For you OLD TIMERS on this website

By the time I ended the relationship I wanted him gone SO badly that this sadness and loss was not there. I'm guessing that's why anyway. I supposed if I were wanting another relationship, I would feel a lot more sad than I do, have a lot more yearning. Either I'm just too independent or the Narc burned the desire right outta me. I had one episode I remember, a few weeks after I got rid of him. I was out milking the goats late at night (it was high summer and way too hot to do it during the day). I was waiting for one girl to finish her grain and I heard myself saying, "Oh, Narc (well, I said his real name :D ). I miss you." It shocked me because it seemed to float up out of NOWHERE. If I felt it (or continue to feel it) I must have it very nicely buried. Can't think of anything better to be buried, lemme tell ya. I'll never forget it, because it was the last time.

Not really...Ive seen Karma deal with my XNH and a recent ex, the Narc that brought me here I have neither heard from or seen for more than 2 years. I dread to see what has Karma has dealt to him. A heart attack for one and the other who wished to fall down the stairs and hurt myself ended up having the exact thing he wished upon me happen to him!!!hahaha!!! I dont care about them-but there is hope for ME lol!!

The sadness that I feel for the exN is a testament to the real love I had for him. Mine was not an illusion. It is tragic to see someone you love beyond hope. That is kudos to you and to us whose love was real, unlike theirs. I have come to the point now, thankfully, where that sadness is just pity and involves no real heartache of my own anymore. This has been a major achievement of which I am thankful everyday - to feel no pain anymore. I had a moment of clarity last night after being snowed in for 6 days now and completely isolated. We wish to return to our old selves after this experience but the truth is we ARE much like the soldiers returning from war - forever changed by our experience. What we do with that is up to us. It has changed me but I am embracing the idea that I will emerge, and am doing so, more powerful than ever, knowing the evil exist out there but so much more able to be grateful for the most simplistic joys that exist. And more able to see it for what it is and refuse to have it in my life anymore. Maybe it is the final release of ten years of torment that makes the most simplest things so wonderful now. It is humane to feel sadness for those you know are hopelessly lost. Esp those we loved dearly. It is why they chose us in the first place. Feel the sadness for another lost soul but let go of any responsibility in it. They are what they are and there is nothing that can be done about it except to feel sad about it and move forward with what you can change- your life beyond them. almostlydia

OH YES, many times. I dont know if it is still due to the wonderful image he once appeared to me as or from being so betrayed, I think its a combination of both. The shock is over, the PTSD is much much better, almost gone but when I do think of him a very very huge sadness comes over me, I dont think I will ever forget the wonderful man he first appeared to me as, and I will never forget what he turned into either, it was pretty nasty. I think I may always feel sad when he comes to mind, sad because I was so deeply deeply hurt and because he took 4 years from my life I can never get back. I cant say how I would feel if I had another man in my life that was everything I ever wanted and was the REAL thing, naturally the psychopath would not come to mind much at all but onwithmylife, its IS very sad what they did to us and nothing can erase that totally. We just move on and know it was nothing we ever did to cause it.

Since I discovered that he was going to kill me. What saved me was the previous experiences and the fact that he thought I was desperately lonely when I was happy. So no. No sadness. Fear. Hypervigilance on occasion (PTSD). Knowledge that there's a dangerous predator out there. In search of another woman to take advantage of and perhaps do away with. I have no proof. But every fiber of me thinks I am lucky to be alive.

Occasionally I'll stumble across an old email from him while looking for something else, and I'll read it and wonder if he really was a nice person. But then I'll remember all the crappy things he did, and realize that he was pretty dysfunctional. He would act like he loved me right before dumping me, each of the six times! So any sadness I might feel is quickly tempered by the realization that he was a nutjob, and I'm happy to not have him in my life. However, even during times when I am single, I never feel sad about it. I never long for a good man to come into my life. I generally feel pretty complete and happy when I'm single. Maybe that's part of why I don't feel sad at no longer having my ex-narc in my life. I realized that he was a loser, and I'm better off without him. I'm always better off being single than being with someone like that.

Wow. Loved the movie (saw it like twenty times) but didn't get far in the book. What a good thing to remember while we are living life: being conscientious of the memories we are making for others, being aware of how we will be remembered. I once said to the narc: "When you die, I'm going to stuff you with your precious money and stick your mother's jewelry up your ass, and all your fake friends will come to the wake and say, 'Ha ha ha. Old Don was a player' and drink to your prowess. All your girlfriends will show up and meet for the first time and go home in tears. Your estate will pay the bill for the drinks and the lunch you would never buy them, and when the very public funeral is over, no one will give a shit about you being gone unless they need a parking ticket fixed or a boot off their car. Then they'll miss their clout." He said, "Nice, baby. Real nice."

One can see Julie Powell's book about cooking recipes from Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" as a complement to "Eat Pray Love." Towards the end, Powell discusses Julia Child's death, and her thoughts about the afterlife. Powell doesn't believe in Heaven per se, but she DOES believe in the power of memories. Here's what she says, it struck a chord with me because of the ex-Psych professor- "When I was in high school, I had a particularly damaging drama teacher. Which is so a story for another book, and I'm not going to go into it now except to say this: he's dead now, and he lives on in my memory, but he lives on in my memory as a callous, manipulative, unhappy son of a b*tch. That's no way to spend eternity." Sounds like she had the same teacher as me.. except it was high school instead of college...

