The ex-Psych professor had disassociation/delusions of grandeur. He thought he WAS Leo Tolstoy! He was eager to rush me into marriage because... it took only a week for his idol Leo to rush Sofia into marriage. He thought that our fights were "wounds of love" (what Leo called the results of his arguments)... and he and I had a similar age difference. Sofia was 18 when she wed the 34 year old Leo. I was 18 when I met the ex-P, he was 32.
I've been reading plenty about the Tolstoys' marriage. Sofia is often accused of being a "drama queen", and "making herself out as a tragic heroine"--but she suffered as a result of being married to a Narc husband. It was all the crazy-making. Sofia lived in horror of her husband's sexual embraces (no woman should be afraid of sex with her spouse);towards the end, she'd be weeping and threatening suicide after sex. It DID drive her nuts. Sam Vaknin would say that Sofia's own narcissism is the "curtain call of the Narc"--the result of being wed for 48 years to Leo. Narcissism is corrosive.
Leo Tolstoy, as an author, was a genius. He was talented. I admire the writing, NOT the man. The ex-P identified with Leo Tolstoy, so much so he made a big deal that his birthday was on September 14th, the day Leo wrote his proposal letter to Sofia. The ex-P isn't famous, nor is he talented. He just thinks he's Tolstoy and is as obsessed with "War and Peace" as those LARPers who dress up as blood elves&dwarf mages.
I'm glad I didn't marry the ex-P. Are there ANY Hallmark cards for that????
Susan, thank you for what you wrote. I am in a bad place right now and am giving all I have, (which is not much right now), to surviving this horrible hurt and pain.
I can't answer this one, but you did! In your post, you answered yourself.
It's all in who you are inside of you. Your not sad about him, the deep sadness is something nagging at you that you need to "listen" too. I am not sure what it is, but I have these sadness periods and I sit with them to HEAR what it REALLY is, usually it is NEVER HIM. It's all inside me.
Do I ever make sense ladies? I feel like I ranted that. lol
You may be on to something, I think part of it is my struggling for so many years by myself, have been divorced for over 15 years now and feeling it all ways, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc, and missing the companionship of a good man and struggle through life with no one by your side, maybe I am being an unrealistic romantic, i dunno know. But I really feel more comfortable sharing life with someone, rather than by myself. I know everyone is different, that is just me...................
I have been out of the relationship for three years now, and I can honestly say it's been quite some time since I have felt deep sadness. I occasionally will feel a touch of sadness, a pang of nostalgia and still a little bit of disbelief regarding what I went through. But those moments come & go very quickly.
I was in the drama for quite some time following the break up and the turning point was removing any connection to him (including the internet!) and starting to focus on myself. When I started focusing on myself, it was amazing how much I had to catch up on... and gotta say it's very liberating when you start living on your own terms. ("following your inner compass" as my therapist would say!)
It sounds like you are on the road to focusing on yourself, and I say keep it up sistah! Feel no shame when you are hanging out by yourself. It's very unhealthy to run into the next relationship when you're not done healing from the previous one. Keep up the good work!
I still feel sad sometimes. My crying jags are down to one every other week or so and are usually brought on by lack of sleep. I'm more angry than anything right now but even that is a subdued kind of anger - more like I'm angry that PDs exist. I'm just as angry about my mother as I am the ExN.
I still miss him sometimes, probably always will. But then I think of the narcissistic sneer that I mistook for attraction and I'm replused.
I'm not holding out hope for finding a good man - I have a good man in my husband but just because he's good doesn't mean the marriage is good. I'm just keeping myself busy, focusing on the stuff I want to do in life and taking each day as it comes. My main area of focus? Being easier on myself. I'm tired of beating myself up.
Hang in there OWML. I know you're still hurting especially after the latest news. But you will be OK and the fresh Montana air will help clear your mind. ;-)
Don't know if I qualify as an old timer? But as far as feeling sad...not so much anymore.
I am actually in a "forgiveness" phase...putting it to rest and sometimes flirt with verbalizing - not for him, but for me...in a perfect scenario in my head, he would shut up, I could say I am sorry for the nasty things I've done...FOR ME, not for him...because I dropped to depths that I shouldn't have...get my final goodbye on and never look over my shoulder again.
I can really really see how pathetic he is - how his "illness" affects him, and it wasn't personal. He is defective.
As for looking for someone, I don't care to be bothered, I want to focus on me, find myself but I have perhaps a more complicated journey because he triggered a lot of other stuff?
So I kinda feel like I have to make up for lost time, and don't necessarily feel like being tied down right now.
I have not spoken with him for over a year and NC since last Feb., I do not still feel the deep sadness. Last May I started seeing a therapist. I have worked very diligently with her on my recovery and have made so many liberating discoveries.
I have not dated, on purpose, because I want to be truly strong,happy and content with my life alone. That is happening. I can honestly say I feel ready to date someone now. But I like my life and would not be so willing, I hope, to give it all up for someone else as I did with him.
It is a long healing process, and figuring out why I stayed in such an abusive situation for so long is really important to me. I think of him, or maybe, the situation I was in with him a lot. But, not deep sadness.
This is MY life, not his. I have had an amazing life so far and want it to continue to be one that I am proud of.
Peace. J
What a great post; what great work you have done. You are an inspiration. I needed to read this now. Thank you!
sincerely (trying hard to stop) spinning
Sofia Tolstoy
Trying to see the light
onwithmylife
blue eyes
No
Yeah, I still feel sad sometimes
OWL
I have not spoken with him
Peace. J
Janet
Wow, Janet...
spinning