Anyone else having a lot of trouble with NC?

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#1 Apr 25 - 11AM

deecbee

Anyone else having a lot of trouble with NC?

I feel like I’m back at square one. I opened the lines of communication last week. I needed some stuff back and sent him a message on FB. Needless to say, nothing got accomplished but a lot of arguing and more hurtful comments on his end. He spoke more freely about his OW (at first he had said that she didn’t acknowledge his existence at all… then suddenly he changed his mind and made it sound like she was madly in love with him, so who knows). He was also very disrespectful and asked me to come by for a “quickie” since she was out of town.

I didn’t give him the satisfaction of falling for his little game, and called him out on his behavior every opportunity I got. Then, as soon as the OW got back into town, he made it a point to ignore me completely. Even my messages regarding getting my stuff back—ignore. So, in a way, I’ve been d&d’d again. Wow. Never thought I’d let myself get back here again. I don’t love him or care about him anymore, but it still hurts to be given the cold shoulder all over again.

I don’t need or want my stuff. I need to get back on track and go FULL NC. I don’t think I’ve managed to get past 7 days. I always screw up. This is so hard for me, I don’t know why I need to remind him of my existence… anyone else having/had trouble with NC? Can we share some tips or comments for getting through those moments of weakness? I really can’t afford to break it again. He’s already had the last laugh enough times.

#2 Apr 28 - 5PM

deecbee

I was marking down a calendar

I was marking down a calendar today with 30, 60, 90 day etc milestones and noticed that my 200 day mark falls on 11/11/11. 11's have followed me everywhere since my childhood. I see them EVERYWHERE and it's what got me into numerology. Anyone who knows numerology knows 11's are extremely lucky, and they have proven to be so for me. It's a weird, supernatural thing that I can't quite explain. But that fact that day #200 of NC will be on 11/11/11 at 1:00pm is VERY important and encouraging to me. At the same time, it makes me a little sad because we had an inside joke about 11's, and he'd send texts at 11:11 because he knew.... ugh I'm sticking to it!!!

#3 Apr 28 - 3PM

terri

A couple of insights that I

A couple of insights that I can offer about NC (I've been NC for about 9 months now) is that it WILL be a painful and extremely anxiety-ridden experience. Knowing that as you go through it may help you stay the course and not give in to the overwhelming desire to reach out or accept their contacts. But, also know that as you get through a certain amount of time (varies for everyone) it does get much easier. The sadness lifts, the anxiety turns to calm and more ability to focus, and life just gets easier and lighter. I can remember feeling physically sick and shaky day after day. I coudn't think about anything else for very long and I just had this overwhelming need to hear from him or talk to him. The one thing that I did that helped tremendously was to write in a journal or just on a notepad all of the hurtful experiences - you know, the ones that were just gut-wrenching - over the years of being with him. It helped me at the time to get it out of my system but it has served me so well over the last several months. I still have days from time to time when I feel sad and get that "maybe" state of mind: maybe he's not really a narc, maybe he can change, maybe I just was too emotional to see clearly, maybe I didn't act the way I should have and that drove him away, maybe maybe maybe...it's all crazy!! As time passes, and you return to your normal kind, caring, rational self, you'll forget the extreme anger and hurt that you're feeling now. You'll probably begin to forgive and forget. THAT'S NORMAL! And that's what the narcs count on. It's easy to come back to you then. THAT WOULD BE A BIG MISTAKE as they won't ever return to normal. Nothing changes with them and you'll just re-enter a new, and worse, phase of hell. NC is really tough - there's no denying that. But it truly is the only way to take your life to a better place.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#4 Apr 28 - 3PM (Reply to #33)

terri

May I say one more

May I say one more thing... The one sure thing that will get you through this is that you absolutely must learn to shift your focus back on YOU. Instead of thinking "who is he with" or "is he thinking about me" or "is he happy with her" or "will I hear from him again" you need to be thinking... "What can I do today that will make me happy?" "What do I want this summer to be like - what can I do now to make sure it's a good summer? "What do I want my future to look like" "What have I done in the past year that I'm really proud of" It's difficult at first because you're programmed (brainwashed) into thinking only about HIM. But, in time, you will begin to focus back on you and you'll start to see results from that new focus in your new day-to-day existence. IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER. And you really do start to feel happy and confident again - it's worth staying NC for. You'll definitely get there!!!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#5 Apr 28 - 5PM (Reply to #34)

