What is going on? Why all the hostility?

21 posts / 0 new

#1 Apr 2 - 6PM

sara-smile

What is going on? Why all the hostility?

I've noticed for the last month or so that a fight breaks out on the forums almost daily! What is going on ladies?? I know that we are all stressed out and going through hell everyday to try and recover but WHY do we end up taking it out on each other?

This site has saved me and I've made some wonderful friends here. I don't know what I'd do without it!! About 2 weeks ago I felt like I was being attacked and I left and swore I'd never come back. I was furious and my feelings were hurt! I came back because this place is my lifesaver!

I've been wondering lately if I had seen this kind of behavior when I was new and looking desperately for help would I have signed up? NO! The last thing I wanted was more drama in my life! You've got to wonder if we are keeping people that need us away from this site because of our behavior! There are a few that are gone that I still worry about every day!

We've got to learn that we can NOT always agree with each other. It's impossible. What works for some people may not work for others but that does not mean the other person is WRONG. It just means they see things different! We all deal with this insanity the best way we can and we are here to offer advice and support! We are not therapist so nobody really has a right or wrong answer! We have the best base of knowledge on the internet though because of our EXPERIENCE and we don't need to push people away because WE disagree!!! If you have a problem with somebody send a PRIVATE MESSAGE! Don't put it on the site for the world to see because it scares people! Hell is scares me and I've been here awhile! We are all adults so calling each other names is not even worth addressing. We know better!! Attacking each other is not helping any of us so STOP IT! Please! I can't take it anymore. I need all of you!

I'm sorry if this offends anyone. I really am. If you are offended please email me and let me know. I can take it! I want the newbies to feel comfortable and get the help they need! I want to be able to come here for support and not be scared I'm going to get talked down to!

All of you are amazing and I owe my life to you! I just thought this needed to be said before things get out of control.

Thanks for listening.......Sara

#2 Apr 2 - 8PM

Goldie

Zero tolerance for attacks

I have seen some of this on here, what you would call debates. We do not tolerate hostility on here and if you feel this, please let me know which posts were offensive and trust me, it will be addressed. Sometimes as Sickofit says, someone may say something which triggers us and we take offense because it is true, this is natural. I have felt it myself with people, not so much on here. I only felt attacked once in a year being here and I did address it with Lisa and others privately. There are some who are more into debates than others and maybe we all need to be more mindful of this if it is causing offense. Everyone on here has a right to their opinions and there should not be long debates over what someone feels, we strive more towards acceptance. On occasion though if someone is stuck or not getting the concepts of these disorders we may point on things which they may not be ready to hear. Please do not leave feeling attacked, if you feel this I would much rather you private message me or another moderator with your concerns and the matter will be addressed. I have seen some of what you are describing and have already discussed it with Lisa. Honestly it would help me to have the specifics. This is about recovery and we don't want anyone to ever leave feeling offended. We are here for you. God bless, Goldie

#3 Apr 3 - 12AM (Reply to #20)

sara-smile

Goldie

I said earlier that I think sometimes we feel attacked because we are so emotionally raw to begin with! I don't mean to sound accusing to anyone specifically. I just think that at times things get out of control and people get so caught up in defending what they think that it turns hostile or heated. I was suggesting that maybe we should be more aware when the conversation turns into a heated debate/argument we should take it to private messages or just let it go. If you see someone feels very strong about something that is helping them then why try to talk them out of it or tell them they are wrong if it is helpful? If it's not harmful then why judge or criticize the way they are trying to heal? These ladies on this forum are AMAZING! All of them! I don't mean to suggest that anybody is wrong or to point fingers. I just wanted everybody to take a step back and think before they say something that might be hurtful. I do understand that sometimes things are misunderstood and taken out of context because of our emotional roller coaster and that can't be helped. I appreciate your concern and your willingness to help. I've seen where Lisa has had to step in a few times and I appreciate her seeing when things were getting a little out of control and stepped in to stop it. We are all here for the same reason and I don't feel like anybody should be scared to post or ask questions. This place is literally a lifesaver for a lot of people. Thanks again for your response Goldie! I appreciate it. Sara

#4 Apr 2 - 7PM

Steph

sara-smile

Don't even give that another thought!!! I never took it as pointing fingers at me. Not at all! I just responded cuz I know I have been involved in a few of those events. That's all lol Honestly, your post was not offensive in the least! Hugs to you:) xoxo

#5 Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #18)

sara-smile

staying strong

Are you still leaving?

