You know, I never really understood the meaning of bitter-sweet until the N of my past came back. And yes, experiencing the intensity of that youthful relationship again has probably been one of the most profound experiences of my life. Very strange to feel 15 or 16 again on the inside! Even though I have been happily married to another for 30 years,the N also believes on some level that I am still his, and in a way he is right. There is a part of my heart that will always belong to him. It is what it is. I doubt that I ever could have lived happily with him, or married to him. I know that I could not have. I think of him as "a very nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there". However, he "lives" in my brain, much more than I would like (his tent must be pitched there!) Thanks for understanding.
Have you read any of Nancy Kalish's research on lost loves?
She is the expert in this area. Check her out.
Your post rings very true with me though when he returned I found myself feeling vey thankful that I had not married him. I could tell straight away that he could never be happy with one woman long-term. He is the kind of man who would always be looking over your shoulder.
When we reconnected, I found his early texts/emails a bit scary because of their insistence that I was part of him. He used just those words but I can see that some of that is true. The relationships we have when we are young help us to make choices later- what we want... and don't want, so they do remain with us.
He is very good with words. I am haunted by some of the things he has said. I doubt I shall ever hear such things again but I have to accept that he knows how to flatter a woman and his words were ultimately a means to an end.
I will certainly be checking out Nancy Kalish- thanks.
This is classic. You were always his. 20 years ago he told my friend she's mine and I will come back and get her when I want her. He also saw picture on fb with my family and said sick of it I see those pictures and think that's my family. I loved her first. Just like a toddler. He made a point this times to say he would always love anf that he would love me for the rest of his life no matter how it all turned out. I want to say really? Is that why you have read my txts for the last five months seeing that I have been in gut wrenching and just pretending I don't exist. Yeah you really love me whatever! My guess is he will surface again years from now with a sob story about how he couldn't break up my family and it just got too painful for him ba blah blah! All lies the fact is he just got bored as I am too much work being married and 300 miles away
I reccomend both of you google trauma bonds and repetition compulsion complex that results from trauma bonds. Read extensively about this. It will provide many answers. There is a great book that I have only read parts of called betrayal bond by patrick carnes. You can read excerpts on amazon. I also reccomend that you read Shari Schreibers stuff. She has a website with great articles some of which have been posted here.
I will try to find some helpful articles but it is hard for me in that I have my mom at my house all week watching my child for spring break so its difficult with her there. She would absolutely freak if she knew ihad gotten mixed up with him again
Sick of it- I will try to read some of that material. I also
appreciate the input. The return of the lost love is tricky stuff...thanks for being there... dupedx2
I reccomend both of you google trauma bonds and repetition compulsion complex that results from trauma bonds. Read extensively about this. It will provide many answers. There is a great book that I have only read parts of called betrayal bond by patrick carnes. You can read excerpts on amazon. I also reccomend that you read Shari Schreibers stuff. She has a website with great articles some of which have been posted here.
I will try to find some helpful articles but it is hard for me in that I have my mom at my house all week watching my child for spring break so its difficult with her there. She would absolutely freak if she knew ihad gotten mixed up with him again
I don't know how to explain to other but there is some added internal conflict when you have had a relationship with them at a much younger age that was extremely volatile and then waltz back into your life all these years later claiming that they always loved you and want to try and make a life with you. I really ignites the previous trauma and add in that I'm married and you have a bad bad situation
My situation was really complicated. He went to a lot of trouble to track me down. I tried hard to play it cool and not get involved. He had hurt me badly before. But sure enough, before long I found myself completely taken over. It's like 0-100 in a few days.
I am wondering if their motivation to find us again is curiosity about how our lives turned out or anger at the fact that we have managed without them and a desire to hurt us again. Now, I don't think he really meant the promises he made- that he wanted a life with me in the future.
I am married too and his return caused chaos. I nearly gave up everything.
Well in my case, I found him on FB. We both got on facebook within 10 days of eachother. I had always been curious as to what became of him. I figured I would find him married with children. He responded to my friend request at 2:45 in the morning with "I could never forget you". I really had no intention of getting romantically involved but he began a slow methodical seduction and within about a month or month and half he hooked and by 8 weeks of talking thru fb came to see me. It was all like something out of romance novel when I met him at the airport. He hugged me so tenderly for about 5 or 10 minutes and he didnt say a word. People were staring and it began to rain on us. He said this is kind of emotional and before I knew in the weeks that followed we were discussing my divorcing and where we were gonna live and how we were gonna work things out and well you know the rest...
It's scary how fast everything can change with contact in an instant. It has me very fearful and I won't contact him. They are just hurtful and in it for themselves only.
Hello Bitter-sweet
For dupedx2
This is classic. You were
I reccomend both of you
Thanks
I reccomend both of you
Thanks
bitter sweet
SOI
Well in my case, I found him
SOI