deecbee

Thank you. I can't wait

Thank you. I can't wait until I can get myself back. It has been so long that I don't even know who that is anymore :( So much wasted time... it makes me ill. I used to keep a daily journal that I would vent in, but I find that even thinking about all the ways he's wrong me drives me to want to contact him. Actually, I feel more inclined to contact him out of anger than because I miss him. It's better to be angry than to be having good thoughts towards him, but at the same time, it really makes me want to let him have it!!!

#6 Apr 28 - 2PM

dudette

Keeping NC takes real guts

it's a battle of nerves that you are playing against yourself but the better one must win... There no good to come out of contact or dipping of any kind.... you stay in the fog, anxious, confused, wondering what the next drama will be and the part that you will play in it...or of at all. well you will not be the leading lady anymore so why bother? Delete the assclown from your life and start again. It's good for the soul.....

#7 Apr 28 - 5PM (Reply to #30)

deecbee

Good way to put it- a battle

Good way to put it- a battle against myself. I have NO willpower, almost no impulse control, I'm driven by my emotions, so this is a very difficult test. But I am so determined to not let myself down.

#8 Apr 29 - 12PM (Reply to #31)

dudette

decbee

we must absolutely not underestimate how tough real NC/no dipping is and the challenge that it presents in the early days... However, if you can win that battle against yourself then the benefits so much outweigh the early pain....

#9 Apr 26 - 2PM

Tinker

NC = anxiety

i feel just tremendous anxiety at not seeing him...is that what others feel too?? i went 6 weeks but i'm seeing him tonight. as soon as i saw the email all the anxiety i was feeling plummeted. i know it's not good and it'll come back after tonight and i'll have to go thru all this again, but that feeling's so overwheming. not that i'm a role model for success at this point, but i agree with Spinning below, of taking it minute by minute. thinking that i can contact him later or tomorrow has gotten me thru many a bad period, as has coming to this site as a constant reminder. it's so awful with these guys because when we have a really good night, he'll say wonderful things then drops me cold for weeks on end. he can't stand being close. if it's a so-so time, he feels in control and wants to see me, but is distant. there is absolutely no winning. i remember reading, probably here but it's worth repeating, that the greatest chance of being D&D'd is when things are going well, which is why it's so devastating...

#10 Apr 26 - 3PM (Reply to #22)

deecbee

"the greatest chance of being

"the greatest chance of being D&D'd is when things are going well, which is why it's so devastating..." WHY is that? Anyone? It is SO counter-intuitive, yet it seems that's how they all operate. Just goes to show what a twisted universe these creatures live in, that the better things are, the greater chance there is of a discarding. Freaks!

#11 Apr 29 - 8PM (Reply to #28)

Susan32

It happens in "Anna Karenina"

This is a famous literary example. Anna Karenina, who has become a histrionic Narc as a result of being married to the cerebral Narc Alexei, is the most likely to D&D her lover Vronsky when everything seems well. She creates drama. She finds their domesticity as boring as the marriage she escaped. She finds Vronsky as dull as Alexei. In the sideplot about Levin, he's constantly contemplating suicide, even when his wife Kitty is pregnant, and after she's given birth. He's all too ready to abandon his joyful wife&his newborn son. He thinks that because he hasn't found the Meaning of Life through reading Arthur Schopenhauer, he'll kill himself, never mind that he has a wife who embodies the Madonna, and fathered a child. Leo Tolstoy was known to be frequently depressed&suicidal, ESPECIALLY when his wife Sofia was pregnant or had just given birth. When I was happy about the ex-Psych prof's first lecture, he D&D'd me, going around telling my classmates that I was crazy. Wittgenstein's philosophy was something that made him happy... yet he could never discuss Wittgenstein with me... again, silent treatment. And, when it came to my senior class reading "Anna Karenina" instead of "War and Peace",yet it was a form of D&D... unfortunately, I found "Anna" much more applicable to my situation, and was in its own way, a lifesaver in a cosmic way. I remember telling the ex-P that he wasn't worth throwing myself under a train for him. I told him that was self-destruction, NOT love. It's not self-sacrifice.

