major hoovering

I agree with everybody that said it's all about control and the chance to pull out the rug and punish you or have the last laugh. The ONLY time these guys care or bother to follow through with their word is when they are pursuing someone new for supply, before that person is a "sure bet" that they can treat however they please. Anyone else gets used and abused by the N, and they will test their limits on you if they know that they have you wrapped around their finger. He did not give a crap about the date or the time. All he was concerned about was making sure that you agreed to it on HIS terms, and his alone. That right there is supply in and of itself, when we submit to their demands or requests, even if it's something as simple and seemingly innocent as a small change of schedule, as long as the N knows that you're willing to go along with whatever he decided, nothing else matters, including... or should I say, ESPECIALLY not actually keeping the date. It's all about power, control, punishment, manipulation... all these boil down to supply for these assholes. The N did the same things to me. Texted me at 3am saying he wanted to kill himself and to pick up the phone because he needed someone to talk to. What did I do? Called him and listened to him cry and complain for an hour about a disagreement he had with the OW. At the end of the conversation, I told him that I would be there for him as a friend, but that I needed the same thing in return. I told him that sometimes I needed people to cry and complain to. He promised that he'd call me the next night and have a more normal conversation so we could catch up, etc. Didn't hear from him for days. Everything is on their terms and their terms ONLY.

It's all about control. He is upset that he's not in control of you any longer. He found out you had dates Friday and Sunday, and he had to fit into YOUR schedule instead of being in control of everything the way he wants. He's not in control any longer, and this annoys him. That is also why he texted in the middle of your date. He wanted to intrude and bring the attention back onto himself. You had to take your focus off your date, so that you could read his text. He also might possibly damage the date, or any potential you had for a relationship with someone else, with his intrusion. This was the reason he texted. It was a manipulative tactic. He was NOT concerned about what time he was going to meet you the next evening. He was resentful that he had to fit into YOUR schedule. He had no intention of showing up, even when he butted into your date with his text. Control is also why he did not show. He never planned to be there. Please don't make any excuses for him. He does NOT deserve them. He didn't lose his phone, or have a terrible wreck, and OW did not see his texts. He was never planning to show up because ONCE AGAIN it's all about control. You spent the evening wondering where he was and worrying about why he wasn't there. Once again your focus was back on him, and HE was in control. He stood you up, and he PLANNED to do it. If you were confront the jerk, he would come up with a million and one lame excuses about how he "forgot" or he'll have some big dramatic story for why he wasn't there when you agreed. It will also somehow be twisted to be all your fault because you said something to him about standing you up, and you don't believe his lies. One thing to remember about narcs is that they see you as "their property", they will always see you this way. Just because you are no longer together does not change this in the narc's mind. YOU have to enforce the separation of your life from his. That is one of the reasons for No Contact. He is NOT in control of you in any way. YOU are. You are reclaiming control of YOUR life. Do play into his games. Don't text him. Don't email him (or respond to his emails). Don't speak to him. Don't interact with him. It's the only way to get him out of your life, and recover. As long as you have ANY contact with the narc, he will be trying to manipulate you back under his control. You don't need this. You deserve SO much better than this type of treatment. ANY contact with a narc, will allow him an opportunity to toy with you because he wants control of you back. My advice is to go completely NC with this jerk. Work on your own recovery, and put your focus onto yourself. The road to your future happiness is NC. Big hugs to you.

the narc done this to me twice...the first time i kept ringing him, but saying to my self well he is on his way...he never turned up...his excuse...he fell asleep..the second time..he begged me, could he come round, i didnt feel like seeing him, but in the end i said ok...but dont turn your phone off...time got on..i began phoning him..it just rang and rang...he didnt turn up. now ,this wasent a getting back together thing..we hadnt fought and we were still friends, but this time i texted him and said f..k off..that is your lot...i didnt talk to him for months...then i did, i also said, i want to know what that was about those 2 times[myexh used to do this as well]...so here it is...he wanted me to always be a home, he told me if we had been in a relationship..HE WOULDNT HAVE LET ME GO OUT AT ALL[he could tho..lol]..what was so sickening for me about this is it was excactly the same behavior of my exnh...i wasent allowed to move at all.... narc would phone my home and put phone down when i answered, sometime later..he would text saying...i am so glad you are at home..so all is right with my[his ]world....too weird..

