what worked for me in the early days (which you're in and they're HELL) is take it minute by minute then hour by hour. I told myself 'well if I still feel like trying to find him in an hour, I'll do it' For the minute part, I'd distract myself with work or sweeping the floor or something and say the same thing. What would happen is time would build on itself and as more time passed I felt less tempted to do anything because I felt stronger in my resolve.
I also made lists. This helped Immensely! I wrote a list of the good he brought to my life and of the bad. Before I knew it the bad was four times longer than the good. It all came out without even trying. I looked at that list every time I thought I "missed him."
I also came here and read to distract. Read the blogs, the threads, etc. It was very smart of you to do the same.
Be easy on yourself. The early days of NC are very tough but it is possible to accomplish it, and the way you will feel about yourself will be amazing.
I'm at almost six months and I'm here to tell you it GETS SO MUCH BETTER! And now since I'm doing the work and committed to healing, good things are starting to happen. People notice I've changed...am coming back to life and to my "old self" again! It's still not a cake walk, but it does get better. I promise.
I hope this helps. Take it a few minutes at a time and let your power build. We're all here for you.
Most sincerely (not) spinning (at least not today!!!)
Thanks for the suggestions. I've done the list thing before (4 pages of bad vs. 1 page of good), but so much has happened since then that it would probably do me some good to write out a fresh list.
I tend to act on impulse. I'll be going about my day, ruminating over our last few words exchanged, and then ding! I suddenly have this intense urge to tell him something. Usually it's something that I think will hurt his feelings, or get my point across, or make him feel sorry... but it NEVER turns out that way. He either gives me a one-word response or no response at all. I tried your suggestion just an hour ago. I had a very hateful message I wanted to send him. I wrote it down, told myself to check back in an hour and see if I still wanted to send it. An hour later, I had forgotten about that message. Looking at it now, it would've been foolish and would've only made him feel more smug, and me worse.
Great work! Just keep doing that hour by hour thing. You're so right about making them feel smug and you feel worse. Starve the beast. No more supply from you!! He doesn't need to know he's on your mind! That's what I tell myself!! For all he knows I don't even think of him...the longer I stay NC the less he really knows how much the whole thing troubles me.
Way to go, deec! You'll get help and support here. Keep posting when you feel tempted.
Big hug to you!
Sincerely (not) spinning (at least not today...and it feels pretty good!)
i broke nc at least 3 times, and he ignored me every time, it made me feel worse,and i just went back to anger and crying all over again .... he has been silent for over 2 months now .... and im 2 weeks into NC again ... its so hard to let go ... but i know i will have too, he is so wicked and cruel i dont know why i even want to contact him, i feel like he hates me .... hurts like hell !
I'm sorry... I'm right there with ya. I keep burying myself in unanswered texts, emails, etc. At some point we just have to draw the line. Just imagine him sitting at the other end with his ego inflating with every attempt at contact... and then him LAUGHING as he tosses his phone aside and goes back to his other supply. We're feeding the beast.
deec, I'm no expert but
spinning
Thanks for the suggestions.
Right on, deec!!!
spinning
I BROKE NC 3 TIMES
I'm sorry... I'm right there