You guys I really, really fu--ed up I am in SUCH bad shape HELP

We’ve also observed how psychopaths brainwash women who have common sense and psychological perspicacity. Once again, they select intelligent women to naive ones because such individuals present more of a challenge in their sadistic power games. We’ve seen how psychopaths use women’s capacity to love and their tenacity–their high emotional investment in the relationship–to keep them on the hook. They lure them with strategic withdrawals and empty promises to improve, which are belied by consistent, though often hidden, abuse. They dangle whatever women want most in life before their eyes–true love, fidelity, commitment, a happy life together, returning to the romantic and exciting honeymoon phase of the relationship–only to make conditional demands, that erode their partners’ dignity and self-respect. On the positive side, even if you’ve spent many years with a psychopath, you can escape this toxic relationship. Chances are, you used to be a strong person. In previous posts we’ve seen that psychopaths prefer to seduce extraverted, accomplished and confident women. They could easily prey upon passive and weak women. But they prefer the challenge of destroying a strong person instead. We’ve seen how psychopaths use their partners’ strengths against them. They use women’s trust to deceive and cheat on them as well as, more generally, to play mind games. They isolate previously sociable women. They undermine the confidence of women with high self-esteem by focusing on their real or imaginary weaknesses. It’s not unusual to develop neuroses, post-traumatic stress disorder and eating disorders while involved with a psychopath. He will even cultivate those maladies, and lead you to focus obsessively on them rather than on your strengths and achievements, to keep you under his thumb. FROM ME: i had an epiphany last night thru the pain of day 1 NC that: it happened - i need to learn from it, but also just to accept it. when i accept it, i can let it go and be at peace. i do have boundary issues and believe when u don't learn it once, life shoves it in your face so you learn next time. Also, i am not responsible for his taking advantage of my boundaries, nor of being so smart and capable that i was such a challenge to him! let's all have a peaceful weekend:)

he doesn't hate u, he just can't resist the opportunity to mess with you. their ego and self esteem are so tiny-tiny-tiny that seeing you react gives him a sick lift. u didn't f'up at all. you can't help thinking like a feeling rational caring human! let's not give them any more power by continuing to berate ourselves for their sick perspective of the world. i did the exact same thing, dropped off his stuff wednesday - he started texting wed into thurs - it degenerated to nastiness by 1 a.m. - an email from him this a.m. which made me feel sick. back and forth. i FINALLY said "DO NOT CONTACT ME - i will block you" which i was very proud of myself for:) and didn't even get upset despite all the horrible things he's said. I thought, wow, it's finally over, after 3 years...then he emailed me twice on my personal account, then on my work email about half hour ago. if i'm so horrible why bother? if the OW is so "NICE" as he puts it, why bother?? i can run rings around his words, but he takes the cake with nastiness. he wrote that he never respected me, never wanted me. he gave me 2 gifts from Tiffany's last year. hmmm, why do that to someone ur using? maybe it was to manipulate but how could he explain that? he couldnt. yours is so awful to reel you in like that, just saying what u want to hear. we have to remember that EVERY SINGLE THING they say is for effect. they have NO PERSONALITY so nothing to rely on as to who they are or what they want to say so everything is an opportunity to manipulate. i've gotten to where i find it amusing how predictable he is. i want to let it go so i don't care, but i'm obviously not 100% there:). soooo, let's give each other a hug, laugh at their ridiculousness, the folly of being so disordered, and try again to move on. i mean, wasn't it predictable?? i still find myself thinking - "if i only..." or "i should have..." but then get back to the fact that it wasn't me and nothing i could have done would have made him NOT D&D me. nothing!

this is what you needed to do in order to really move on. Sometimes we repeat bad behaviors just to realize again that they really don't offer any thing to us. Nothing changes with them. If he really hates everyone then you will be better served to go put your love and care into someone that will appreciate you and love you back! READ up on the disorder, knowledge is empowering. Repeating the same behavior expecting a different result is the definition of crazy :) move on. take care!

It has a lot to do with connecting the dots for ourselves. Try not to be angry at yourself, because sometimes we need to have the truth drilled into our very being in order to believe it. I am sorry for your pain, please remember though that all you did was entertain a doubt about what your brain has been trying to have you know in your whole body, by being involved in this forum and gaining the narc knowledge. It is a hard truth to accept and a very painful one. I think we all hold onto that desire to be wrong because losing all hope is very sad. BUT with a narc, the ending is always the same and keeps getting harder. I think we only stop when we truly have had enough in order to shake all doubt that they are really disordered. His devaluing and discarding is never really personal, even though it feels like it is every time. SEE the disorder and understand it with all your pain. Really accept it, I promise that it will not hurt as much on the other side of that knowledge. Sorry if I sound like I'm telling you what to do - I don't want to presume anything here. I just know from experience that the intensity of the pain I used to feel has rapidly subsided ever since I chose to see everything he did being guided by his disorder. That is when I stopped blaming myself and accepted him as he is, not a mask of the soul mate I thought he was. Journey on...

