Mirroring

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 26 - 9PM

alittledark

Mirroring

I know I don't belong here, but in the Steps 1-3 Forum instead, but I wanted to post this link I just came across about mirroring (see bottom of my post).

Some of you know my story and I'm sure have given up on me. I went N/C for a very brief time and was (and still am) so addicted to the N that I could not (and still cannot) let go and move on.

I realize I AM NOT doing the right thing by staying in contact with the N, but my addiction to him affirming me and this fantasy "love" is feeling an emptiness within me. Not only that, but because I am in a constant mind-frame to "please" the N, I just plain out don't want to let go. (It's selfish really...because I want him to fill my needs...even if they are crumbs only.)

I am constantly educating myself and had it not been for Lisa's site I would have probably ended up being that "bunny boiler", lol that Prettypeeved mentioned earlier.

I sincerely know in my heart that this fantasy world will inevitably come crumbling down and maybe even harder than I imagine, but I am going to continue educating myself and telling myself that he is the one sick - not me....but deep down I think I have some of the same issues that my N has with mirroring. I think that is why I stay glued to my computer awaiting his replies to my emails.

Here is the link:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-goulston-md/just-listen----narcissist...

I am a hypocrite I know, but NC is the only and best way to heal. I have already experienced D&D, but am foolish enough to keep going back to my own vomit (so to speak) so one day I expect I will be completely devalued and discarded and left totally bewildered -- I just hope you guys will still accept me with open arms :(

Love you all!!!!!

#2 Jun 27 - 9AM

gettinbetter

ald

There you are. I just thought of you last week wondering how you were doing but couldn't find your email address. So glaf to see you back here. Yes it is a terrible terrible addiction. I realize the narc discarding me is the best thing that happened to me. He caused so much trauma in me that it pushed me to see a therapist which helping a lot. I have had terrible withdrawl symptoms but they are getting less and less. I think when you ard that addicted some catalyst or trauma has to come about to finally get you off the drug. It did for me. It will come it always does with them. Not that I wish any pain for you but sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we can deal with the addiction. Hope you are doing well in other aspects of your life:) good to hear from you

#3 Jun 27 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

alittledark

I'm still around ...unfortunately

but I'm realizing that it's good to stick near to the board to keep from going insane. I'm kinda riding this "ride" out waiting for that big blow to come, but I'm not letting him dictate how I feel about myself. My family is my main focus and I have been staying busy with a career change. The contact with him is minimal (email only)...but man, it's amazing at how much control one person can have on another via email. We don't see each other, text, nor phone...just email and those emails give me a type of "high" that I can't explain...but I know you know what I mean. Just when I think he has secured supply elsewhere I receive an email that blows my mind and then it could be days later that I hear from him. We do exchange ILY's and I will always love him on some level even though I know he isn't capable of loving me. I am very happy for you....to know your mind is that much clearer adds years to your life and makes you more whole. I tried therapy, but the therapist was not experienced with NPD or similar disorders. She was more a marriage counselor. And I know that is not my problem, lol. It's good to hear from you GB....stay on the path because I may need to cry on your shoulder one day soon. Life is a "B" sometimes, but most times I thank God for all my blessings that I overlook. Take care!

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller

#4 Jun 27 - 7AM

wacaet

I don't think you are a

I don't think you are a hypocrite at all. You do know what the best thing to do is, whether you apply that or not is a choice we all make. But at least you are fully aware. Eventually the pain will become too great and NC will be there when you are ready. We all know it never gets any better with these N's. In the meantime, keep reading and keep coming here and making yourself stronger.

#5 Jun 27 - 7AM

Lobo555

Big Glass House

There's no way I'd sit here in my big glass house and throw stones at you! :) I've gone back so many times it's absurd. We all do it -- and that's why we're all here! Welcome back. {{{Big hugs}}}

#6 Jun 27 - 6AM

janine

Moving forward

Why would you call yourself a hypocrite when you are perfectly honest with yourself and with us? Of course you belong here, don't put yourself down. I'm sure your Narc is doing that to you amply. You say you realise you have to get out. So did I from very early on and it took me more than 11 years. No good for my self esteem, when normally I know what I want. It gets better when you apply the same tolerance and patience you give to your partner to yourself. Even when I went back last year it did not undermine my confidence, because I felt it would be the final step towards leaving for good. Like you I'd sensed all along that he was mirroring issues I have. The more aware one becomes of this the less focus is on the Narc. Eventually there is no more point in hanging onto him. It may help to remind yourself that once you have left no new pain gets added. When you despair about yourself remember the old Chinese saying "Don't be afraid to move forward slowly, but be afraid of standing still." Keep moving, you'll get there.

#7 Jun 27 - 4AM

alittledark

Thanks for the support gals

it means a lot especially when I can't talk to anyone else about this addiction. Because I am not on the path forward and healing I don't like to share a lot. But reading everyone's posts helps me to see things as they really are.

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller

#8 Jun 27 - 12AM

LostandFound

A step forward...

is a step away from the N. Posting here, reading up on N's, educating yourself are steps toward a future without the N. We have all been in your shoes at one point or another. Stop belittling yourself and berating yourself - He probably does that enough for both of you. Each step you are taking is one more step toward a future full of love for yourself and a life without all his crap. Keep strong, keep posting. :-)

#9 Jun 27 - 12AM

Done sourcing

Stay here

It is a process. No pain, no gain. Take all the time you need. Please keep writing on this site. Writing really helps me see myself. Keep telling the truth, and you will find your way. You have just as much right here as anyone else. Life is difficult, these narcs are tough, even pros can't spot em, and we keep coming back for more from these narcs, til we don't see any more value in suffering. Here's hoping you stop seeing the value in suffering>

#10 Jun 26 - 11PM

tresor2

Not Wanting to Let Go

I stayed in the same mindset you describe for years and I still feel I'm not totally clear. For me, the fear of letting go had to do with never being loved again. A crumb was better than nothing. Also, a part of me believed the fantasy that one day, we'd be together. Truth of the matter is, that the N moves on quickly(actually, he was never there to begin with) and doesn't care that we're sitting around letting life pass by. Another thing that kept me in there was that the covert abuse through the years eroded my self esteem and I was constantly trying to get it recognition from him. I wanted him to see that I was worthy and good enough. This is how they hook us. Tear us apart and throw us a crumb...standard brainwashing technique and it worked. When they get bored and find OW, they're gone. Hang in there. When the time is right, you'll do what you need to do take care of yourself. It's a serious addiction.

#11 Jun 26 - 9PM

lisalisa47

You will always be accepted sweetie

This isn't easy to go through. Quit "dissin" yourself. ALL of us continue to deal with what the narc in our lives did to us. Even those of us who, for all intents and purposes, have "moved on". I have to admit, although i have a new life, i'm still reeling... Love you girl, you ROCK!

LML

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