I'd ask my ex-P about his tastes. It got nowhere, other than "The Simpsons" and the Terminator. My junior year was spent mostly gabbing about movies seen over the weekend. He claimed to like art films, such as "Shakespeare in Love" (he ended up teaching an unpopular class on the sonnets the following year, because apparently the main activity was wine drinking instead of discussion) The one I believe however is "The Spanish Prisoner"... a David Mamet film about con games. I think he also liked "House of Games",another Mamet movie about con artists. How fitting.
My ex-P reliably shut down whenever I asked him about himself. He was like a computer going into screen saver mode. Except screen savers are more interesting. If I showed interest in HIS interests (like Wittgenstein),he'd get incredibly dismissive.
It's a shame when you can't hold a coherent philosophical dialogue with a philosopher... or a wannabe one in this case.
on your boat! And the fun part is making it the way you want it, or should be. I've had the same problem, anything I'd look at would be evaluated not on what I liked but what the exN might like. Because if he didn't there was all the passive aggression or covert disapproval.
For a while it just took me a little longer to choose things is all, and that improved over time. I had to be patient and listen--first his opinion came up, then I mentally scratched over that with a big black pen and started over.
It also helped to write down lists of things I like or don't like, from food to clothes to hairstyles to movies to books. And another list of what I don't like.
I moved into my own place earlier this year and had a ball setting it up, once I got that voice out of my head. I don't give a s**t if something isn't cool, isn't fashionable, isn't "the best". I have an eclectic mix of things I like and I'm the only one who has to like it.
Hang in there, soon enough you'll be happily adorning your place with things you love.
" anything I'd look at would be evaluated not on what I liked but what the exN might like."
Same here! Every article of clothing, down to the underwear! It's crazy - but it is part of the gaslighting process I think. The like to make us dependent on them for everything. :(
Congratulations on the boat, that is such a positive act for moving on,and I can sense your joy in it from here. As for being indecisive, it is something I always struggled with, but learned to manage it by always going with how something feels to me. Using this approach really does work for me and makes me much more decisive.
My exN was doing the same things. When I was eating something, he was telling me: you'll eat all that? I didn't know you can eat such a big portion. How can you drink that?
You come a cropper all the time, honey.
Your nails are strange.
How can you watch that?
When I was angry because of his comments, he looked satisfied and was telling me: it was just a joke. I'm joking. If you want me to stop, just tell me.It's only my sense of humor.When I wasn't angry, he was asking: why aren't you mad. I like so much when you get mad.
When I went NC one of the most horrible things was that I didn't even know who I am and what I like. sometimes I still don't know it. I was listening to the radio station which he liked. He was claiming to likejazz and rock but he didn't know the most famous jazz and rock songs. One day I went to the bookstore to choose a book for me and I bought a book of his favourite author. I even started reading it but I stopped completely terrified.
There is also one thing. I don't know if it hapenned to you or not. When I met him I loved many things: I was keen on cinema, film festivals, dance classes and he took it from me.He knew nothing about it and as I loved him I wanted to show him the things I liked.I remember that I wanted to go with him to the dance classes in couples. He went on his own.Without me.When I told him how I felt because of that, he was furious.
It's been a year since I've seen him the last time and I still can't start my dance classes.
Patronizing
Congrats
Same here
Scoop
Nevergoback
it's so strange