Need words of affirmation

19 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 25 - 10AM

justwantpeace

Need words of affirmation

Barbara Can I ask? maybe I am reading something into nothing. I dont want to panic or imagine things. What if I am wrong and he is just trying to keep it to child and really wants to be a part of childs life. Do you really think he is staging his return?

Am I reading into the signs. The he just wants son to be happy and peace right now, apologizing to me and he feels bad for hurting me, and not arguing or picking at me, and promising to try harder not to argue with me, and not wanting me to take anything wrong. Could he just be wanting to be civil and try to end things on good terms so he can be there more for son. then again he doesnt need to be coming to my house to show son we can be civil.

For some reason I am having a downer day. Im second guessing myself and dont know why. Today I am just feeling really confused and dont know why this has hit me all of a sudden. I havent seen him and havent talked to him and was feeling great yesterday.

#2 Sep 29 - 7PM

Carolyn

Write your feelings down and

Write your feelings down and seal the envelope. then after he acts out take it out and look. these master manipulators and controllers are magic at bringing people back into their game on their word that their actions will change. They don't change as much of this is a genetic disorder and they have no capacity to change. it is normal for you to want to have a harmonious relationship with your child's father but this time make it clear to yourself that if the behavior goes to emotional abuse again, you open the envelope read what 'hook' he uses to hook you back in then do no conact. you are doing your best you are just up against something that is very hard to deal with. your new life is around the corner and will be great once you get away from the negativity and abuse. You deserve better.

#3 Sep 25 - 10AM

justwantpeace

Then he is still trying to

Then he is still trying to convince me he isnt going anywhere with anyone and doesnt have a girlfriend and telling son this to. Today is one of those days Im ready for it to end.

#4 Sep 25 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

Barbara (not verified)

justwantpeace

I suggest you go back and read your old posts. "he FEELS bad for hurting you" let's see... what's he done in the last few months - boundary violations galore - harassing calls - harassing you at church with mother - coming to B'day after you asked him NOT to etc etc this is NOT the behavior of someone who "just wants son happy" and "FEELS bad for hurting you" is it? ALWAYS WATCH THEIR ACTIONS NEVER THEIR WORDS now, do YOU Think he's staging his return? After years of marriage to this critter - be HONEST with yourself and stop being such a "NICE GIRL" and giving this animal who cheated on you the "BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT!" http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/01/healthy-love-what-world http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2006/11/is-there-good-in-everyone.html http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/05/07/doormat-syndrome http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/09/12/enforcing-boundaries http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/09/03/hurting-you-isnt-something-narcissists-do-accident Would a healthy, respectful man violate boundaries even though you have REPEATEDLY asked him to leave you alone? This has NOTHING to do with him FEELING anything - it has to do with him NEEDING TO CONTROL YOU!!! think about it... HONESTLY. and listen to what your GUT is telling you instead of questioning it, like you were TRAINED TO for YEARS. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#5 Sep 25 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

dolce (not verified)

The only way I know of to

The only way I know of to get stronger and past all this is to face those horrible times. Times of sadness, uncertainty and doubt. Try doing this. NOTHING! Yes, try doing nothing about how you feel and think right now. Put it on the back burner. Keep no contact. Say to yourself, "if I still doubt myself in say, 2 weeks, I'll rethink this." This buys you time to let those feelings pass without getting you invested in any one response to him. ~Free to Be~

#6 Sep 25 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

agilitysb (not verified)

3 steps forward 2 steps back

I do not know why I cannot detach myself from a person who has brought my children and myself so much mental abuse over the course of our marriage. Some days when I do not think about her I feel like I am on top of the world and can accomplish anything, other days I feel so depressed. I try to remember how it felt when she left...it was liberating....but in time you start to miss the person you spent so much time with. When she is gone I miss her, when she shows up at the house I do not want to be with her. It is the strangest feeling. My therapist says that I am in love with the fantasy of how I wanted my marriage to be and not with the person she truly is. I also have a hard time thinking of how could she be happy with someone else when I did everything humanly possible to make her happy....and nothing was ever good enough. I feel so depressed today...we are almost finished with our divorce but she had to email me and say that I am extremely handsome, a real good man and was a good provider, everything perfect.....but we weren't compatible.....We weren't compatible because I didn't accept her verbal abuse, her jealousy, her controlling and always needing to be right AND never taking responsibility for obvious things that she had done. I feel so empty and alone and it has been 15 months since she has left....I want to get over this and move on...like she did. Sorry about the rambling and stealing your thunder but I am so depressed today that I want to cry....but I am at work.