Its just what they do. He probably had a better alternative come up so he said to himself I want to do this instead of go see Marissa plus nothing sweeter to Narc than to know you were anticipating his arrival and the disappointment you feel that he didnt show. They love that. Makes them feel important and special. They love to see people get upset that they didnt show for something.

hey there, my xN did the same, we were officially still husband & wife..and he was suppose to be meeting me to get some clothes, another occasion to take his documents, another to get some monetary help..i dun let him decide on the time...when he did..and i say OK for lunch..he will not call or text before lunch, so I went on lunch with my colleagues as per norm, then he will call after lunch nd ask hows the situation? I will reply, dunno..you nvr call so I went ahead with my plans... they LOVED to have your time around them, to feel control. I didn't have a choice becausewe have too many "ties" including our 3 kids together. So if he dun keep to it, I will move ahead, not let him haf his "cake". I dun feel so frustrated after that.

They want a reaction, whether it is positive or negative, it doesn't really matter. He dangled the carrot and you took the bait. More about "dangling" here: http://alexandranouri.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/a-bad-case-of-the-dangles/ My xN would do this too. He wants to see if you are still available to him. I don't mean to be harsh, it's just that I am trying to get the point across. I am sorry that this happened to you it really sucks. I think these two articles might be especially pertinent in your situation. Peace, Rose http://laurakamienski.blogspot.com/2008/11/love-of-narcissist-is-like-desert-oasis.html

Trust me when I say I totally understand the lingering addiction. That's the result of all the brainwashing and bullshit. Anytime you hear from him or are tempted to respond, please count to ten and remind yourself of what hell he put you through. You deserve more than having him continue to get in your head or give in to his requests. The longer you stay away from him and maintain NC the brighter your today and tomorrows will be. Much love :)

I don't think it was revenge. They are sick mind gaming losers. They are looking for supply in any way they can. You are right, he won just by not only having her correspond with him, but she agreed to let him come over. He bailed, but she tried texting him to see what was up. Like I said, he got his kicks and even though she says she is okay, she is sitting there for hours waiting on his ass and wasting her time. They like to do that. Waste everybody's time, love, energy--everything, while they suck the life out of you and try and fill their narc supply tank, which is never going to happen! There is always the OW waiting in the wings no matter who he is with. They don't have the capacity to truly care about anyone or be faithful. They have backup supply so they can replenish whenever they want. Sick bastards.

Oh. And just fyi...this isn't hoovering, in my eyes. What he did was for revenge. Revenge and hoovering...not the same thing. Hoovering doesn't have to lead to the guy/girl wanting us back. Hoovering is about getting new supply from us. What yours did...is exactly how my ex operates. He baits...to get a response. But, it's all about revenge. Perhaps, in his sick head, the revenge comes when I have replied...and that gives him some form of supply. Not sure. Sorry--felt the need to add this.

O.M.G. I am glad you are doing well, because had this happened maybe in your early healing days...this would have been a very tough blow. :=( What a jerk!!!!!! Ugh. These people amaze me. He did all that on purpose. Took all that energy. To gain your trust...you said yes, come by...and that 'yes' from you was all he needed to tell himself...yep, she still wants me. Mission accomplished. Please. I beg of you. Do not under any circumstances...I don't care if his dog died...do not reply to this jackass. You are getting to a better place. Cut this dead weight off of your ankle, and be done with it. All he wants to do, is drag you down. Don't let him. God bless and hang tough!! {{hugs}} WHAT AN ASS!!! UGH.

Any contact gives them supply. Regardless of WHY he has blown off your date, he will still get a sick thrill that he had you going. You can't respond to his emails. It only gives him supply. If you know he is with OW why do it? I couldn't pretend to be my narc's friend, ex-lover (whatever) after all the shit he put me through. NEVER!! I'm still reeling from the whole painful experience, but I don't want him back in any way, shape or form.