I was gonna say "Oh but it IS us" but you're right, we are dealing with a lot more than just "beliefs". We are dealing with biological stuff in our brains, with how easily our thinking fries out when we are stressed beyond belief. We can't be perfectly logical and clear all the time, especially when there is a Narc in your bed. It has an effect on you, a big one.
This is what I think (and then I gotta get on the road and get to work). While it's not just US, it's still completely and totally UP to US to learn and grow and change our deep seated beliefs. Also, to learn to manage our bodies, avoid contact with the Narc that gets us so fired up/upset.
No one else is gonna do it. The world won't change for our sake, and it shouldn't.
So we are left with the bag. But that's OK, because that's were we have real power. I'm not just saying that because I've heard it, I'm saying that because it has happened and is happening to me.
Your story of the frog is perfect. Poor little thing, you want to pick it up and put her in the bushes. But that's how broken down we get, due to our beliefs, our hormones and the constant abuse :(
yes I guess it is us...
WE DO have power.
I really knwo that now...
there came a point where I was able to stop having 'break up' sex with my ex.
I found that the pain that ensued after the act was so deeply disturbing and he was even more hideous after wards...
The more power I gave away to him sexually, the more he stamped down hard on my emotions and feelings... It was truly so destablising.
I realised that the hairy fairy blurred boundaries I was putting out was so crippling...
Being very straight about that was a very big turning point...
And.. the other day I felt the old 'draw' the need to touch him, to kiss him...
It shook me becasue it had been a while for me.. because I had been filled with hate and anger for him... but there it was...
BUT.... I internalised the feelings, assimilated the information my body/mind was putting out and then I had time and space to work on the feelings...
I was the one winnign back the power becasue I could think before I leapt for a change..
The empowerment comes each day from the longer I maintain that very definte level of dictance between us.
I refuse to just freeze like a little wet frog terrified in a state of extreme fear...
this is helpful to read because mine refused me break up sex and i felt so jealous of the women who's N's used them for anything. mine wante dnothing to do with me in any real way... i guess i was lucky then...
Ewwwwwww!!!
Break up sex? That's not something I've ever done. I don't think so anyway.
Talk about SCRAPS, PEOPLE!! Throw the dog a bone!! (lol, pun intended :D ).
Break up sex sounds so . . . demeaning. Like you are just some piece of meat. Do you get a prize or something afterward? A take home consolation prize? You both get off . . . (hopefully) and then . . . ??
It sounds to me like tieing yourself to his bumper and getting dragged down the road just so you don't have to really let go of him.
u were in that instance... definitly... It suks... BAD
My ex-ex narc (before my husband) had "break up" sex (on and off according to his whim) with me for 3-4 years... I spent 7 years with him, 7 wasted years and then I spent the rest of that decade still scratching on the floor for his 'scraps'...
I can remember I did this over and over... I still loved him, I still adored him, and he was with his new woman that he dumped me for.. but one night about 5 years later, he rang my door bell in the middle of the night.. I lived in a flat and couldn't see who it was..AS it was late and I didn't know, I didn't open the door... I didn't know till much later his then girl friend told me that they had, had a massive row, and he had disapeared in the middle of the night... I peiced it togther...
At a party, I saw him few weeks halter. We were in a kitchen getting wine togther, I turned to him and faced him and said, 'I saw you the other night, outside my hosue'' I didnt let you in becasue you cant just come in anymore' and I walked away...
I enjoyed making him think I had rejected him....
In truth, i was gutted that I didn't open the door. I kicked my self over and over for not opening the door to find him there. the man I loved so deeply and thought I needed so much...
Today, I know it was God's grace that I stopped me from calling out, 'whose there?'
Ekse he would have started that game again...
YES Fieflie, you are lucky not to go trhough it, its a ghastly 'hanging on' disempowered state of nothingness.
I wonder if part of it doesn't have to do with OUR ISSUES, such as low self esteem, i know i have suffered from that issue all my life,not feeling attractive enough for the men I want to notice me, whatever, and then as you say, we dig ourselves deeper and deeper into a hole, grateful for a little crumb, I know many women would have never put up with the abuse I did from that man and maybe it all goes back to self esteem and what we think of ourselves, besides still being a mans world, like it or not, i may get some flack for saying this, but it is how i feel..................it was so ingrained in society of generation or two ago, that you are nothing without a man, remember that thinking at all or know someone who does???
I couldn't agree more. It's got to be something inside of us. Something really deep seated, that we aren't exactly aware of.
For myself, I had this sense that I had to almost apologize for taking up any space in the world at all. If someone was nice to me, or noticed me, I was grateful beyond belief.
I think it is because waaayyyy down deep inside, there is a belief about myself. That there is something low class about me. That my worth as a person was somehow "less" than other people. Yeah, a lot of it was about my "looks". That preoccupied me in my twenties, even my thirties, but you lose your "looks", hey? We're all gonna end up wrinkly and saggy and hoping our grandchildren will call or drop by LOL.
I think it's a lot more than looks, because if I go by the avatars on this board, I am surrounded by serious BABES!
It's got to be a belief we have about ourselves. A wrong belief. We've all believed things that ended up not being true (we believed our Narcs, didn't we?).
I was gonna say "Oh but it
yes I guess it is us... WE
this is helpful to read
Ewwwwwww!!! Break up sex?
u were in that instance... definitly... It suks... BAD
Good topic
I couldn't agree more. It's