#6 Apr 2 - 7PM

Steph

Good for you for bringing

Good for you for bringing this up. I have been a part of some of those "fights". I think a large part of it is that non verbal communication accounts for like 90% of communication.....and non verbal doesn't translate over the internet! So, maybe I took someone's words as "harsher" than intended? and vise versa? Or maybe not. Maybe in person, it would have been heated too. Who knows. The issue of "codependence" sparked a defensivness in me for sure.....but I re read most of the related posts, and don't see where I ever said someone was wrong...rather what I said essentialy was to be careful of not pushing ideas on others or assuming that others are in "denial" if they don't agree. This was not an argument over "semantics" as suggested. Anyways, that debate became out of hand and I do apologize for not just letting it go. As far as another hostile post I was involved in....well, it was because I felt the need to stick up for a member that I felt was being harshly judged, in a mean way, from another member. I could have said nothing, but I felt bad for the recepient of the posts and to be 100% honest, I know myself and if this certain incidence happened again and I felt a member was being mistreated....I'd pipe in and do the exact same thing. I have felt several times the need to speak up for a newbie or remind others of what it is like to be in the beginning and not be TOO harsh. I mean there is tuff love, and there is just being cruel. My intentions have only ever been to offer support in a non judgemental way and trying to ease the minds of newbies....to not feel embarrased or stupid, or to blame etc. And to never apologize for their feelings. This has been critiqued as being too "passive". Well, maybe I am....but then other times I'm told I'm "attacking". How can I be both? lol I guess I have felt a few times my intentions have been misinterpreted.....I honeslty don't mean harm to anyone. Never have. I had been previously wondering if maybe I should be moving on from here....I wrote a post about it.....then decided to stay. Being aware I have formed some less than amicable relationships here.....I actually started getting paranoid about other things with my account. Which I have felt pretty dumb about actually. So maybe this is the "sign" I needed to move on?lol. For these reasons, I am no longer going to be posting here. For those that have been here for awhile, I thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart because without you and this site (thanks Lisa), I would still be a mess. That I know for sure. I wish EVERY single person here health and healing:)

#7 Apr 3 - 1AM (Reply to #16)

ImStrong

I beleive theres a lot of

I beleive theres a lot of drama seekers who disguise themselves as nice or caring..individuals who determine in there heads what is right or wrong or in strong case she determined what is mean or cruel... That can be drama..where all adults here and being a third party or disguised hero doesnt help the situation it only erupts it and causes damage..where no bodies mother or father on here if a person feels they are being treated cruel..that person does not need a third party or disguised hero to save them..they can deal with the problem themselves as an adult... Trying to call someones point of view cruel is not anyones place or authorituy..that I believe causes a erupt of drama.. Usually this person starts there drama then leaves but not after painting them selves as the "good girl or victim or good girl trying to help"..unlike everyone here im not feared or scared..i am Aware..i feel if you are causing this type of excitement and false heroism on the boards maybe you should consider leaving..

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#8 Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #11)

sara-smile

Hang on stayingstrong!

I hope you didn't think I was pointing fingers! I was IN NO WAY pointing fingers. I've been involved too when I got mad so please don't think I"m pointing any fingers are you! I hope it didn't come across that way! Please don't go. You are one of those of has been around for awhile that is very helpful. You have years of experience that is helpful. If you feel like you must then that is what YOU need to do for yourself. Please don't do it because of the fighting. We are all guilty of getting heated or mad or taking up for others. Sometimes it's hard to express yourself in just words and they come across wrong and that is my problem at times. I got so mad our upset that I type all wrong! LMAO! Please don't go! Sara

#9 Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

gettinbetter

Oh Lord here we go again.....

Everyone take a chill pill. Sara betcha you wishing you hadnt brought this up LOL LOL. No Im just teasing ya. You know that girl!:)

#10 Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #13)

sara-smile

SOI

I'm really not because I think it needs to be said!! Everybody seems on edge or something and it makes me feel like my support system is going to go away or fall apart. I wish we could get to the bottom of what is going on! I know we are stressed out and on edge because of the trauma and abuse but we shouldn't attack each other. If we feel like someone is attacking us we should stop and ask questions before we attack back! OR TAKE IT PRIVATE MESSAGES! I just thought it would help but maybe you are right. Maybe it will just start another fight?

