When someone else takes advantage of you,it triggers how the N took advantage..

38 posts / 0 new

#1 Nov 22 - 11AM

shortway

When someone else takes advantage of you,it triggers how the N took advantage..

Well I kinda got into an argument with my sister..I've been running like crazy for her for a month etc..And just felt taken advantage of..not appreciated etc..God it triggered me to be so fed up with people and what my N did to me came to the surface..I feel that anyone taking advantage in the future will trigger it always....Sucks... I'm going to be more selfish..The days of me lending people thousands of dollars,giving them a place to stay,etc is over!

#2 Nov 28 - 10PM

Susan32

Getting triggered at work...

For 5 years, I was at a Narc/toxic workplace. For the past 2, I've been out of it (thank God) Being in the Narc workplace set off my triggers so much... and at times the ex-Narc boss took pleasure in it, joking about how I "freaked out." He enjoyed humiliating his employees publicly, especially me. The ex-Narc boss was a micromanager, prone to flying into rages over innocuous things. There was an AM cook who would go off on me... for no good reason. She relished getting me to the point of tears. It was an incredibly abusive nightmare. I had a Narc coworker who was massively obese and considered himself a sex god. Despite being married, he hit on female CNAs. During his first 2 weeks of working there, he asked me for help. Since he was new, I was ready to help. I was supposed to make sure there was at least a pitcher of grape juice in the walk-in refrigerator FOR HIM... this guy was nearly 40, and he was ordering me around like a servant. As if he couldn't make it himself simply by adding water :0 When he made that stupid demand, I told everyone how he was bullying me around... he claimed he wasn't a bully. He was soooo demanding about it, I played a trick on him. I'd label the prune juice or thickened juice "grape juice" and he fell for it. He could be incredibly condescending. When I was working a double shift for the first time, I was exhausted, I needed help... he didn't lift a finger, and he blamed me. He encouraged a teenaged girl to flaunt her bare chest and teenagers to drink alcohol on the nursing home grounds... and my boss let him get away with it. He's still working there.

#3 Nov 22 - 6PM

Ava

So true shortway!

I'm feeling the same triggers, and many with my sister too. Aargh. Without sounding too cliche [ha!] what I want to say simply is You Go Girl!! :) Ava xx

Ava

#4 Nov 22 - 7PM (Reply to #32)

shortway

Hahaha really ava?.....Yeah

Hahaha really ava?.....Yeah so It is time to set boundaries and I am doing so today and with my one friend about something..They are going to know I'm serious because I can't feel victimized like this again and taken advantage of..I need to have clear boundaries..And if they can't follow them,they are not going to be in my life..It is also time I STOP doing stuff for everyone and stop being mother teresa...

#5 Nov 28 - 6PM (Reply to #33)

Ava

Hiya shortway, you are absolutely & utterly justified in how you

are feeling re. your sister given the behaviour you've described. And I also think that if you're feeling that threatened or ick feeling; triggers throwing you back to the same feelings with the narc d&d - I think if you're feeling it then there's something to it. Some of the best pieces of advice I've received in regard to dealing with this whole experience is learn to trust yourself / don't doubt yourself, and allow yourself to have these feelings & to protect yourself. For me its been harder when I've looked at my sister - there's greater sense of responsibility or tolerance / forgiveness required with families. I've started to ease away from my sister, reduced contact etc & I've felt incredibly guilty & selfish doing it at times, but it has been such a relief. A relief simply due to the lesser contact, energy sucking & boundary crossing from her, but also a relief because I feel I'm finally starting to try to look out for myself / standing up for myself in a way.... starting to take all the energy I used to spend trying to help her fix her problems & spending a little of it on myself. I definitely think you are justified in how you feel & I back you 1000% in your wish & choice to try to stop spending so much of your own time & energy helping everyone else & to pull back from your sister [and that friend] and set your boundaries up. How are you going with it all this week? :) Ava xx

