Why can't narcs be out of their "environment" ??

Same here. The narc might have stayed at my house a dozen times and he made sure I knew that he didn't feel comfortable at my house. The night I brought my newborn daughter home from the hospital he went home to stay at his house. I was always at his house and his place was so blah with blank walls and no personality. The most exciting thing at his house was his dog.

So what the hell lol I have read that they all DIDN'T stay at your homes, why did he have no problem staying at mine? I could never sleep at his house, it was so cold (as in nothing on the white walls) It just wasn't a warm environment His house actually gave me the creeps! In 7 yrs I stayed I thing maybe 5 times. I didn't feel safe there and neither did my kids. His kids always wanted to be at my house instead of his.

In ten plus years exN slept at my house maybe 5 times - one valid excuse is that my bed is not big enough for him so it was uncomfortable and most the times he came over was when I was backing off from him. he trained me to the point where I got totally conditioned to spending time only at his house (I did prefer his bed over mine too though). but really it was about being in his comfort zone always. He promised vacations but we NEVER traveled! I have a beautiful condo in a warm place and he never went to it - we stayed in his dark basement in the rain...for years... I still think I was nuts to settle for so little

My narc went to university and stayed for all of 3 days before giving the whole thing up. My theory is that they HAVE to be in control NO MATTER WHAT, and so as a result they have to control their environment too. Anything less than absolute control makes them twitchy.

Because they are eternal bratty children with the emotional intelligence of a gold wish...

Dogs freak out when they're taken out of their normal environment. My parents' Pomeranian would go into a barking frenzy when left at the kennel during vacation. Dogs mark their territory, so to speak, and how dare another dog intrude upon it... for a fluffy little Pom will bark to high Heaven. The ex-Psych prof's first name is Hebrew for dog, so the analogy helps. I NEVER saw his office... until the final D&D. It was kind of ironic. After 4 years, he FINALLY let me into his office... but it was for him to berate me in front of his colleague (with whom he shared the office) who was trying to work. It was bizarre... to be rejecting someone, but in a semi-public manner (his colleague, who resembles Brian Blessed, rolled his eyes) on HIS territory. I had never been welcome there, over 4 years... till the final D&D. An odd form of vulnerability. The ex-P's girlfriend moved from LA to be with him, not the other way around. His parents moved from Massachusetts to New Mexico to raise his twins, not the other way around. He'd brag about non-existent European vacations. As my classmates would say "He spent his summer vacation staying at home reading books." It's the sense of territoriality and possessiveness.

Brinamarie - definitely had the same scenario play out. The handful of times he came to my place - 3 of them he had a reason to sleep at his place, 1 time he tried and got up in the middle of the night to leave and go work because he couldn't sleep, and the last time I called him on it, he took a Benadryl and made it until 8am the next morning (ridiculous it took knocking him out to stay...) Sure - I don't discount the routine argument, but I think it signals more intimacy for the narc and he/she avoids that like the plague. Being out of your comfort zone, your home that you can control, makes a person vulnerable...vulnerability often is associated with intimacy and that's what they are afraid of, so they don't do it. Ever. Unless it helps to secure supply longer or something like that. That's my best guess!

seldom in the entire 15 years did he slept at my place, maybe a handful and when he did, did he bitch about anything and everyhting, a dog barking ,cold in the house, nothing was good enough or right enough for him, so I did not want him to stay at my place anymore and i went to his place usually, then he would ask me why i do not invite him over more often, nutso............

in the 2 yrs together, mine never slept at my house, and only came over to visit a couple times only after i forced him. i dont get it either

My ex always stayed at my house except the week he didn't have his kids, he didn't like to sleep alone. his 10yr old still sleeps with him. He would sleep here no problem , but coud never stay during the day it drove him crazy to try and just relax!He always made up shit to do.He would run home but did nithing, and came back to my place to sleep

Same here. I always had to go to her place, though I have a nice home and she lives in a rough inner city neighborhood. Also I was told (when being rejected for dates) that she had a routine during the week that she didn't "break from". Work, gym then home. I think she left the gym part out 90% of the time lol

Mine would never eeeever sleep at my place. And yes, thanks for the link Hunter. N's are EXTREME creatures of habit. Plus realistically he probably had to get home to text another girl before bed.

The more time I waste delving into the mind of a psychopath/sociopath the harder it becomes to move forward. Their shit sticks and takes an industrial strength cleaning agent to remove the stains. As we became de-sensitized to the environment of the narc-stains (I like it), it all seems to ooze into our daily consciousness, blocking out common sense and the instinct for self-preservation. It is a hard road back. We all display in our sharing here on the site that we have been truly narced out. The obsessive/ compulsive nature of our fascination and focus with/on the narc-stains is hard to break. Even a small slip backwards is a dangerous game. I know this from personal experience. I need space and time to heal. I like to think my case is special and unique. Unique yes, special, not really. The cause is always the narc-stain. Regardless of our complicity or vulnerability. The cure is a matter of choice. Sharing space, time, thoughts, ideas, or experience with a narc-stain is always a dangerous game, as it gives them supply and power and energy. This past couple of years has been a financial disaster for me. When under stress I become much more vulnerable to interruptions and outside stimuli, and some days it is just real fucking hard to cope. Perfect host environment for a predator who lurks ready to pounce. I got lurked and I got pounced. And I let it happen. It didn't take me out or down, but it sure didn't help my financial position, as I let the haunting obscure my focus on what I need to do for me. To the extent I listened and mulled over her ramblings, I wasted valuable time that would have been much better spent digging myself out of the hole I am in. I humbly apologize for my transgression and reversion, and vow to do better in the future. I let myself get narced by the exwn, and I don't like the way it made me feel. ds