When tempted to break NC, what do you tell yourself?

Interesting...Last night I had a dream where I was reaching for the phone to try and contact him, and I stopped myself immediately and asked myself what I hoped to gain. I had this back and forth with myself about just wanting to know what the hell happened. I had no desire to be with him, correspond with him...I am just curious at this point. In the dream, I came to the conclusion, (as I would in real life) that it would be a useless endeavor, an elaborate exercise of narc diverting blame to me. I realize from being on this site for the last few months, that it's what they do best. So, although it was exquisitely painful at first, no contact is the best defense as they will only ever give you "satisfaction" on their terms. As Hunter says, it's all scrambled eggs from them, anyway. You want to to go to a fine restaurant and slowly dine on a solid meal of closure so you can be released in a way that apportions blame in a fair and rational way. You seat yourself in the elegance of your own reason and along comes the moral chimp of a waiter who throws your meal at you from across the room. And guess who ends up with egg on their face? Yep. So-- F**k 'em!

He might be nice and I'll feel sad (because I'll miss the nice guy). He might be cold and I'll feel sad (because it will prove he doesn't care about how I feel). He might be evasive and I'll feel anxious (because I'd be suspicious of what he isn't telling me). He might talk about all the 'wonderful' things he's up to and I'll feel discarded (because I'm no longer wanted by him to be a part of these things). He might tell me he still cares and I'll feel conflicted (I can't risk doubting that I'm better off without him). If I ask him anything I know he'd just as easily lie rather than be honest. If I cry and tell him I miss or still love him he might discount my feelings and tell me I'm "living in the past and need to move on" (as he did the last time I said those words). If I tell him I am over him and moving on he might say that's great and need to get off the phone (reminding me once again, how little he REALLY cares WHAT I feel or HOW I'm doing). When it comes down to it, nothing about contacting him benefits me in any way... so I don't. Life is too short to give him the power to hurt me in any way, any more. Journey on...

I feel dignified now in my 10 weeks of NC. I feel empowered. I feel like I have made him squirm. I feel like I am the one in control. I feel like I have taken myself back... Breaking NC would make me lose all dignity. This is exactly what it would say to him: "I can behave any way with her and she will always come back." That thought makes me SICK and I will never ever give him that ability to have that thought again. I am done...I have myself back...and he can go Fuck Himself.

I have not yet mastered my Lady GaGa-impersonating-Madonna in a "Bored this way" parody. I'd have to sound like Stefani Germanotta, wearer of Kermit and meat dresses, NYC performance artist, and NOT like myself. As Christina Aguilera would say "Not myself tonight." I'd have to sound like Mother Monster.

I don't ever think of contacting him via text or calling him...EVER! I'm way beyond that stage and for THAT I'm grateful! However, looking at his FB page is something that does sneak into my head every now and again...but thankfully I've been strong enough to not do it for almost three weeks now :). What do I think of to keep me strong and from contacting him? I think of him describing himself as a "knight and shining armour" to women, LMFAO!I don't see a "knight and shining armour", I think of a big piece of shit wearing a Glad trash bag. The trash bag has cut out's for the arms and head and he isn't riding in a nice car or a horse...instead, he's riding a Big Wheel tricycle! As everyone on this forum has said in one way or another, these assholes are all about the smoke and mirrors...image. Nothing more. So beautiful ladies, happy Friday! These men are nothing special...they only wish they were. Lots of Hugs, TovaBella

I looked at a forum he post on. We are completely over but I wanted to see as he had lied to me that he never was going there anymore and low and behold jacknut was posting in the afternoon- who still probably does not have a Job was posting. I tell myself lots of things. Here is a sampling- Humiliation is not a pretty color on me. Fccknut wil always be this way. I am too old to raise a child. Why would I want to contact him- so he can come back and funkify my house again. Black hole man. Downer boy. King of the homos. Gay fccktard. Masterbation suckboy. I have all kinds of names for him.

him saying, "I only call you when I'm really really horny." Works like a charm. Just remember the most vile thing they ever said or did to you and think If you contact them it will be something even worse.

I think how it would just be a waste of time and energy. I'll think of something I want to tell him, and then I'll remember that I already did! I'd just be repeating myself and no good would come of it. He'd just ignore me. Nothing will change. Waste of time! There's nothing left to say, and I have no further interest in talking withb him anyway!

Right now I'm telling myself what a sad, pathetic, desperate-for-validation loser he is. He's hoovering AGAIN. I mean, seriously, does he not see how childish and sad it is? Is it supposed to bother me? It just makes him look needy and disturbed.

This is what keeps me NC! Pathalogical Liar Mind Games, triagulation, control by proxy I don't want to put him back in control of my life All the OW's numbers in his phone... As well as all the text messages to the OW's (the exact same things that he said to me) I owe my husband a second chance He wants to destroy me! My life is worth living for and with him it will be pure hell... Scraps is all I will ever get now!!! I deserve better!!! And, I told him he will never touch me again!!! I am good on my words... Unlike him.... DAZED AND CONFUSED TODAY AND IT SUCKS!!!

I remind myself that my instincts told me he was lying right from the start. When I get nostalgic I just ask myself- how could you go back when deep down you just don't trust him?

I tend to go over a timeline of what happened, and remind myself of how it turned from something so good to something so nightmarish. That's why I'm able to summarise it so briefly by now!

"Scrambled Eggs" Or the " Black Hole"

These days no-contact has been easy because when i think about breaking NC i become physicaly sick to my stomach. That definitely helps! I believe i have also thought "no good can come of it", as well as "I am not giving in and giving him that power again."

I have a running list of all the things he has done and/or said to me over the years. It's a mighty long list. I am at a place in my heart where I do not want any contact with him whatsoever but early on I had moments, we all do. And there were times I HAD to speak with him, and I only did that though email, as the issues had to do with logistic/legal matters as we are married. So there was no getting around that, but to "talk" to him on a relationship level? Hell no, he can swim in the fires of Hades for all I care. My list was very theraputic for me to write, and I add to it as things come up in my head. I list what he did, and how it made me feel....to get it all out on paper helps to clear my head, and makes it a complete reality to me, not a misunderstanding as he would have me see it. Good question you wrote today, and very helpful for all of us to discuss ways to work in a positive direction toward our hope and healing. love~ Layla