Ava

#6 Nov 28 - 6PM (Reply to #34)

shortway

HI Ava, Thanks..I just

HI Ava, Thanks..I just ripped my friend a new one as week speak..She is pretty clear that i mean business..Because I am pissed..For some reason my sister's thing has washed away a bit...I think it is because there is nothing she can do about it at this point and I said what I had to say about it...I am having alot of anxiety right now becuase I am not getting a response from my friend saying" i would never do that to you"..She has gone silent on me..She is either shitting or doesnt know what to say about me going off on her..I just feel she should BEING A FrIEND..reassure me that she isn't going to be hangin with my ex-N or his new OW...But she has gone silent..I will cut her off I can guarentte you that..However,the ex-N will love love love it..That he put a wedge in there..He always wins doesnt him..bastard!

#7 Nov 28 - 9PM (Reply to #35)

Ava

Hi shortway - its YOU that's winning :)

Ha ha! Nice one re. making it clear to your friend that you mean business, though I'm sorry to hear you're having a lot of anxiety over it. In my opinion though, if she isn't BEING a friend & reassuring you that she won't be hanging with your exN & ow AND not only reassuring you but actually following through and NOT hanging with them, then she really ISN'T a friend. You deserve so much better than that. And, AND - if this person is as unhealthy for you as she sounds, then the wedge between you is a good thing for you, a great thing. And the exN will absolutely NOT love it because its cutting a connection between the two of you - he now can't use this "friend" as a way to get to you or to find out about you. Its a loss of supply & he'll hate it. AND, it is not him putting the wedge in there - its YOU. YOU putting up your boundaries & barriers to toxic people, YOU taking control, YOU telling them that you will not allow yourself to be treated badly like this, YOU taking your power back. AND he'll hate every inch of that too. He's not winning honey, YOU ARE!! And I'm so happy for you! You keep on kickin ass!! :) Ava xx

Ava

#8 Nov 29 - 10AM (Reply to #36)

shortway

Thanks sooo much AVA....Yes

Thanks sooo much AVA....Yes my friend knows I mean business..Because I ripped her a new one last night.We've been friends for 15years and I have never talked to her this way..So she is probably shocked..Anyway she said she would write back later..I know she is scared.It's not easy for her being close to her cousin who is best friends with the ex-N...I know she has to be in places where he invites his friend and she is just going to hang with her cousin..But she needs to know this is serious.This isnt a normal break up.. This is a person who 1-Told me to die,told me he'd put a bullet in my head 2-D+D'ed me 3-verbally and emotionally abused me 4-used me for money and a place to stay 5-cheated It's not a normal thing.. She knows I mean business..lol..

#9 Nov 22 - 5PM

shortway

This has been probably the

This has been probably the biggest trigger since the D+D...Guess I'm feeling the same things,used,not appreciated,devalued,etc...oh well..

#10 Nov 22 - 5PM

shortway

My sister just came over my

My sister just came over my mom's house here and did her"hello"..up to me"..I said"what"..she said"what you doing"..I said"resting"...then she hungo ut for a minute then left..i am standing firm on it..for a while..i can't give in to easy..i was upset this morning..I need to be on better ground when I talk to her.....I actually told her to not bring it up to me..that I just said what I had to say... I'm just done with stuff...I mean it was 1-no flowers corsage 2- getting snippy with me while she was getting dressed 3-not telling me she had maid of honor-4-writing a paragraph about each person doing readings balh blah..and she just wrote"bride's sister" next to my name..I know I didn't want to be part of the spectaclt..but she could have written something...Since it wasn't a classic wedding and she wanted it "different""not by the rules" she didn't have to only write something about people in the readings ,best man,etc...