#7 Sep 29 - 7PM (Reply to #17)

NanC (not verified)

Hope your doing better!

Think about it...What exactly are you missing??? If you're like the rest of us, there were probably more bad times than good times. It is soooo stressful living with someone like them. Look at all the compliments she gave you. You're handsome, a good man, a good provider, everything perfect...geez, she's crazy! Women would kill for a man like you. Pull yourself together mister! I know you love her but you're inlove with a fake! She is not real! They aren't even capable of being honest with themselves much less anyone else. I know its hard. I've done stupid stuff like call my exN and ask, "why couldn't you love me? I am the mother of your only child. I would have died for you!" His response was, "we're not compatible". In reality, they are not compatible with anyone. I haven't read your story but if she is in a relationship, it's not going to last. She will just move on to the next. When I first found this website, I thought I was going to DIE! I was so torn up. But reading everybody's stories and comments makes me realize that IT IS THEM, NOT US! It also makes you realize (and makes you sad) that there is no hope for people like them. When he left me, I thought, I don't care if he doesn't change. I will take him anyway I can have him...but in reality, I really didn't want him. I don't want to live like that and be someone's doormat forever. I deserve more. It's amazing but time does change the way you feel. I know you don't care about this right now, BUT this is the God honest truth, there are tons of women who are looking for a good guy. If you give yourself a chance, you will meet plenty of nice women out there and then you are going to know what it's like to be appreciated and feel loved back. Don't sit at home, go out with your buddies and have a beer. I guarantee you, it won't be long before you meet someone interesting.

#8 Sep 25 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

Barbara (not verified)

agilitysb - hang in there!

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/29/process-detaching-narcissist http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/17/recovering-someone-npd ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#9 Sep 25 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

dolce (not verified)

agilitysb

I understand this. Somedays I miss my pretend husband but when I ask myself if I would want him back in my life the answer is always NO WAY! Somedays, the colliding of these two feelings causes a foggy brain.Sometimes I am sad too. But like everything else I know "this too shall pass". ~Free to Be~

#10 Sep 25 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

grossot

I can relate. I feel for you

I can relate. I feel for you all. Days like this take too long. I can tell you this is the first time in my life I don't feel guilty for buying something for myself or taking some time for myself. I hope you all can do this guilt free especially on days you feel completely lost and confused. I just wish people could see him unveiled like I now do althogh I don't want anyone to hurt this bad. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#11 Sep 25 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

Barbara (not verified)

purchasing things for YOURSELF

this is the first time in my life I don't feel guilty for buying something for myself Back when I was well and working - I used to go with 2 girlfriends to the local outlet center every 2-3 months to keep my wardrobe AND exNH's upgraded! I used to bring home the bags and hide everything but a few things in my neighbor's apartment. I'd go over later when he was out somewhere, clip off the tags and hang them up or put them in my drawers. I no longer have to HIDE legitimate shopping from him. What ADULT should live like that, right? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#12 Sep 25 - 6PM (Reply to #15)

agilitysb (not verified)

I can relate!!

My ex would by at least 2 pairs of tennis shoes for her son every month...My 2 kids would wait until there were holes in the soles before they asked me for a new pair....every 6 months...when we got home she would say "Oh, I see you bought your kids new shoes" like they didn't deserve them...it was amazing how she tried to make me feel guilty for buying my kids shoes or clothes every few months. One time I went to Costco and bought my favorite Jalapeno sausage and she yelled at me for being selfish and buying something I liked.....I thought that I worked hard and deserved something once in a while, I was flabergasted!! She could go to Ross and buy out the store because everything was "Cheap", clothes that she would never wear!!! I never complained but I thought it was selfish/crazy behavior. I too had bought things for my children and asked them to hide it in fear of an unnecessary episode....but if it was for her son, it was ok. Like buying $200.00 ring tones for his cell phone...I would tell her and she didn't care.....

