Maybe... but it would be strange since he was the one to break up? Last contact was Sunday, he had moved all his stuff out of our home but he still came when he pleased so I asked for the key since it didn't make sense he had it when he didn't want to live with me.
He came to give it back, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and left. I was quite proud of myself because I was able to hold it together and not cry or look upset at all.
Yesterday a bank letter arrived and I found out that someone (I'm guessing his best friend, its an international transfer) sent him money last week, under the reference "serendipity" as the bank statement says... What the hell?
Has he asked his mate for money so he could move out, while he's out spending money on beers every night? And the "serendipity" bit? Sounds like he's happy to get rid of me, doesn't he?
:(
I have decided that personally that I can no longer play different scenarios in my head, of what he is doing and why. It will drive you crazy!!! I get really anxious and would obsess with what he is doing and why. Truth is either they love you and want you in their life or they dont. For me I came to this realization that it really has nothing to do with me. The same goes for you! You love him... And trust me he knows you love him and he takes great comfort in this. He assumes that he can come back and you will be waiting. The best thing for you to do is do things that mske you happy. I know easier said than done. I have spent the last year in a fog and unhappy. The fog is lifting. Unfortunately, I believe the narcs feed on happy people. So beware when you find yourself happy again he will be back to suck your happiness again. Sorry f this is choppy...hard to reply on my Phone:)
You should feel very good about yourself for making a boundary and requesting your key back. And high five for not letting him see you break down or upset! He doesn't deserve that from you any more.
As for him not contacting you, try to consider it a blessing. You're still very early in this process so your thoughts of him and the "relationship" are filled with longing and sadness. It's because what he did does not make sense and you somehow want to "take the blame." You think it's because you weren't this or you weren't that.
Ruby, that is WRONG! You cannot ever make sense of what motivates him because he is a narcissist. It's truly All About Him and his mad mission to fill up the empty black hole that he is. He will do whatever it takes. Unfortunately when we get tangled up with them we don't know about how truly disordered they are and it really hurts that we thought we knew who we were in love with. Unfortunately we learn through their REPETITIVE, PREDICTABLE behavior that the person we thought we knew never really existed. The reality is a selfish, self-centered, victimized, pitiful little lost soul who thinks nothing of grinding our lives to dust.
So this is where I want you to turn the tables. It will take time and it will be hard. Ruby, you have a lot going for you. You are smart, funny, well-educated and attractive. You must remember these things. You must concentrate on your good qualities and nurture them. That is what others will see in you and respond to. There are normal, non-disordered nice men out there who will notice your beautiful spirit if you nurture it and own it!
Well, I'll get off my soapbox for now, Ruby. But I want to remind you you have done so very well with all that's been on your plate, your dad's death and this nutjob's D & D! You are stronger than you know. Your disordered one's a FOOL for letting you go.
Stay strong, sweet Ruby.
Most sincerely,
(not) spinning. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE ME!
Spinning! what a great answer!!!!
Ruby, don't think of him... I know it's hard. But look at the answers here. all the same...
It's hard to accept the situation, especially because you are a nice girl and you loved him so much. That shows what a great person you are. Not worthless or unsexy.
It takes time. Why don't you get some ice cream to MTV? :) So much better to spoil yourself than get destroyed by a man...
Hugs
Hi Ruby, I'm 5 weeks NC and still going through what you are. It's painful imaging they are getting on with their lives, not suffering, and having fun. I've been reading more about mindfulness and it echoes what many lovely, supportive women say here - I think we just have to go through the pain to reach the other side where we will be stronger. We have to go through the pain, confusion, the playing back of the 'relationship' and everything that was said and done, to see it again through different eyes and to fully realise the truth of him and his disordered, sick pathological behaviour - now armed with the knowledge that we didn't have before.
We have to push through the lonely aching for him, the days of non-stop crying, and there is no alternative. Maybe it's a different time scale for each of us. By now I wanted to feel better, but when I need to cry I give in to it and try to see it as washing out the poison. Then I try to see continuing the NC as me being ACTIVE and decisive, something for me, so that I don't give in to the temptation - which is so, so strong, believe me - to text him. I do think of him all the time, still, despite I see exactly what he is now.
And I do hate the idea of him having 'fun'. But like all the answers here are saying - it's not really fun, or any kind of happiness as we would know it - just an illusion he has to create for himself, and he drew us into that illusion when he was with us. These sick freaks are NOT HAVING FUN WITH THE OW, GF, 'FRIENDS', FAMILY, COLLEAGUES OR ANYONE ELSE - they are ABUSING EVERYBODY, JUST EVERYBODY in their lives that they come into contact with, because they are JUST PROJECTING AND ACTING OUT PERSONAS - ALL THE TIME. They're not having normal interactions with ANYONE. EVER. They don't know how to.
Let's keep trying to understand and accept, in our hearts as well as our heads, that they are JUST NOT NORMAL. Pathologicals /narcissists do not feel normal feelings like we do. Even if they seem to - it is all an act, all pretence. We have to stop imagining that they think and feel and relate like healthy, normal people. We have to keep reminding ourselves that they have to desperately, pathetically search for supply every hour of every day just to feel alive. We, on the other hand, are hurting because we can feel ordinary, normal, human emotions. We are empathic, loving, giving, and fully part of the human race. Better to be us than to be a narcissist, or to be with him and be part of his abusive, energy-sucking 'fun'.
Thank you. You expressed this really clearly. I need to read this over and over. I get it in my head and then I lose it. I want and need it to stick. I think we need to hear it as much as we can, in as many ways as we can, to really own it. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you doll! You are right, no one in their right mind could just leave someone and move on so quickly, and not even call to see how me and my family are doing when my dad died two weeks ago. He is definitely showing that he doesn't care AT ALL.
But I keep thinking, he will be happy with the other woman. That maybe I was the problem and they are just so happy making love and going to picnics like WE used to do. I'm really struggling today with the thought of him with another girl...
Mine up and left one day and was still trying to keep me on hold saying he does not won't us to be done . Actions speak louder than words
He has 2 Ow that I know of and is all ways chasing women For sex money ego whatever he can get . it looks like he has stopes hoovering since I told him to fuck off !
I am enjoying the peace of mind and can't believe What I was really putting up with Until it stops you don't realize how bad things were . Take this time ruby to be honest with your self to how bad it was !
I can feel my fight coming back saying hell No his loss.not mine at all
He has done me a big favour in leaving me as it gave me the space to see I don't want him as I am too good for him . He is a backstabber and I have never had any one in my life like that .
Time now to give me some of that love and nurture back to myself .
Going to treat myself real good
Time to love me And it time for you to love you xxx
Maybe... but it would be
I have decided that
Ruby, sweetheart!
spinning
Spinning! what a great
Hi Ruby, I'm 5 weeks NC and
Thank you
Thank you doll! You are
Ruby woo