#11 Nov 22 - 2PM

shortway

It's just after all I am

It's just after all I am telling you....I am looked at as the bitch for raising hell to these people...It'sjust like it boils up and enough is enough...ya know

#12 Nov 22 - 1PM

Briseis

Hey Shorty

It is NORMAL to respond with irk and indignant anger when you realize someone has been taking advantage of you! It's not so much that when anyone does it again that it will remind you of the Narc. The relationship with the Narc was your "wake up call". Through this, you came awake to being used and abused. It's sad but true, that other people will try and do this with us as long as we are alive or living anywhere near them :D Some people are just "takers". Narcs are waaaaayyyy out there and the worst of the worst. Most others are merely selfish and annoying, and will back off when a boundary is set. Don't know about your sister, if she's the type to throw a tantrum when you say NO or not. THese relationships with Narcs are kind of "good" for us empathic types. They teach us how to finally take care of ourselves, like nothing else. It takes a damn Narc to wake us empathic types up :D . Otherwise we'd be running our asses off our whole lives and wondering why. Oh yay, I just thought of ANOTHER use for a Narc. Besides the obvious (fertilizer and something to make Narc jokes about).

#13 Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #23)

shortway

Good because I am pretty mad

Good because I am pretty mad at the moment..My sister kind of throws it out there that she needs help and has this despair in her voice that I fall for I guess...If I go ahead and do it..Like among 50 other things organize her hair and makup with my friends last minute for her wedding..Well if it doesn't run smoothly and I say anything like bringing it up that I do stuff for her..instead of re-thanking me,or even thanking in the first place...She will say"WELL, i could have had someone ELSE do it"..like throwing it back on me..as if I have a problem with it she could have gotten other people or done something else..Like blaming me..So yeah..i'm pretty much done with all of it..I'm super-pissed....Her and my mother will do shady stuff like that..like not talking about something and then if you figure it our for yourself..they will B.S,lie their way out of it..So I sent my sister a text this morning..well 3 of them..telling her she is not going to B.S,lie her way out of it,she is not to talk to my mother about it(because then the two of them contort the truth when they are wrong,so they don't look wrong).I told her she is a selfish bleep.. and that she needs to change her selfish ways,and that I've been running around liek a chicken without a head all month,spending like 1,000 on shower,parties,wedding...I mean don't you think you would bring up to your sister that you are having a maid of honor and that it was important to have someone stadning up there.,etc..and/or see if your sister felt more comfortable not walking down aisle etc..rather than,have her figure out you have your best friend maid of honor last minute..Like wtf...SHe could have had a paragraph about me on the sheet...She is going to try and flip it on me because I said I didn't want to be in front of anyone,standing up there...But i didn't mean that I didn't want to be maid of honor...ya know..I think it's shady..because I didn;t hear any word of"maid of honor" AT ALL...until the ceremony.

#14 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #24)

Briseis

Shorty

Good gawd, it's all about the BRIDE, isn't it (sheesh). Being mad is a natural response to being bullied and used. And gaslighted (the shady stuff). I'd rather go down a slide with alcohol and razor blades than participate in bullshit like that. Sorry you are :) Keep your dignity, girlfriend. She will be married soon and her HUSBAND'S problem before very long. Keeping your dignity means on the outside, you stay calm and very possessed of yourself, while on the inside, you feel what you feel :D And what you feel is valid.

#15 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #25)

shortway

Yeah she is married

Yeah she is married already,..It was yesterday..I know..so shady..It just reminds me of the N i guess..or the behavior..Like how they make you second guess yourself by contorting the truth etc,..I can't be around her.I have to house-sit for her and am going there to sit in silence..She is paying me and I told her she better have food in the house!..lol..She reminds me of an N because even though I ripped her a new one today,she will probably still try to contort it..My sister CANNOt be wrong..this goes back to her childhood my father used to bring it up all the time..She gets super defensive..I'm like double-thinking it..Or preparing on how she will contort it... You're saying my feeling are legit..good.. I mean I still coudl have been the maid of honor correct?Even though I didn't want to stand in front of everyone?..

#16 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #26)

Briseis

Not specifically . . . I'm

Not specifically . . . I'm just saying you accurately felt taken advantage of because you were, and you have a right to be angry. I didn't say you had a "right" to rip her a new one :D unless you are just speaking fancifully about setting a boundary with her. I venture a guess here. Your family sounds Narc-ish. Maybe your Narc reminds you of THEM? And being so used to them enabled you to put up with a lot of Narc bullshit from your ex before you realized what was going on? That's the way it was for me, anyway. My father is a Narc, and I grew up thinking that kind of shit was NORMAL.