Yes, hit times of saddness,,it is good to get it out...it is a grieving process,,, right?! For having given SO MUCH of yourself, time, dedication, love,,and to find what kind of crap they are,,to EVERYONE in life.. Dont' let that taint you. Keep your love of people, it is still okay to care, to help, you can heal people, you can improve people, you can add to their life,,and they,,,,to yours. It is safe,,,,with SOME people. Key is just giving of yourself to the right cause, right people, where it is appreciated, and is not exploited. Then listen,,,red flags,,,,,don't give yourself to the fake, N people. Learn. Be wise. Discern. I have had huge,,huge periods of time of sadness,,however, look at how strong you are. Amazing..

It's been a year since the divorce was final, 10 months NC. Sometimes I do feel a bit of sadness--in that why did he not want a beautiful wife, home, family. Then I remember he's brain disordered and not normal. I remember the yelling, abusive language, put-downs. I remember how fearful I was of him. I remind myself that a husband doesn't treat a wife that way---and no child should see that. I remind myself how peaceful my home is... how much fun my daughter & I have without him. I cringe everytime i have to let her spend time with him, but hope I am making her strong enough to see through his behaviors.

For me, I do get sad. Not for the loss of the him. I know that what i experienced can never again be seen as a "love loss". I dont see this relationship in the context of Love anymore. I see it for the reality of what it was and this was that i brought into a world of unfortunate circumstances. I never sought out to be victimized by this Cluster B. Never had exposure or understood how damaging and dysfunctional they really are. But it happened. Maybe there was a reason. Maybe i was suppose to see something and learn something about myself. Maybe this was part of a bigger plan that I had no power, choice or control in. Then again...maybe not. But it happened, and now that i have come to the light with my reality, its my duty to take this tragic experience and turn it around to a positive in any way i can. Life truly is not about the events that take place. Its not about who did what and how they did it. It has everything with how we take these events and look at the bigger picture so we can make the right choices going forward. Its about how we respond to the events in life that make the difference. We can choose to wallow, have self-pity. We can choose to live in despair, feel angry,remorseful,vengeful, guilty, lost,confused and sad. But then again we can choose not to. Life is really a state of mind. And the choice is only ours to define the direction our life takes. So why do I feel sad? I feel sad because I know what is to come for others that are yet to follow in my footsteps. I feel sad that I cant find a solution that will fix the the pain and anguish created by these toxic people in any immediate manner. I feel sad for those still in the dark suffering. I feel sad that my little voice can not scream loud enough for the world to wake up and see that we need help. I feel sad that some days the thoughts and ideas of the next plan of action to make a difference do not come. I feel sad that i come here, i see despair, agony and pain and I can not deliver a magic cure to make it all better. My thoughts of sadness in the loss of him, has now been replaced by thoughts of you. But i would rather be feeling sad due to this than to give one oz of sadness to someone who never gave me the time of day. Someone that took all he could and never had any regard to leaving me empty and soulless. I would rather give my mindspace to creating something good rather than feeding the evil that exists in the real world. So this is a welcomed sadness and i live in hopes that one day this sadness will no longer be. Until that day, i have learned to accept that this is just my reality of the world i live in. I will continue to work towards happiness and contentment. I will take all opportunities i have within my power to create change for the positive good. This is survival and we are survivors. :) xoxo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Mostly if there is things going on and im busy then i dont have the cloud around my head , i actualy get it with him and that he will never change so in thoses times i am happy to be out of denile and in to exceptance . In quite times like this week i do start thinking of him and i do do the fake conversation in my head to him about how i know what a mess he is and try and hold him accountable . He tryed a hover last week so i supose theses feeling are to be expected after a break in nc .I am a year out of the relationship but he still wont leave me alone completely .I really want to sit him down and talk with him although i know it wont help one bit because i keep forgeting he hasnt changed I am the one who has changed so on days when i feel like breaking nc i talk to him in my head instead ... Maybe its the weather or maybe its the anti climax of so much happening in the holidays but i feel as flat as a pancake this week , i expect it is the hover attempt too . What i can say is the crying has all but gone , i havnt had a good cry in a while , maybe im due for a good sob and that will clear the tubes lol .But that dark cloud isnt there anymore , for me it went at about 8 months NC ... Big love .. we are all in it together and this site has saved my life . xxx

Omg onwithmylife I could tell by your posts you have been feeling this way. I started to post something to you but didn't. I have been suffering the same way. I feel like overall I'm doing much better and then I have these waves of pain come back and its like I'm vomiting it up. I think t depends on the amount of time you were exposed to them in my case 7 years in total. You have an added factor in knowing that he's dying and the finality of it all. So I think once again you are grieving. I don't know about you but sometimes I feel like a failure at recovery though I know I'm not. It just comes with time and I think for some of us it takes longer than others.

The ex-Psych professor hasn't communicated with me in a decade;I might even venture to say it's because his parents live with him, and they know the depths of his illness. After all, he bragged about driving his parents crazy... so I should probably thank Mom&Dad for the fact he leaves me alone. Occasionally, I'll feel melancholy, not so much for what was but for what could've been. The final D&D and the sabotaging of my teaching job destroyed not only the opportunity for a romantic relationship- but just plain old friendship. He rejected me without really knowing me. After the final D&D, he said, "You don't know the real me." By then his mask had come off. He hadn't seen the real me- I was the one repressing my views around him, repressing my happiness. Whenever I greeted him with a smile, he'd snap at me. I used to be sad that I wasn't the one he married... I had dreamt of marriage, family, physical intimacy with him. I USED to feel that sadness. Now I realize I would've been sadder if I had married him a decade ago instead of the OW. The breakup was bad;marriage would've been a disaster. There's a sadness that if it had "worked out", if he hadn't rejected me, it would've been a nightmare.