The What-Ifs

the would if's are the story of my life, trust me, it wouldnt matter, would of, could of, should of, what if, all bullshit, they will do what they want to do......i have to stop regretting throwing him out.....if have to accept reality, he wants what he wants, and d and d me contantly in the past twenty five years............

I was the QUEEN of cognitive dissonance (experiencing it, I mean, not causing it!). I still am sometimes. It takes a long time to work through.

I am doing the same thing cause he is hoovering which makes it really hard. But I just keep remembering that it is just hoovering. Knowledge IS power. Stay strong and keep saying no.

I am going through this very thing right now. I just posted something along the lines of "what if he loves me" and then I just got another email from him saying that he loves me sooo much. The only thing that I can say to explain the anxiety it is causing in me IS cognitive dissonance. If his past actions and history weren't so bad, I'd just go back to him and believe his words. But wanting to believe his sweet words and KNOWING what i know - to me that is where the cognitive dissonance lies. It also lies in myself - if I went back to him, I know that I would once again be going against my gut feelings. I feel a tremendous pull towards him while he is hoovering.His persistence is really starting to get to me. I am sitting tight - thank god for my therapist. I always use her as a marker - I always say wait until my next meeting to see what she says. It helps for me to walk through what Im thinking with her. At the same time, what I want to do is not matching up with what I now know is bad for me - so cognitive dissonance is definitely causing a lot of tension inside of me. I definitely am wrought with the "what ifs" - all the time now because he is hoovering. Even though I am not responding, I am still allowing his messages to get to me because I still can't help but read his emails.

Ah yea, the what if's and the cognitive dissonance involved in abusive relationships. We've all been there, I think. Yes, every relationship goes through hardships.....but not every relationship involves abuse...emotional or physical. That is beyond a hardship...that is TOXIC. I don't know what the details of your relationship are... what lead you here, to this site on narcissism? I'm guessing, since you are here, you were in a toxic relationship with an abuser, a personality disorder of some sort? Are you second guessing that he is disordered? I don't know how to comment fully, because I don't know where you are at....

I think we all ask ourselves that question. It was that question between darkness and light for me. It's what made it so hard to block his number, cancel our email account and go NC. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Because what if he tries to send me that "I miss you text" that has worked for him for so long? Well he'll get the message he sent to me so many times. It took weighing the truth and the illusion for me. Sure he could be a good boy and we had laughs and felt comfortable together but it got to the point where I was thinking "what if I say how I'm really feeling because I'm feeling used and manipulated". What if turned into I'm saying and I'm saying did not make him happy. What if he can be fixed? Well he can't. I tried to convince myself over and over, over the course of 3 years of hell that he was elevating his history each time we got back together. He was trying harder or doing things different. Truth is he was reading off my signs. Signs that I was less tolerant to accept his excuses, his bullshit and his manipulation so he was trying to play a different card but for the very same reason. To keep me in the hook and gleen what he could from me. Oh sure, a little more work for him but same result. I'd stay stuck and in constant supply. I think the biggest what if for my XN is what if people find out what kind of monster he really is or even think he is? I know for certain it's the one thing that made him sweat, being exposed. I relish the idea that he might be here reading because this MF will know that a lot of other people now know the sick abuse of his that I lived through and survived. There is no love for him here. Ask yourself what if you'd stayed. I do. It's like cleaning your closet. What IF I ever need this shirt again? I literally have garbage bags laying about my house now. That shirt made me feel like shit whenever I wore it and I don't want to wear it again, poof it goes in the bag. Getting dressed in the morning, trying on different things and just having that yuck feeling. I toss it in the bag. When they're full they're off to Sal or Good Will. I'm never going to like I how feel in that shirt, don't know why I bought it in the first place. See ya. Makes finding the things I do like in my closet, the ones that make me feel good about me, so much easier to find.

I went through the "what-ifs" of how I could have done things differently to prevent the final big D & D, before accepting that it wasn't me and there was nothing I could have done. I still struggle with acceptance I suppose. Knowing it and accepting it are two different things. In my case, I really wasn't given a choice. He dumped me overnight and moved on to his new GF, who is an old GF of 25 years ago. I really think if that hadn't happened, I'd still be doing the dance with him and going through more Hell, but only prolonging the inevitable. I wouldn't have been researching this stuff and found this board if I were still with him. But I know it was just a matter of time because he was already seeking/lining up new supply when the old GF re-entered his life.

Yes, I played what if's. I was oddly fascinated in how he was able to decieve me so well. It took me a long time to really accept the truth. I was in disbelief. The CD is messed up and coming to terms with the real him is really unpleasant. You have to read up on it, they can easily get into our heads and take up residence long after they are gone. He is still with me, he is still there at times in my mind like a silent movie. I still have not forgotten him. And I wonder if coming here to this site keeps his memory alive?