#17 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #27)

shortway

Yes I did it to set

Yes I did it to set boundaries.. I just started to be this way with my sister..Within the past maybe year..It started with my ex_N helping her out alot with construction,estimates,inspecting potential houses..Maybe his giving rubbed off on me to her and I felt like I had to maintain that level with her..It started with the ex_N helping her alot..The only thing the ex_N did alot was help my family out..my mother and sister with stuff for their houses..So maybe I took over the baton as if I was conditioned from them to continue helping..DOn't ask why..she is the one with the house,stable job..I don't have a house,steady job..etc.... I think that's where it started.He fiance/husband doesn;t help and is always not capable of doing things..so I guess it falls on my mother and me more..... I'm pretty solidly pissed and it is rare I get this bad where I don't want to talk to someone..like at all...

#18 Nov 22 - 1PM

shortway

CAn you all tell me if I

CAn you all tell me if I should be as pissed as I am at my sister?Cause I'm pretty much talking through my mother to her today and don't plan on spkeaing with her for a while..

#19 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

blueeyes

Shortstuff

Your upset at how your treated. It's ok to back off of people in general. I have been in a cacoon trying to heal from the worst Narc in my life. The last thing I need is someone selfish to call and ask a favor. Dammitt, they are lucky we got dressed today! Lol. Try to focus on your needs first. If someone doesn't understand. Maybe take a break from them for a little bit?

#20 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #21)

shortway

LOL shortstuff..i liked

LOL shortstuff..i liked that...Yeah I'm actually going to have my sister's house all to myself for 5 days..I think I will sit in silence there for hours some days and meditate.. I just don't like people lately.. Between my sister with that My friend even thinking she could run across on me"if i was going to her party,cause her cousin asked if my ex-N could go"... I guess my ways of acting are different than these people and it's like I just want to distance myself.. I think my mother got the memo last night..because she is just like my sister..I come last,I'm single and expected to never ask for help,to do favors,etc..We had hotel room for after the wedding and I kept saying I want to go home after I'm exhausted from this month..She at first was all like"you can't go home,your cousins will be there etc," like she decided not to stay so therefore her guilt was making me stay..She saw I was mad last night and actually went in and told them a lie that she was sick so they wouldn't charge her for the night she paid for..WHich she actually got it at the end of the night that I was serious. But it's like that lately...People just expecting me to do favors,not returning them,putting themselves first,not caring about my needs.. I prett much yelled at my friend,my sister this morning ,and my mom last night..I just can't take one more shanagan..

#21 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

shortway

LOL shortstuff..i liked

#22 Nov 22 - 12PM

truthseeker

shortway

hey Girl. I have noticed my emotions are right at the surface and everyone is urking the shit out of me. Just being aware of it helps. Just like we do spring cleaning sometime we have to evaluate and get rid of relationships also. Not saying this is the case as far as you and your sister. But I totally undrstand where you are coming from.

#23 Nov 22 - 12PM (Reply to #17)

shortway

Yeah like totally urking the

Yeah like totally urking the shit out of me!!..Can you all tell me if I should be as pissed/upset as I am..I 'm not talking to my sister for a while..Even though I didnt want to be part of the spectacle..DOn't you think her and my mother shouldnt have hidden that her BF would be maid of honor until day of..Like I even told all my friends she wasn't having wedding party..Or at least write something about me on the sheet....!...SOoooooo pissed not even funny..I'm actually done with her..Our relationship is forever going to be changed.