#12 Apr 26 - 10PM (Reply to #27)

Tinker

deecbee

it IS true, isn't it? things were great b4 xmas and he D&D'd me ON XMAS morning, citing all our differences. then 6 weeks ago, we had a wonderful time, him telling me now he's going to help me with my house and we're going to spend more time together...then nothing until tonight. tonight he wouldn't stay and it pissed me off royally. i said, why would i stay faithful to you when after 6 weeks you want to go home to take care of your DOG?? i'm glad we didn't have a good night, it just would have made it worse....

#13 Apr 26 - 5PM (Reply to #26)

Susan32

When things are going well...

"The better things are, the greater chance there is of a discarding"-By the time of the final D&D, I had gotten comfortable with the ex-Psych prof. Not so much for sex... but I felt ready to be EMOTIONALLY intimate. I'd ask him questions about why he was vegetarian, ask about his father... he'd snap at me, rage... it's like he couldn't stand happiness. He'd claim I was hitting on him sexually (to his colleagues&my classmates), when all I had asked were questions about HIMSELF, and he'd start lecturing me about how I had to act appropriately, he'd be lecturing me till I was publicly sobbing, how he needed emotional distance, etc, etc. I think that when it came to his liaison with the openly gay prof... on the surface, it seemed great. The dandy Southern gentleman had a younger, tanned Californian philosopher boyfriend. What could POSSIBLY go wrong??? Oh, everything. It ended terribly. A discarding is going on in my family right now. My Narc grandmother moved from CA to OR to be close to my parents (she's my maternal grandmother), to settle her finances. In OR, she's close to shopping, a bus stop.. convenient, since she doesn't have a car. She really can't drive&now has Alzheimer's. Recently, she said she wants to return to CA. She's been packing. Her new place isn't convenient at all... but there's so much drama.

#14 Apr 26 - 4PM (Reply to #25)

onwithmylife

Deecbee

it happens when things are going well for both of you is because they are TERRIFIED of intimacy and I believe that stems from bad parenting by the mother either smothering. doting on the little boy or abandonment from the mother, not necessarily physical, it can be emotional abandonment, not being loved for the person you are, so from then on his views of women are all askew.mine once told me he was afraid, scared of women, what does that tell you, he takes all his anger/rage out on the women closet to him.

#15 Apr 26 - 3PM (Reply to #23)

Hunter

Dee

Remember they are master manulipators! They work at this! Practice makes perfect. Typically they cycle and I'm figuring out they cycle for a reason! It takes the victim x amount of time to feel better ,then KaPow, Bahm, look out , Batman!! Hunter

#16 Apr 28 - 2PM (Reply to #24)

dudette

I love this

then KaPow, Bahm, look out , Batman!! made me laugh, yes absolutely!

#17 Apr 26 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

Hunter

Marissa

Contact = More anxiety! There is no going back after a D & D! They will try anything to make you even more crazy! Click and delete pary to God and tomorrow is another day! Hunter

#18 Apr 26 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

Happy1

Yes! Contract does = more

Yes! Contract does = more anxiety. I know any time I would reach out to my narc in the past I felt like I was having a heart attack and then the ups and downs all over again. The man made me crazy!

#19 Apr 26 - 3PM (Reply to #20)

deecbee

Yes, that's another thing to

Yes, that's another thing to think about that might help prevent someone from breaking NC. Think about the emotions that follow. They've never been positive. Whenever I've sent a sms and broken NC, my heart drops... I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack every time I check my phone/email/etc to see if there's a response. And when there isn't, it's the most soul-crushing disappointment. Now multiply that little cycle of emotions by 5-6 times a day when checking for a response from him. It really isn't worth it.

