I know I will never see or talk to him again, BUT

Now that exN moved, now that I have been NC. Now that I know he was bothered by my blocking him and he knows I mean "business". Now I realize he is not in my future, has no bearing on my life, unless I keep his memory alive. Blah blah...

I have made such an idiot of myself with him. I have never ever acted so desperate, immature, pathetic, untrue to me as I did with exN. I am in my forties, have a full life, have H, kids, family and friends who love me, I have a great paying job, I have many hobbies and interests, attractive, funny,
I know this sounds like a match .com thing, lol, but there is a point here.

I have a very strong desire for days now, to send him a long long email explaining my actions, that I had PTSD because I miscarried his child and how he cheated on me. I want to explain that my actions were normal for being D & D by someone with his " personality". I want to explain his NPD to him. Not in a mean way. I want him to know I know he never cared for me. I want him to know it was never the real him I desired. It was the fake him that is/ was my weakness. I want him to know I know the real him, the one he is trying to hide.

I am having CD, thinking of him with OW. Wondering why he moved...is he running from someone, did he meet OW and moved to be with OW? And if so, I am thinking how much fun they having together. And here's the hard part, he not even giving me a second thought. He NOT thinking of me at all. I mean nothing to him.

When will this go away? I am wasting too much time on a total stranger really. I know more about the school crossing guard than I do my exN. Lol

I also realize, and this is scary, that I envy him. WHAT? I wish I could turn my feelings off. I envy his lifestyle that he is like a gypsy, flitting from person to person, with no responsibility. I am going thru mid life crisis. I don't want to be married anymore. I know I can do it on 'my own. My H stresses me out. He is Nish too. He is good man. But I am tired of cow towing to him. But I have young kids and I could never split from their dad. I justify that my unhappiness is my cross to bear for my deceitful ways. I am making the best of it. My kids are happy. My H thinks I just stressed with work. I have become very good at putting on a smile and acting as if all ok.

So back to me wanting to email him. Tell me why, again. Why I should not? Thanks.