Getting some of this out

How sick do you have to be to lie to somebody in order to win their heart, their everything, and then get off on letting them fall as hard as they can. To not be kidding, but seriously be this person. not a joke. To watch their confusion, fuel it, and then ignore their pleas for clarity. To rage at their attempts at clarity. To try everything to get them back, while pretty much with someone else, just to play her off the other one. And then when she tries to put two and two together, is confused and desperately tries to confront it, to tell her she's losing her grip...and after a while, to neither rage nor directly imply that she's crazy, but to tell her she needs help. And advise her that she should find a nice guy and move on.

How sick do you have to be to never hurt at the pain you've caused them. To apologize for it and do the same thing again. To apologize in Order to have the opportunity to do it again. To court in order to more deeply screw them over, and of course punish them with greater callous cruelty, for the times they tried to protect themselves by staying away from you. Teach them a lesson, because you'll have ample opportunity when they're vulnerable again, to be nonchalantly vindictive. To make them think it's all the same, that she's done to u the same things you've done to or are now doing to her...

To make her believe that things are her fault. I still can't believe what a good job he did in making me constantly doubt myself, constantly focus on the last thing he said, did or implied, and just obsess about it. I can't believe how he spun things and really made me believe his bs. I truly did. Despite facts and what's been obvious to others, I've still said how "honest" and "humble" and "normal" and "real" he was, and how we just had a connection. It's obviously this 'connection' that I internalized that has me fighting back tears when certain songs come on the radio.

But to know it meant nothing to him? To know it was part of a sick plan? I can't believe he put the energy and time in to just screw me over. I did so much of his job for him. When he wasn't there, I constantly analyzed and continued his work for him...doubting myself, focusing on him, and continuing the madness. How sick is it to specialize in so subtly breaking someone down...so subtly that they have to remember (oh they FEEL it, the scars, but they have to actually try to Remember factually...) "what is it that he did to me that was so bad again??"...

It's sick to think he was always and only trying to break me down. I still can't wrap my brain around it. That it wasn't primarily about love, with some manipulation. But that it's only purpose was to destroy. with lies, lies, falsehoods, and more lies. Lies that I built my feelings on, my false sense of reality on, and that he tailor-made for me. It makes me so Angry. It was like a playground for him, my feelings, when to me they were REAL. I still can't understand how someone can't hurt when knowing you so intimately, knowing how important they are to you, and hurting and mentally tormenting you in the precise ways that will bring you down. And then to look at them, to calculate that they're useless to you at the moment, and just add more craziness so that they have no choice but to leave. And to just proceed with your 'new life.'

And to tell them it just didn't work out. When all along you've charmed and then pushed away, made them think they're your life but made them believe it's cuz of something they're doing wrong or lacking that it didn't work...and tried to get them back, every time they leave, just cuz the torment ends only when YOU say it does. a hole. Seriously, I don't even know if I want to Understand why. It hurts my mind and heart when I try to conceptualize the 'how' of someone doing that to someone else. I try to think that heartlessly just to understand it, and it feels too awful to even continue trying to 'get it', because it's so far removed from anything that makes sense to me. I used to suffer because things weren't 'right' and they felt wrong and cuz HE was doing this, or saying that. I thought the problem was that he BELIEVED these things he was saying, and I would try to work through his worldview and view of our relationship.

Now, to know that the things he was saying were just a function of how to best manipulate me...I hate him for using me against myself. a subtle, emotionally relentless predator. You can't be human and do this at the same time.