insecurity

I was always confident of myself with men and just in general meeting new people. I have lost most of my confidence, socially, from this experience. My ex N never verbally criiticized me, but he kept me at bay emotionally for 10 years. I would always ask why and if there was something wrong with me? he would always say no, it was him... He has made a public display of his new GF on FB after only knowing her a few months. I was with him 10 years and he never wanted photos of us. She is garrish bleached blonde fake this and fake that - I am nicer looking but classic - not a bar lady...he was ashamed of me and proud of someone trashy...how do you think I feel? I never knew he wanted fake and flashy - he always told me I was beautiful, that he was totally attracted to me and I was fine...but I remember I used to dress extra hip and young for him - I must have felt some internal pressure to be fake for him...One time I fell down at his front door wearing high heels because I can't walk in them - I only wore them for him. I am a slim athlete and really don't like to get too flashy but I guess that is what he wanted all along - an uneducated cheap bar lady...g_d I think I was with a low life I had no business being with. If I am honest, I was seduced by his ex-celebrity and sexiness...I knew he was never close to normal yet I persisted trying to have a normal relationhip for 10 years - drove myself crazy with the emotional ups and downs. he would chase then push away = this went on and on. I feel not pretty - I feel used and stupid and I cannot bring myself to think of sex with another man - we were so bonded physically...but he just moved on easily - maybe he already knew the lady in the new city because he used to go on 2 week business trips a few times...

i bet if you wrote down every nasty name he called you.....you would be looking at a list that described HIM....NOT YOU. and if you wrote another list of the great things you THOUGHT you saw in him.....you'd be looking at a list describing YOU. They project their bad qualities on you....accuse you of what they are guilty of......and at the same time they "mirror" your qualities back to you. Try it if you haven't already. get your pen and paper. It seems silly and too easy, but it is true and it works. xoxo

I remember mariline telling me ,like a mother, do not let the Narc occupy free space in your head!It requires a lot of attention and discipline to throw the thoughts out of your head, go do something different, like learn a new activity for example, take a trip to a new place, anything, that gives you the feeling of confidence.

Projective identification is a psychological process whereby the N calls you names, tells you that you are crazy, stupid, fat, ugly, whatever. These are the projections the N flings on you. But then the victim can identify with the projections & believe she is what the N says. It took me awhile to understand this. Even when we know they are hurling projections at us . . . we still can identify with the projection. It is a mindf**k.

you posted this because I certainly feel like this too, but slowly I'm making strides. I hate to get all "Dr. Phil" on you, but keep doing what you're doing...'Fake it til you make it' and all that. It has somewhat worked for me. Every so often, maybe even a couple of times a day, I feel the "old" spinning return. The happy one, the easy-going one, the risk-taker and confident woman. And since I've been acting this way (even when I don't feel it) people have been responding differently to me! Very positively! On a wild chance encounter I even met someone who seems interested and as an added bonus HE'S HOT! Not that I'm getting into anything, I AM NOT, I know it's way too early (almost 6 months NC). I am still somewhat "damaged goods" though he doesn't know that. How nice it is to have healthy interactions, with my co-workers, the store clerk, someone new, etc. It really feels good and it feeds on itself. So Hap, keep plugging along and walking the walk even if you don't feel it yet. Get rid of the negative thoughts as much as possible as soon as possible and just let yourself "be." I know you will be GREAT!! Big hug to you and thank you for starting this post. I believe many of us go through this. sincerely (not) spinning!!!! How do you like that!!!!!

Boy, can I relate to this! I feel exactly the same way, and we both know that it's from our exceptionally dickheaded narcs deliberately doing it to us. I finally got up the nerve to say, To hell iwith it. I'm going to date again. So I signed up for Catholic Match and have four dates lined up. The first one is scheduled for tomorrow and guess what? He cancelled! Like I wasn't unconfident enough! Now I feel like he looked at my photo again or maybe googled me and found some other pictures of me or something and changed his mind. All in my head, I'm sure, but I can't help it. I never had to LOOK for men before, and I certainly didn't have to worry about CHASING them LOL I was the BOMB before I met him! Everyone--guys and girls--said, "You are so beautiful, so amazing, so funny, so much fun, so talented." I feel like shit now, totally unattractive, totally depressing, normal, not special at all. Definitely not me. Now, I know you have all the equipment. Everyone who has met you says that. This is a by product of your relationship. Give yourself a break. You WILL return! hugs!

Hi Happy I know how hard to can be to move forward with all this echoing through your head. I had a similar problem and like you, I needed to find a new job. I gave myself a real talking to and told myself: 'Look ,after what you have been through going through an interview should be a breeze. Look what you've survived. Nothing can frighten you now and you deserve a break' and actually it worked. Sometimes it's hard to ooze confidence but when I stick on my work clothes and muster up a smile, I do begin to feel better. He is one voice. Nobody else sees you like this- his words are designed to keep you down - you wouldn't get an interview if you were not on your way back up! By the way I think anybody who worries about being a good Mum, generally is one!

Happy......your post speaks to me SO much at this time. I could have written this post myself today. I am feeling the same way. I used to be confident, independent, bright and bubbly.....I'm just a shadow of the person I used to be. Narcette's words and the mindgames she played with me for the past 3 years have done a number on my self esteem. I don't trust myself to interpret other people's actions and words. In fact, this issue has been hard for me on this board in that it's hard for me to deal well with constructive criticism. I know how you feel about losing precious time with your son....I have four kids and feel the same. I have been thinking a lot....and I'll just keep moving forward, stay NC and do things that fill me up. I hope with time I'll resemble the beautiful woman I used to be. I'm thinking of you today....sending you positive healing vibes.....hugs for you :) ~KG

Geeze!!!!! Stop it! Mr.M is the biggest dick narc on here.I've had the pleasure of seeing him in action. His words are exactly what he feels about himself. He is Evil! As for kiddy hes a healthy well adjusted kid and that reflects on the parenting! You are hot stuff!!!! Hunter