Don't be hard on yourself PG why only the other day I thought nice thought about my past with Narc #2 missed him and had to have a long honest conversation with myself. I've been feeling so good lately and was feeling all loving towards the world and everybody, singing along to the radio as I drove to swimming and it just came over me. I HAVE to stay NC from him I couldn't bear to see or talk to him because I know it may well trigger me and I am so far forward(17 months NC) and I am so loving the stage I am at and how good I feel and look that I don't want to give it up to someone who doesn't respect me and treat me with love. He has a PD just like the guy that has hurt you, it will never change you/I might as well just bang our heads on the wall....it would probably hurt less. You will get through this but you MUST,MUST stay NC and protect yourself so that you can heal. (big hug)

Go back to step one, educate yourself on N's and their partners (we play a part in it too.) They play the role of the sadist, and we play the role of the masochist. The question is, why do YOU not feel like you deserve love? HE CANNOT IMPROVE OR CHANGE! Also, please read Lisa'a blog "why we obsess about the N", which I have read so many times now and refer to it when I feel like engaging with my ExN. We are human, we have weaknesses. The problem is what you just did was provide your ExN with a HUGE ego stroke. He's thinking right now, 'yeah I got her. I can have that bitch anytime I want her." You gave up your control. Go NC again immediately. Change your number if you have to. TAKE BACK YOUR POWER! Love yourself, and don't concern yourself with his issues, problems, or hatred. You can do this, you are smarter than this. HUGS!

Just remember throughout all of your ordeal it is not you that has done anything wrong. You have acted in a loving caring way. However he is disordered and it is him who has been horrible to you. It just seems sometimes it takes a while for our heart to catch up with our head - like a delayed reaction! Our heads know these men are toxic, yet our hearts feel love and are maybe in denial that they can really be so awful. The only good thing from this is that maybe you can learn not to go there again. I do feel like the withdrawal from this addiction to these men is so painful sometimes we just cave in. But then it's worse again as they D&D again. I really hope you can move forward from this. We are all here for you and alot of us are feeling the same pain too. Be strong, you deserve better.

What is natural is to go back to that where you feel love especially when the person is going through a difficult time. This is natural for a loving woman to do. What is NOT natural is how they play with our emotions and keep us in a continuous state of self doubt and confusion. They someone keep us on a string until they need or want something we have. We mistake this for love because we have genuine love feelings for them. This is about you not him. This is about your patterns of going back to the "dry well" looking for some water and as we have all learned here, this game is played on their terms not ours. When they feel like telling us they love us that is fine, however, when you jump in and try to make the moves, they don't want to be a party to that because it feels like control to them and they will not be controlled, pure and simple. The more you move towards him the more he backs off and rejects you. The dance of conman, cat and mouse, manipulation. Clearly this is his m/o. He likes to live dangerously and play with people. Is this what you want? Is this what you deserve? He is in a victim state now due to his legal issues, so the first thing he will do is try to feel in control of any part of his life where he still feels in control and that my dear would be you and whomever else he has for supply. Don't take the bait, he is going down and needs to take you down with him emotionally and you need to disengage from this tangled web we call a relationship with a PD. Many prayers and love to you today, you deserve so much better than this. God bless, Goldie

You just want Prince Charming back, we all do, you need to move on as hard as it is, he's turned into a frog! Remember this going forward, do you don't do it again! Hunter

I'd never throw stones at anyone for slipping up and going back. I can't even count on all my fingers and toes how many times I did with my particular narc who didn't deserve me (or anyone) in the first place! But I am determined never to do so again. NC is so important and so is keeping off FB. I hate FB, I swear I do. It's just so horrible. Give FB the NC treatment, like you would a narc. {hugs to you}

I agree with Happy...we all have limits. I think this is why NC is so important to healing. In the silence. In the quiet...we grow. We become who we once were...but maybe even better! I don't want to ever be that vulnerable, naive chick again...who fell for a narc like I did. (and the one before him!) NC will bring you peace. But, it takes work and patience. Be kind to yourself. This was a set back, but just temporary. Ignore him going forward. He got supply from you, and...that's it. Now move on, and know...I'll be praying for you! GET OFF FACEBOOK...IT'S EVIL!!! :P

I'm so sorry! Each one of us has different limits of what we will take. You can't be hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself and do things for you. Try to focus on you now and not this stupid idiot. Hugs

