I'm back in therapy, and it helps.
Once I move to CA, I'll definitely take out a lot of self-help books from the local library.
I know I need to focus on myself right now.
I was celibate for almost 4 years prior to most recent ex-N.
I have no desire to seek a relationship with a man...for a long time.
I feel like my main focus is what you said - learning how to love myself and make myself a priority.
You don't need to learn how to make it easier for narcs to stay with you... that is what I thought for awhile too because my self esteem had plummeted from the rejection.
We need to learn instead how to make them leave sooner and how to avoid any in the future.
Aha. I think that's what I've had reversed in my mind. How I could've made the relationship last. How I could've maintained the relationship.
I have to remember what I posted in another thread - that most recent ex-N is only a higher functioning version of my mother.
And why would I want to prolong a relationship with her...or anyone like her?
I have so much self-esteem building to do, it's not even funny. Ugh.
Thanks as always, Journey.
Hugs,
Leah
I agree with Michele too....thing is, it doesn't matter what we do with or for these narcs, the outcome is ALWAYS the same. I stood up to mine and told him his behaviour with me was unacceptable and he still cheated, lied, sent disgusting pictures and videos to strange women.
Sometimes I thought if I'd just not been so confrontational with him, he may not have turned on me. Not true, they're true selves always emerge no matter our good points or weak points.
A real man will want to work with you and love all of you, no matter the things you think are wrong with you. He won't cheat, lie or walk away from you without a word.
You must remember though, you didn't do anything wrong...period!!! He took full advantage of you as they all do and you are incredibly strong and no, he wouldn't have reacted any differently had you showed him more strength - you're right, he'll never give you validation because he doesn't understand how much he hurt you, you can only get that from you and I suspect in your heart of hearts, you know just how strong you are.....AND YOU ARE!!!!!!
You don't need to worry about if he would have changed - they never do, unable to acknowledge they're disordered. They have to accept they're at fault before they can honestly change and lying is their daily mantra, so how can he be different?
Even if he gave you validation, would you believe him? I know I didn't believe mine when he told me he still loved me and was truly sorry...a few emails before that he said he never technically cheated and I was the reason he did it ....makes no sense, they just quote lines and never really feel it...my point is, even though some people would say he validated my feelings, he really didn't because he didn't understand them - if he did and knew what love was, he never would have done terrible things to me in the first place. I hope this makes sense...you are understood here by all of us and we all truly care about you...yes the road is long, but your victory will come and you will be a new stronger and wiser woman....a gift.... xx Hang in there, one step at a time...xxx
to knock some sense into me. All of you are really patient with my thick skull.
This is so much about my self-esteem issues...planted by BPD mom & enabling dad.
That's the only way I can understand why I've let this man break my heart so badly.
All of you have reminded me that even if I had acted 'stronger' it wouldn't have changed who he is, or his behavior. The end result would've been the same, yes?
He's disordered. Just like my mom. And he can't do anything differently than what he does.
When will that sink into my thick head...
Hugs,
Leah
Go easy on yourself, it takes time...I wasn't affected by disordered parents so I'm in a slightly different situation....never doubt your strength, you have a lot of work to do but you're doing it, all the questions and thoughts....you're on the right track I promise.
We're talking about life long thoughts here, not just one crazy person, you've been dealing with this all your life, so it's normal you would feel this way - in this situation - it's so hard to re-train your whole way of thinking, it's huge but you you will get there.
And yes, it wouldn't have mattered if you'd been the most wonderful woman in the world with NO flaws, his disorder would have found flaws with that too...they are always looking for more supply, with or without us because in order for them to love only one person, would mean having to trust one person not to leave them - impossible, they lie so they expect everyone else to. They have so many women going at once as a safeguard so that when one women realises what he is, he has others to admire him still and he's not alone.
As hard as all this is to understand, try to remember, even though it doesn't feel like it..it wasn't personal, not to any of us. This is their behaviour and who they are - they do it to everyone in their lives because to them, we are only objects.
We see the real and valuable you...he never can...xxx
Thanks again, Journey
Leah
Scotchy, thanks for trying
Leah