As Brie said, it, to stop telling me "but he is so busy trying to feed the family, so he is not THAT bad", I also would tell her to keep the children away from him as much as possible.
I also would tell her, that it is important to tell us that he is not capable of love, that it is not our fault he behaves that way, and that what he displays is NOT love. I would tell her to not rationalize, apologize, justify his behaviour, like he is like this, he had a bad childhood, and he tried his best...a child is overwhelmes with that, the natural reaction would be getting angry at him, instead the child now tries to understand him as a small psychologist and gets a distorted image of what it means to be in a family, as if abuse is normal, we have to love each other anyway cause its bonded in blood and all those BS.
All this will cause the damage and distortion that later on will make it hard for the adult child to listen to her own voice and knowing what is right and what not.
I think your father issue and my teacher issue intersect. Teachers and parents are in positions of TRUST. We expect them to fulfill their duties, to care for those who are in their trust. In a way, it's like incest without being sexual.
"How can he hate me so much. Feeling abandoned, feeling alone, being condemned, being not good enough"-I've asked myself the same questions. I was a student... a student grieving her grandfather, and he'd fantasize to his male disciples how he wished I'd drop dead, then fantasize to me about me committing suicide (yes, anger can keep you alive-as Briseis has said, being alive beats any complicated revenge plot)
The ex-Psych professor would quote a scene in "War and Peace" where Prince Andrei dismisses women as "nothing" and that they're trivial and silly. He resents marriage for having putting shackles on his freedom. When he comes to Princess Anna's ball, he finds EVERYONE boring-and the person he finds the most boring is his pregnant wife. It's no wonder his wife Lisa says "He thinks only of himself." At least I can read Prince Andrei's misogynistic tirade without bursting into tears.
The ex-P looooved how abandonment is a frequent topic in "War and Peace"
1)His favorite character is General Kutzov, who constantly retreats from confronting Napoleon in battle, hoping to tire Napoleon out. He compared himself to Kutzov and said I was like Napoleon.
2)Napoleon repeatedly abandons his army--in the end, it does have consequences with his exile to Elba.
3)Prince Andrei abandons his pregnant wife Lisa. It's interesting that Tolstoy notes that when Andrei goes into Narc rage, he is no longer handsome. Prince Andrei also lacks the ability for philosophical reflection--the ex-P said that like Andrei, he lacked the ability to philosophize. So, I asked- Why do YOU consider yourself a philosopher? His response "I want to be a philosopher." Prince Andrei also can't bear the sight of tears because it ALMOST makes him cry, and that empathy thing really bothers him....
4)Prince Andrei abandons Princess Natasha, thus leaving her at the mercy of the psychopathic Anatole. Yes, the ex-P identified with Anatole as well.
It's awful to feel condemned, not good enough, being hated by one's own father. He's not a lover or a spouse, but it's still an awful feeling. I felt the same way with the ex-P.
I can sense it but what really gets me is this:
Why did my Dad hate my husbands? He loves my narc sisters poor victim husband? Everyone LOVES my current N, except my Dad. He won't dare say it because then he would have to admitt that they can smell each other like dogs! Here's the best part, when I announce the divorce? Oh boy, daddy will "I tolda so's" to everyone and their mother. Mr. Superior, and ill watch as all my sisters kiss his ass. Lol.
I'm not alone in my family on this opinion. My wiser older brother was having "a few" and talking shit on my Dad. So, I responded "well, his cancer has really bothered him" (I was avoiding), lol, my drunk brother (bless his heart) said " fuck him and his cancer!" I nearly spit my drink out. That was it tho :(
Everyone else is a follower.
Jen, this is good for us to get out. I'm thanking you. I said I couldn't go there, but I think I did.
Does that make sense? Signature:/
My dad hated my second narc too, the first one he didnt hate, cause he had a big bmw, he had money. But he just saw him once anyway. He didnt knew anything about my life. But when I was about to marry narc number two, he protested.
I think narcs hate each other. They are drawn to empaths, the second and third wife of my father were/are both nice women, too naive both of them. I think, when they sense a narc, they see themselves in them, and they hate it.
I agree. That's what I was trying to say. When a Narc dad meets a narc boyfriend, it looked like two dogs that didn't get along. The tention was felt so strong by me that I was so uncomfortable.
My maternal grandparents were BOTH Narcs. Look at Jaycee's ex and his girlfriend. An NPD man and a BPD woman tend to be... compatible. Even Sam Vaknin speaks of compatible Narcs ending up together.
When I met the ex-Psych professor's curator girlfriend (curators work with objects, after all! She even wrote a paper about restoring and preserving dolls),she looked EXACTLY like him. They were both dressed the same; both had crew cuts. She dressed in a masculine way. He wanted someone who reflected him. They looked and acted like fraternal twins.... NOT lovers.
I would tell my mother
Teachers as father figures
Me too!
Blueeyes
Jen, yep
Not all Narcs hate each other
double post