas and he never works and doesn't pay child support and cheated his way through what little school he went through. And sure, he would fuck a squirrel and yeah, he was abusive and all that shit.

But maybe he's not when he's not using and drinking.

And maybe the OW really IS a better person than I am like he said. And so maybe, since after only three weeks together she's STILL going to visit him six months later (seriously?!?!?! REAL relationships should have trouble withstanding six months!!)

BUT....here I am too!
Sitting here this much later spinning and trying to heal and move the fuck on

And the SCARIEST part is.....if he was ABLE to knock on my door this morning? I may well have let the bastard in. (Only for a minute though. I probably would have kicked his ass right back out because I REALLY don't want to deal with his bullshit -- disordered or not.)

But I keep thinking it was ME -- he was right, I acted like a lunatic and therefore, it was me who was crazy and he loved her and the OW and he's probably in jail getting all sober and healthy and .... the whole nine yards.

It's ridiculous.

It's seriously ridiculous.

NO ONE in the real world except the OW-now-NW and his Mommy thinks he's ANYTHING but crazy. No one sticks around him all that long because of it. And no one thinks he's gonna get or stay sober.

And even when I KNOW all that I know.....what the hell is wrong with ME that I would spin LIKE THIS?

I thought I'd gotten farther along than this.

I'm getting ice cream.
Right this fucking second.

Any ideas?

Grace