#20 Apr 26 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

Happy1

Yep! Not worth the pot they

Yep! Not worth the pot they piss in! Our time is precious!

#21 Apr 25 - 2PM

Veronrose

Deecbee, Yep, I have a hard

Deecbee, Yep, I have a hard time with it. I broke NC last night by text, after 28 days. I did get a response today, 12 hrs later, saying hello and asking how I am. Of course I answered his text, but he hasn't responded again. NC is like trudging uphill on ice....sometimes you slip back. So tomorrow is day 1 for me again. It's just a constant struggle. UGH. I do have to say though, his sister tagged him in a photo today on fb from Easter dinner, him and his woman. I'm so glad I never deleted him from fb, cause seeing that picture was actually good for me. He looked horrible!! And his woman is no treasure either. Not ugly, but skeletal, and OLD! Looks like she needs a couple of cheesburgers. LOL. I know that's not very Christian like. God forgive me. :)

#22 Apr 25 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

deecbee

28 days is good!

28 days is good! Congratulations. Does this slip up at least feel less traumatic than the earlier ones? Was there a certain day or week that you stopped "trying" to do NC and it just came naturally? That's the point I want to get to. Right now I am consciously TRYING to do NC. It takes actual effort. I want to be at the point where NC isn't something I have to think about, I just do it.

#23 Apr 25 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

Veronrose

I'm gonna tell ya dee, it

I'm gonna tell ya dee, it does feel less traumatic, but only because he responded. Many other times he didn't and I'd feel like shit. 28 days was good. I never went that long before. The first week is always the hardest for me. After that I feel stronger, not concentrating on it so much, but now here I sit back at square one. Last night I got weak. I just wanted to open the lines of communication again. I miss him. You know how it is, I don't have to tell you. After awhile, you do just "do it", but you have to expect weak moments and have a game plan....like typing on here instead of your phone. It's not easy. That you know too. Stay NC. No good comes of it. There is no good relationship with these people.

#24 Apr 25 - 1PM

dudette

full NC

in my opinion has been the best thing for me. it a battle of will against youself as there is so much that will have to remain unsaid... However, nearly 6 months unfaltering NC and I feel so much better, I thought I could never feel this way again... it makes all the difference, believe me!!!

#25 Apr 25 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

Veronrose

"a battle of will against

"a battle of will against yourself"....EXACTLY!!! Well said, dudette!!!

#26 Apr 25 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

deecbee

Six months... ahh I'm so

Six months... ahh I'm so impatient!!! A week feels like an eternity. I know one of these days (if I can keep it up), I'll blink and a year will have gone by. I hope. Glad you made it this far. Keep it up :)

#27 Apr 26 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

dudette

thank you

I did spend quite a bit of that time asleep but hey! 6 months without so much as a sms, that's quite a victory over my own willpower... I know that it feels like hell right not and it feels like a long time away but I can promise you that this investment in resilience and self-discipline is totally worth it !!!

#28 Apr 25 - 12PM

Hunter

Been there done that last

Been there done that last Thursday! Say goodbye to him and your stuff! Lesson learned, they say things to hurt, they are full of hate! Stay far away, even calling them out is usless, one big waste of time and energy! You will never win. Hunter

#29 Apr 25 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

deecbee

You're right, there's no

You're right, there's no winning with them. And even if we do 'win' with our words, they just ignore us which definitely makes it all feel like a massive failure. I hate him with every fiber of my being. He is an empty vessel, a monster. I wish i could let the new, young and vulnerable woman in his life know. He even taunted me, "do you want to tell her what i am? Go ahead, do it, i dare you."

#30 Apr 25 - 12PM

SoaperGirl

I broke contact just last night

I had a lot of angry emotions building up. i needed release. So, I sent him the most nasty and hateful email. Now I feel much better! Got it off my chest.

#31 Apr 25 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

deecbee

Sometimes that's necessary.

Sometimes that's necessary. I had that moment a few weeks ago too, when everything "clicked" for me and I had to let him know I knew what his problem was. It felt good for a while because I knew I made him squirm... but since then, I've just buried myself in dozens of unnecessary messages and he knows he's still in control. :(

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