#24 Nov 22 - 12PM

shortway

I"m just going to say it on

I"m just going to say it on here because of course my sister isnt on here..lol So a while back I had said I didn't want to stand up front for her wedding..I don't like pictures or being center of attention..So my mother just said she needed someone to stand up there..I guess in front of the judge..So I was like "Nah,let her best friend do it"...She was only supposed to have something small,not walking down aisle..no wedding party etc...So when they were handing out flyers to everyone about the ceremony thing..It showed her best friend as maid of honor..I was like oh ok!!!..So she could have told me that ahead of time or had me maid of honor..but not had me be part of the spectacle..Then everyone got corsages but me..I said it was silly in talking...But she could have gotten me one..There was nothing written about me in the ceremony paper thing.....I flipped out on her this morning via text..It is just shady in my eyes..She could have done something to accompany the fact I didn't want to be in front of everyone.I have been runnign around ALL month for her shower,bachelorette party,etc..going through a break-up, and starting own business...I'm just pissed..Plus this wedding was not in my liking because my father starts problems with everyone and noone gets along..I didn't get his wrath,but this wife said"thanks for inviting me to the shower"...I was not going to take it anymore..I said " i'm not to blameyou can blame my sister for that"...She made the list....I'm just not taking it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#25 Nov 22 - 12PM

shortway

Hahahah yeah what is sick

Hahahah yeah what is sick squids...lol..I'm going to have to use that sometime...lol.. I just think my relationship with my sister is going to be forever changed by what she did yesterday and something she did when I helped her with her new house..I'm done... There will be no more helping out...I am house sitting for her this week while she goes on her honeymoon..only because she is paying me to watch the cats...lol I'm super pissed..I like woke up crying..

#26 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #10)

blueeyes

Sisters

I have 5 siblings, there is one sister that I will not speak to. Well, none of my family does. Families is even spelled with the word "lies" at the end. Siblings suck sometimes. Its sad for her, not us. I hear she started to drink a lot. I hope she finds herself in AA and contacts us to make amends. Until then, I wish her well.

#27 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #11)

shortway

Thanks blue...I am correct

Thanks blue...I am correct though that she could have made me maid of honor even though she knew I was uncomfortable being up front...As far as I know,she wasn't having any at all,just having someone stand up front for the judge.. I just need to prepare myself for the contorting to come...Because this is a BIGGIe and she will fight to the death contorting this one..Bank on it.

#28 Nov 22 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

blueeyes

contorting

Hmm, maybe handle this lightly? Don't be angry, step back and ask her questions. Maybe ask "I didn't know you were having a maid of honor. I know I said I didn't want to be a spectacle but I could have stood next to you ya know?" This way she will explain away and you can go from there and answer gently. I don't know the in's and out's but there may be a deeper rooted issue between you and your sister. Maybe this goes deeper than flowers and maid of honor? Idk? I'm guessing that your feeling used and this will trigger you in recovery. Your feelings are hurt and they are there for a reason. Think about what the reason is and approch her with that nicely. If she rants and raves it's on her. You were just being honest. Stay honest and true but keep firm. Never compromise yourself when your hurt. We did that with the N's enough. Lemme know how your doing XO

#29 Nov 22 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

shortway

I'm guessing that your

I'm guessing that your feeling used and this will trigger you in recovery......Yes it is...it is bringing back feelings of D+D and used..I just need to set boundaries with people..i have been complaining alot about it...But I need to set it in motion... I think it is past handling it lightly..i texted her at 6am...lol..Because I waited until her day was over..with my sister you have to go hard with her for her to "get the memo".. I'm distancing myself from people anyway..a little..I'm too enabling,empathetic,giving,I need to focus back inwards....today I just feel zapped back into those same feelings again I had with the N when I was D+D'ed..and it's not a place I want to visit...

#30 Nov 22 - 4PM (Reply to #14)

blueeyes

Shortstuff

This is a great realization for you. Setting healthy boundaries happens in time. We need to learn how to do it firm and dignified. I think your on your way to getting this accomplished. I am still learning. Also, recovery from a N is very hard! As you know the anger gets outta line. We all get the angry days and that's normal. How about the anger when you were with the N? Sheesh, I was a nasty arsh somedays. Now, I'm not but if I get triggered that old anger comes out. I write it in a fake email to a friend or myself but I pretend its the person that made me angry. This way after the dust settles I can deal without compromise. Ya know?

#31 Nov 22 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

Alive

hahaha

Squids, lolol. In England they use this for dollar. 6 pounds- sick squids, it's slang, not that we are common ah DHW? lolol. 6 dollars

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews