To doubt or not to doubt

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#1 Aug 12 - 2AM

greengirl91

To doubt or not to doubt

I`m not sure if this is CD, but yesterday I was looking through some archive stuff from ex N. And there were some songs and stuff, apparently addressed to "death on two legs" woman, that "gives love a bad name" and to whom he suppossedly gave everything, his heart, his soul, and she keeps loving..to brake his heart and hurt him. I knew abou that stuff, but I almost broke into tears reading it again. He called that women the love of his life and stuff.

Now my dillema..was this person a victim of a bigger narc? Did he ever loved? Did he ever had a heart?..total mystery, because the man that I knew, was a cruel and endless "player", who got angry when hearing about love, who drinks, a total nightmare and haotic person. Was he a victim as well?

On the other hand..I think that a person who knew suppossedly the pain of loving someone, of giving someone his everything..he wouldn`t have treated me the way that he did. He would have let me go, set me free. A man who loved more than his life, and knew pain, wouldn`t enjoy inflicting again, and again sadistically, on a poor heart, who dared to knock on his walls..that`s one of the differences.

Last but not least, no matter if this person, was turned this way by a bigger Narc, or by his Mother, or by God knows who, he hurt me tremendously. I simply wanted him to be happy, to know him, I didn`t asked for much in return, seeing his smile was enough. But he punched me, and treated me like a piece of dirt, who will always be at his service. I don`t know whether I will truly understand the reason why he did that to me. Whether it was some weird form of revendge, or he was born like that, who knows. But one thing is for sure..I no longer want this man in my life, not his friends, not anyone who reminds e of him.

I need a person whom I can trust, wake up in the morning and see him there, hug him and kiss him, without being afraid of "what punishment I will receive for that gesture"..in other words, I want my soul to find peace, with someone who will want to give it to me as well. With someone who will deserve this, not who puts me in the seventh place of the line.

Felt the need to share this :-)

#2 Aug 12 - 12PM

fooled no longer

OMG greengirl

This is word for word what my narc pulled on me. I now think they all have one of these. Mine told me he fell in love with an 18 year old, and it was the love of his life. he was married at the time, he tried for 15 years to love his wife but it wasnt supported by the proper feeling he said. He doubted love, he set me up for year to prove love to him... I took the job ... I spent years trying to teach him about unconditional love. I could laugh my head off now at the futility of this. He could never answer for the fact that he didn't divorce his wife and go off with this perfect person. In fact when questioned, he didnt even know where she was or if she eventually married. They only profess "love" the ones who leave them. they suck you in with this promise of being the "one". I now see how he set me up from the beginning to see I could never shape up to the level of this women. Sometimes I think he just made her up.. invented her. even 20 years later he used her name as his email password. They are all the same. Im going to write a book on the tactics, So easy to spot now I know. WHEN IN DOUBT>>> DOUBT DOUBLE!!

#3 Aug 12 - 12PM (Reply to #11)

greengirl91

We become "the one" after

We become "the one" after finally deciding to put an end to the BS!! And then they get into the idealization phase. Blah, blah, blah..they had to be made by the same "master" hadn`t they?..they are all alike, whether they are 20 or 50 :)) I for sure, try to acomodate with "the one that got away" title :-)

#4 Aug 12 - 7AM

Goldie

My experience has been

That most of them have someone from their past that either "got away" or was unattainable. The big "love of their life" and this is why they are the way they are or why they can't love you approprately. According to them. This is all fantacy nonsense and their "excuse." I believe that it is all crap. Just more blaming and living in denial and darkness. Particularly the "addict" Narcs have these "phathom loves" from their dark pasts that no one else can live up to. It's all just another way to keep them comparing and judging you and of course controlling you so you will try even harder to live up to this so called perfect love from their pasts. I say, don't buy into it for one second. It is so easy to say that a fantacy women would make their lives perfect now and because you are not that, then they have to treat you like shit. Comeon, we all know they treated them like shit too or else the "love of their life" never gave them the time of day so who is to say how that would have turned out had they actually been in a real realtionship with her? Well we know how it would have turned out. I think they harp on this shit to keep us down and keep us jealous and to hide behind, because they are incapable of real love. It is all part of the sick game they play. God bless, Goldie

#5 Aug 13 - 12AM (Reply to #9)

Susan32

Speaking of fantasy...

A year after the final D&D (and this might've been in the publication pipeline before I left),the ex-Psych prof published a paper that contained the phrase "Fantasy of Ascent." That describes his frame of mind the best. Living in a fantasy world. An ideal world that doesn't exist. The ex-P didn't compare me to ex-girlfriends or ex-wives (too rooted in the real world, maybe???) but to fictional female characters in "War and Peace." Talk about impossible to live up to because they NEVER had a real flesh-and-blood existence! He'd compare me to Natasha, Helene, Lisa--characters who only exist in a book. The fact that he kept his engagement "private" and has his parents raising his kids-because that's what Prince Andrei does! Reading "War and Peace" was a twisted eye-opener that way. In his eyes, I was the one that "got away" because our relationship never became physical or romantic. He&I never dated, not even on a casual basis. He did everything to make FRIENDSHIP unattainable- be it triangulating with his live-in girlfriend or say that my role as a student made it that way. His excuse for his behavior was that I had acted inappropriately (by telling him I loved him), and that he was the teacher, I was the student. The surprisingly cruel thing to keep closure from happening was that he NEVER praised his girlfriend, was NEVER physically affectionate with her. *I* was the one who did that. She gave a good first impression. He didn't compare me with her... he wanted me to act as if she didn't exist. He gave a blunt "it shouldn't matter to you that I already have a girlfriend." If I had seen them hold hands, her kiss him goodbye when dropping him off at work, seen her rest her head on his shoulder.... I would've been glowing. Smiling, happy, that he had found SOMEONE.