#13 Sep 25 - 6PM (Reply to #13)

dolce (not verified)

After months and months of

After months and months of feeling like a victim because of how he emptied our bank account on his way out of town..yesterday I took myself to a movie and even bought a few shirts at a very good sale. I felt normal again. I needed that and also didnt care if I put it on my credit card. I deserve it for all I've been going through and it was a gift I gave to myself. ~Free to Be~

#14 Sep 25 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

agilitysb (not verified)

Deceitful Acts....

My wife would take out cash advances on her credit card and send the money to Colombia and then cry poverty when the monthly statement came in every month, she also sold her home in Colombia right under my nose, I knew something was going on but I didn't know enough Spanish to realize it at the time....of course the money stayed in Colombia, the funny thing is that I did not want her money, what offended me was that she couldn't tell me what she was doing. The other funny part was that I had owned my home prior to marriage and she demanded that I put her on half the title along with everything else I owned prior to marriage. I thought that it was strange that she demanded this from me but offered nothing to me....I put her on half of everything that I/We purchased during the marriage but that wasn't enough...she wanted the house I purchased before marriage. If she was sweet and kind and sincere (Loving) not an "N" I would have happily given her everything. It was just her sense of entitlement that made me not do it. I listened to it for 5 years.....but I stood my ground.

#15 Sep 25 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

grossot

You must have known what his

You must have known what his rage would be like if he knew about the clothes. Now, thanks to this site and book after book, I realize that I was financially abused. He was good. I always thought I was a bad person for spending any money. But I couldn't see his major spending....for himself, himself, himself! ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#16 Sep 25 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

grossot

come to think of it

I couldn't even buy groceries for our family without him blaming me for spending too much - he took over that chore. ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#17 Sep 25 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

spending money

I still get yelled at when he has a chance, about how much I spend on groceries. If he buys anything it's ALWAYS something only HE likes. The kids won't eat and then he RAGES at them while they are with him. He's called them "little pigs" in public (they are anything but) When they tell him they prefer my cooking he says "how much did your mother pay you to say that?" Oh and for years he refused to let me turn on the A/C in the summer. I am very sensitive to the heat, develop rashes and shortness of breath - my doctors TOLD him I need it... but since he pays my utilities he feels he has the right to tell me what temp. my home should be at. I've had to call 911 twice. Even the judge told him to stop it with the A/C and he still does it. I keep blowing him in. He's been told he has to pay a fine soon if he keeps harassing me about it. and YES that's financial abuse. CONTROL - that's all they want. But he has NO PROBLEM having 6-7 pairs of gym/running shoes - all over $100 a piece. And replacing them constantly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#18 Sep 28 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

justwantpeace

I can relate to all of you.

#19 Sep 28 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

justwantpeace

Oh my gosh I can relate to

Oh my gosh I can relate to all of you. I didnt spend and he spent tons of money and if i got mad about what he spent, he would argue. I worked 2 jobs to put him thru college, and its like the more he spent the more i had to work. he never offered. He even said he liked me working 2 jobs at one time, it gave him the freedom he wanted. i learned my lesson the hard way. it was nice to read all of the stories on this thread. it reminded me i wasnt alone in how i was feeling. today i am iritated. we are working on getting some more things in place to help me distance myself from ex. right now all major decisions have to be discussed between us. i dont like that. so this is where i feel bad. but son is buying into ex right now and my therapist isnt surprised. she said i had to let him learn the hard way. son has an end of the year school trip next may. right now ex has to pay 1/2 of all extraciricular activities. i have to let ex hang himself with son. i told son that he needed to make sure and get 2 forms so his dad knows and can pay his part. well he did that and the first payment is due in 30 days. i told son that i will send my half each time but im not asking his dad if he has paid his half nor will i remind him the payments are due. there will be a booth set up at school to ask any questions, ex was provided this info so if he wanted to go. i told son that if his dad doesnt remember to pay his half this will knock him out of going on the trip. he got mad and said if it does i will be angry with dad. to me this sounds horrible because i want to him to go but i really feel he needs to wake up to his dad. if he doesnt get to go then im hoping it will be a big wakeup call. is that wrong of me. i dont want to discuss with ex because he will either ignore me or he will ask me 100 questions. im not looking for that. i want to provide him the details that im required and that be that. if he wants to know anything else, i feel he should do some work and not expect me to do it for him.

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