#11 Apr 3 - 7AM (Reply to #15)

gettinbetter

I was only teasing you

I was only teasing you sweets. Just trying to lighten the mood. No worries :)

#12 Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #14)

Steph

No fighting from my end,

No fighting from my end, sara! And thanks again...i responded to other comment above:) I didn't intend for my first comment here to come across as anything that warranted a "here we go again" lol. SOI - all the best to you:)

#13 Apr 2 - 6PM

kerellen

thanks

i totally agree with you. when i first arrived at this site being somewhat naive about this whole idea of narcissism, etc. i felt a bit attacked just because i wasn't ready to accept certain opinions. i almost left but i stayed because i have learned so much. your posts are always very heartfelt, sometimes gut wrenching, yet always honest. i get a lot of strength from your posts and sometimes they make me cry especially the one earlier today. i couldn't even reply back cuz i could feel your pain. sent some positive energy your way through a little prayer. hope you caught it. anyway, just thanks and hang in there sister.

#14 Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

sara-smile

kerellen

Thank you so much! You don't know how much those words mean to me. Now you've made me cry! LOL!! If nothing else comes out of this HELL that we are living in at least we can help each other. I think we all feel attacked because we are so raw with emotion that we are on the brink of freaking out most of the time........OK well I'm on the brink of freaking out most of the time so I snap QUICK! Sometimes I think I just want somebody to yell at since I can't yell at Narc Boy?? I don't know. I think sometimes our words are taken out of context because we type everything instead actually talking! Thank you for the positive energy and prayers. I appreciate it SO MUCH! Today is one of those days where I think I might explode! LOL! Thank you again! Sara

#15 Apr 3 - 9AM (Reply to #6)

Hunter

Sara Smile

You Freaking out?? NO….. OXOX Idealk

#16 Apr 3 - 10AM (Reply to #7)

sara-smile

idealk

I know! Me freak out? Its so hard to believe! Haaaaaaa! I feel a good one coming on tomorrow! Don't forget you are on crisis stand-by! :) Love you! Sara

#17 Apr 3 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

Hunter

You have my number. Leave all

You have my number. Leave all sharp weapons at home. Idealk

#18 Apr 3 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

sara-smile

ideak

Damn! Ok!

#19 Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

gettinbetter

Kerellen

When you felt attacked did it motivate you somewhat to do something almost to erect a boundary?:) Sometimes this is exactly what we need. Something or someone to get us pissed off to go in search of answers. You see we can all come here day after day and go over and over how bad they were to us but it doesnt do any good. It does nothing but keep you in victim mode. Now I will say this... When you are new to this you absolutely have to go thru the process of victim mode. We are victims and we need to feel it but there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough I have to take control of my life. Sometimes its takes something uncomfortable to do it. I have also notice that that which makes us most uncomfortable has truth in it for us. Not always but alot of the time. So I say if something offends you and you want to fight back that is a good sign however I would suggest that you examine why you have that feeling of wanting to fight back. Just sit with the idea of is any of this true for me really? I bet more times that not if we are truly being emotionally honest with ourselves it does and thats what cause the anxiety. I was just wondering if you felt that any of this was true for you?

#20 Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

kerellen

really???

fight, i just don't get that?? i don't come to this site for people to get pissy with me. i actually come here to become motivated by people who are inspirational in their quest to overcome a truly fucked up relationship that most people cannot relate to. thats why. what is the point of offending people? i feel as if you misinterpreted my post cuz i am not into getting into bitch fests with people just trying to understand and move through this phase of life with dignity and honesty and not at all in victim mode. cuz i surely don't feel like a victim.

#21 Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

gettinbetter

huh?

I guess I missed something. I think maybe you thought I was directing this at you personally. I wasnt just merely asking an opinion. I was merely saying that I had someone on here suggest something to me that completely offended me. So much so that it sent me into some isolation for a time but as the months of have I have realized that it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I was defensive because it was the truth. I didnt want to admit it but it was. So for me I want to know if someone is seeing something that I dont see or want to see. In my case it was my low self esteem that i refused to admit that I had because I was so disconnected from myself. So I thank for someone that pushed me because I would have never gotten to the bottom of it I know I wouldnt have.

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