Shit happens..... you got triggered and that happens too... If anything it has now awaken you a little more about the monster that N is.....and may strentghen your resolve to stay NC next time an ugly trigger raises its head.... It will pass, what you really need to think about is your relationship with your H... I know, I am there too.... Good luck with that PG, I understand how tough this is, but the answer no longer lies with N.... Hugs to you and try and have a good week-end Dx

whatever the reason you went back for more you got exactly what he's capable of giving it will not get any better than what he just gave you (not long term) because they CAN'T give more get off the merry go round and let yourself heal, quit picking at the scab or the scar will be a lot worse

how did your couple counseling go, as you mentioned you contacted EXNarc a few days before you were going to counseling.I keep thinking you are reaching out to Narc because you may fear you do not have a relationship with your husband and may not want to face the outcome with him.If deep down you had hopes with your husband ,you would not think of going back to the narc, just a thought.We all have gone back, me more times in 15 years than I can count so no sense in being down on yourself, but I do think you need to focus on whether there is any hope for you and your husband as a couple.

it is done now dont be angry with your self we have all done it, you say you feel like shit this will pass i know and you will get back on the horse. this is a setback but now you can move on hopefully, you will only ever get greif and hurt from him its not worth the pain pg.come here instead he will only ever mess with your mindxx

its twisted and sick, but we have this need for their attention, and yes, they give it and take it, as if they are gods, and they are not, they hate themselves and all those around them, you did nothing wrong, you were feeling needy, and that is fine, today, get strong, know he is a looser and you are far too good for him, let him get sentenced and maybe they will throw the key away.......you did nothing wrong, i will stress this, because you have feeling and needs, sorry to say, he lost you, you didnt lose him, and you will eventually move on and end this horrible sick emotional rollercoaster ride.......xoxo

PG, don't be so hard on yourself. Why do we do it? I can only tell you why I did the same as you: Problems had caught up with me, old ones, new ones. Some things I'd tried to change in my life had not worked. Frustrated and resigned I figured I was as damaged as the N, I might as well have him back. At least I'd regain some good sex. Unlike yours mine welcomed me with open arms and spoilt me rotten. But you know what, all that does not help, because deep down it feels wrong and false. In a way you can be glad yours reminded you of what he is straight away. Please do not beat yourself up. I read about your dysfunctional family and haven't our families taught us to blame ourselves. No more of it, PG. If you ever get tempted to do something like you did again, come here before doing it, okay? Sending you hugs.

I am trying to figure this one out and I don't have anything I can throw your way... First, you do know about these men, what they are, who they are and what they do...you have a very good understanding - a KEEN understanding this I know. So in your case, it's a bit tricky because I'm not sure what motivated you to go from NC to "Let's go away" my best guess is something triggered this. Some radical switch went off in your head and triggered you. There was something I read about "scripts people live" it's in a triangulation thread I posted I believe...something triggered you into re-playing some kind of script, but I don't think it's about HIM, I think it was about something else but he was the "perfect" person for you to pull up to help replay that script. Again, just speculation, but wondering if you think that you could pinpoint what you think made you reach out to him knowing what you know and having made some decent progress up until this point. As far as beating yourself up, why bother? It happens and we move on...so you effed up big deal, who doesn't? I can say with authority this in now way can or would ever trump his Eff UP - so get back on the wagon, lick your wounds, he delivered - he was predictable, textbook and he helped confirm and validate what we know, and really, in the grand scheme of things, he's probably not even thinking about it? I find that sometimes we get flustered not only cause we broke our word to ourselves, but because of what they think...but the reality is that even if in OUR MINDS we've made the biggest assholes of ourselves *which I don't think we did we just have some unresolved HUMAN feelings* Narcs are so self centered, they lack the depth to even really be able to "judge" us cause they're too busy thinking about themselves! Hugs and hope you feel better - don't put yourself down or beat up on yourself - there is a whole world out there that is so ready willing and able to do it that we should NEVER make their job easier...

I dont know why we go back for a second or third look , i guess its because what we are learning is so "out there" its difficult to believe in the condition let alone we are victums of a psycopath . They will engage you in conversations where you end up saying i love you and you think you will get an i love you back but what they say is "well i dont love you " its a sick little game which makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside .. its called "shame dumping " and the narc gets his sadist kicks from it. Mine would dump me then a few days later call me to ask me to go over there so i would and when i got there he would dump me again .. as if once was not enough . Or he would dump me and a couple of days later he would im me ask me how i was doing i would say "terrible" and he would say "youre still dumped " .. its just about the most twisted thing you can do to someone. its just like the cat playing with the mouse . Dont beat youre self up over it as we have all done it , just one little text and you can be back in the game with them .. NC NC NC .. xxx

They are just the lowest of the low ... he really is a scum bag,i feel so sorry for you cos i know how you feel,i still want to contact my narc but have been NC for 2 months now,and i still miss him so much... as for face book,he unfriended me,and was talking to everyone and leaving me out,i am in the silent treatment which hurts like hell... so i put i block on him,because i couldnt take it anymore !!... i cry everyday,and feel like im in a black hole... but im trying to get better,you are not alone in what you feel,and im thinking of you .... candy xx