days I want to go back so the pain goes away

I'm sorry you are having such a setback...but you do know that the reality is that the pain won't really go away now that you know the truth and the blinders are off... I wish you strength and peace and calm during this moment. He is PAIN...it won't go away...that is the illusion speaking to you. Hugs....

Still want to wish this idiot a happy birthday?? How are you feeling about this post now? He's a Narc Assclown :) ( that's my favorite) Idealk

I remember your story from a few months ago. I'm sending you a hug from far away. :=) Something that dawned on me today. Really dawned on me. Why do many of us MISS these people? Why do we stay with these people? I think for me. If I'm totally honest. I grew up with someone who berated me and verbally abused me...for years. In my esteem forming years. (10 yrs of age +) I didn't have a positive role model, after my dad passed away. This man took over. He made me feel so small. It is quite easy to believe those horrible words about myself, out of the mouth of men. But what's more. I yearn for an apology from the guy who hurt me growing up...that I will NEVER get from him. So, when men (narcs) treat me the way he somewhat did...when they apologize? I'm on cloud nine. For a moment, I'm taken back so many years ago, and that little girl feels vindicated. But, it's a lie. Because the guy I wanted to hear it from, will never say it. He's not even in my life anymore. So, I could go through 1000000 narcs...and hear I'm sorry. (empty words for a narc to say) And it will never erase the pain of my childhood. And THAT. Is what I need to work on. Thank you God, for helping me see this today...and bless you Lisa for creating this board for us.

i changed my number. it cost me $10. probably the best $10 i spent, but i also had to tell everybody about my new number. people asked why, change my number for my insurance cos, profiles online (banking etc) etc etc. still a pain. but it also keeps me from making calls to my N from this phone because i don't want him to have it. once he does, i know that if i wanted to change it again, i would have to shell out another $10 and tell people again and go through that again. this helped me. just wanted to throw it out there. now if could figure out how to change my email address w/o losing 10 years of stuff, i would.

I love that someone else has to remove their phone. My car isnt even far enough away. If I'm feeling weak I will leave it at work!!! Even if I might need it I'm not taking this chance. There is nothing that's going to happen besides me breaking NC. If my house catches on fire someone close by will call 911. :)

Please reread this if you get tempted, it kinda says it all. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY you sick predator I hope you choke on the candles you blow out or you catch on fire from them." "You are being too nice and sentimental Happy 1, and God love ya that is only a testament of the kind, loving, giving person that you are" "There is no sentiment when it comes to these disturbed individuals, throw it away, just like the love we gave them they threw away, and betrayed." REMEMBER!! REMEMBER what he did to you!! REMEMBER how often he hurt you!! REMEMBER, don't forget!! God bless, Goldie

Many reasons I stay NC: Trust me I want to call him soooo bad but here are just a few things that would happen: First I dont think he would even answer my call, seriously and that would REALLY put me over the edge, and if he did answer he would be NASTY, and say something very very hurtful to me, something like, gee where have you been have you found someone new to F around on behind your husbands back? This is how he is and this is how his brain thinks, because thru the relationship he rubbed it in many times how I was a sneak and liar and cheater, they are sick clever bastards, he will do the ol shift blame guilty trick on me, or he could do this: What the F are you calling me for? or he could show his fake concern, where have you been, I have been worried about you, then the punishment would come he would see me and WAMO, he would punish and hurt me so bad it would do me in. So quite frankly these fears stop me from ever contacting this bastard, and what would it accomplish, I would be the one that would get further hurt and devalued. I remember a time when I didnt talk to him for 10 days and finally I answered and he said, YOU BETTER ANSWER, for a minute there I thought you found someone else to F, so you see ladies I have gone NC for three months, that is the point of NO RETURN I guess my only response to anything cruel he would say would be, I see you are still a psychopath and hang up but it would be futile, he would just laugh it off and be further pissed. When I changed my number I knew he was saying, huh, she wont last a month, she will be calling begging me to take her back but I am going to make her work for it. Well I gave him a little surprise now didnt I? Its been three months of hell for me but he will never know it, and I told him with NC, TO GO TO HELL and that is where he belongs and that is where he lives and that is where he came from when he entered my life. I WON, he LOST, I beat him at his own sick game. Who gives a rats ass about their birthdays, REALLY? That was just a day that a psychopath was born into the world that about destroyed my life, ya HAPPY BIRTHDAY you sick predator I hope you choke on the candles you blow out or you catch on fire from them. You are being too nice and sentimental Happy 1, and God love ya that is only a testament of the kind, loving, giving person that you are. There is no sentiment when it comes to these disturbed individuals, throw it away, just like the love we gave them they threw away, and betrayed. I sound bitter but I have come too far to look back and want to wish a psychopath happy birthday, I dont wish him happy ANYTHING. I cultivated indifference I dont care if he lives or dies, if he prospers, thrives or fails. I just want to bring you back to reality honey, because that will keep you NC and THAT will save you in the end

I know what you're talking about. I used to have this terrible anxiety when we were still "together" (long distance) and we'd had a fight or something and weren't talking. Any lack of contact for even a short amount of time created anxiety in me that would only subside when I talked to him again. Even if our conversation erupted into an argument, I would feel better than when we were trying to ignore each other. He was addicted to his supply and I was addicted to him. Hang in there and stay strong. It does get easier, although it goes up and down a lot, rather than a continuous steady improvement. I've been NC 3 weeks now and some days are better than others, some are still terrible. But I am making progress nonetheless.