#6 Aug 12 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

greengirl91

Yes, Goldie, thank you, this

Yes, Goldie, thank you, this is true. And deep inside myself I know that too.. To make up for the fact that they are incapable of real attachment and loving other human being, they lie to themselfs as well, I think. Inventing impossible love stories, or self sabotaging themselfs on the final steps of actually being real with someone. Because they hide the awful truth even from themselfs..they know deep inside them, that they are fakes, imitations of human beings. Because they can`t admit, and be at our level, they treat us like crap, and drag us to theirs. Sick heads indeed..such a waste.

#7 Aug 12 - 8AM (Reply to #6)

Arwen

GOLDIE SO TRUE! Every narc I

GOLDIE SO TRUE! Every narc I dated told me some cockamamie story that went like this: "the love of my life was pregnant and she didn't feel good one day and drove under the bottom of a large truck on the highway and was decapitated and the baby died and I had to identify them". Another one: My great love died in my twenties - she was very sick". And many more like that!! I now realize it was all LIES LIES LIES. No one could make up these stories like these narcs can.

#8 Aug 12 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

fooled no longer

Arwen so true LOL LOL HA HA HA HA

The perfect woman who ran screaming over the horizon to get away from his lame ass and just ascended into the sky never to be seen again. Oh yeah BULLSHIT!!!

#9 Aug 12 - 4AM

adoette

GreenGirl91

"I need a person whom I can trust, wake up in the morning and see him there, hug him and kiss him, without being afraid of "what punishment I will receive for that gesture"..in other words, I want my soul to find peace, with someone who will want to give it to me as well. With someone who will deserve this, not who puts me in the seventh place of the line." You reply to your own post by this last paragraph (beautifully written, by the way). I have been remembering how low down on the blob's list I was. And how demeaning that felt. He never had time for me, was always dreadfully busy and important and swamped and overwhelmed and blah blah blah. So, in the end it doesn't matter why they are a narc or how they appear to be with someone else or anything else. What matters now is YOU and you know what you want, which is a big 'ol step on the road to recovery. Peace and hugs, Adoette PS Burn them there archives or at least let them collect dust and get moldy. =]

#10 Aug 12 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

greengirl91

Yes..I guess I did, didn`t

Yes..I guess I did, didn`t I?..It`s like, somehow inside I know the real truth, I know it will never be. But there are moments, pieces of radio songs that catch a glimpse, like stopping me by to listen. And I have to shake my head, and look the beast in the face. Without colour glasses, to hide his real face. Memories trick me sometimes. But I`d rather try and leave "in the now"..people around me, some get sick, some get married, some die (!!) and I feel sometimes like it was yesterday, since I last saw him. Crazy, I know. I`ve been hit hard, still feel like I am..but I trust there is a Higher Power out there for me too..I don`t regret choosing with my heart. I only chose a monster, because I`ve been living so much among many of the same kind. Thank you for your support!

#11 Aug 12 - 3AM

58 and going strong

Words . . . They say that

Words . . . They say that deeds speak louder. Trust your instinct and knowledge - didn't you believe at least at some point that he loved you?? Yes, they were victims, victims of someone/something that twisted their poor souls to a point of no return early in their lives. And that is truly sad. BUT: We cannot rescue them, and you know that deep inside.We cannot bring a corpse back to life, and they are the living dead. Dream of the person you want, and how that person loves you, and know that person is out there. Enhance your dreams with all the little details you can envision. Go to sleep with those dreams every night, and you will find each other, probably sooner than you can imagine now. And then life is good.

#12 Aug 12 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

greengirl91

Thank you, you are so right

Thank you, you are so right here. I felt literrally, after the final D&D that some part of me died..I still have this feeling, like I would kill the love I had for him, with each step further..it`s hard. But in the same time, so necessary for my survival. I feel like that little girl so much in love with him once, is dying now. And you`re right, returning to him, would be like returning to a dead grave every day, knowing the person has long passed away. And you can`t do nothing but, sit and watch life passing you by. I haven`t lost my faith in love, even after all this torment he put me through. Maybe that`s the biggest kick in the gut.. :-) it was also strange how "at home" I felt with him. `Till I realised, that "home" for me, meant distrust, lies, and much pain. So I kept seeking somehow, to fix and rescue something..by rescuing him. Maybe the bruised and neglected child in myself. Well, I`ll figure it out somehow :-) and maybe a decent person will find me on the way too.

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