Desperate for words of wisdom

What an idiot...I couldn't even be bothered with him...I think I would have just answered 'okay no worries' and got on with my week~end with my beautiful children. my husband died when my children were 14 and 3 so I didn't have week~ends to myself and they didn't have their dad and they turned out just fine....we got by....you can't fight fire with fire. my eldest child was not my husbands and he dad was like this I used to just let him get on with it...why stress me and the kids out when I could be having a lovely time with them....

OK, is the appropriate response. No emotion, no suggestions, and no comments. Cold and to the point. You are a brick wall. I've been doing that and it works but it's hard and painful. There is so much that I want to say to my ex but never will. And it's so hard when children are involved. Good luck to you and don't take anything he says as personal. Again, let it wash off of you.

''knowing you.'' Ugh. What a horrible exchange. I'm so sorry. I admire your strength. You carry a cross that I don't carry, with my ex N. You know, you could not reply. lol If he says...''knowing you, this won't be acceptable, etc...I can't take the kids this weekend...etc...'' Don't reply. AT ALL. LOL Wouldn't that be hilarious to read his wacked out responses after that? They hate silence. And he deserves your silence. No matter what he writes...reply nothing. When his weekend rolls around again, he will most likely take the kids, and you can just have a smug smile on your face when he picks them up. Unfortunately, all of this mayhem he is causing, hurts your kids. It hurts you, but it hurts them in ways that will be far reaching into their adulthood. When they don't come to visit him when he's old and grey, maybe then, he will have seen the harm he's done. But, you can only do so much. You can't make their dad see them. Narcs have themselves as their number one priority, and if other people and things don't fit...oh well, they just dump them. I'm sorry you're enduring this. Truly. Next time, try NC. Just no reply. It will be best for you, and trust me. It will send a message that you don't care about him, in the slightest.

What a condescending prick! Agree with AgnesMurphy on neutrality. Whenever possible, give him only short, direct responses devoid of emotion and stick to the most basic communication possible. In response to first email: "Got it" That tells him nothing other than receipt of email and since he says he KNOWS (OMG!) what your response will be before you give it, no need say anything more... ever. Feed him nothing he can respond abusively about because obviously he will turn anything you do say against you. I can only imagine how hard co-parenting would be with such an ass!

That is abusive. Berating you, the mother of his children, and insulting your intelligence? What a jerk!!!I agree the best response is none. This makes them crazy.

Here is an entry from my journal I wrote last year in July. I was going nuts (again, lol), because the disordered one (the Narc) was behaving like a Narc. I was frustrated and pissed, and this came out of the turmoil... I will continue to put one foot in front of the other to have my life, ask God to help me make choices and decisions, no more need to force any issues. I won’t make any decisions today, they will be decided by Narc (her name was here) and by God. I only want to run to ease my pain, but it will cause more pain to run, so I will just do what God tells me is right for me. Narc (deleted narcs name)is free to say, do, act and think any way she sees fit. She has all the power of choice that God gives to all human beings, and she will exercise that power in any way that she sees fit. It is not necessary for me to engineer an outcome, agree, argue, be the peace maker, point out, sell, convince, mold, worry, shape, go crazy, pout, manipulate, lecture, feel superior, feel inferior, become overwhelmed, fix, help, make more conflict, point out inconsistencies, beg, yell, cry, console, confuse, hate, ignore, approve, disagree, agitate, roll over, get stepped on, step over, fight, run, be in limbo, or chase any other distractions while this drama is unfolding. I will sit still, stay the course, pray for the presence of God, and try to be an example of temperance, moderation, and good cheer. The road to sanity sometimes passes through every other place and state of mind, with carnage and destruction littered by the roadside before sanity is achieved, and my hope is that I have the courage to live this prayer. I now know I wrote this during a moment of sanity last year. I will say in your case it is none of your business why he didn't come to get the kids. You are divorced. It doesn't matter. He will lie anyway. So who cares! To the extent that you care about the "why" is the exact amount of power he still wields over you. Narcs know some things. One thing they always know is whether they still have the power over us. He tests it in every slam and twist. In his world when you get mad ...you care. I have a 50/50 custody with my exwn. Last week she threatened (via email) to buy a house 2 doors down from mine. I knew it was a test of power. Your exnh isn't any more twisted than mine, just a better writer and probably more intelligent. But like the song says... A narc is a narc, of course, of course and no one can talk to a narc, of course........ If you need validation that he is a twisted f'ed up narcnoid assclown evil spirited dark soul wrongdoer son of satan borderline dweeble nosed scum sucking curb crawling leech infested mole making pimple producing weenie wacking asshole narcbite....then there you are, lol. God bless and know that all will heal in you if you want it bad enough! ds p.s.- in m y opinion the best response to the first email would have been---- ok.

would he love to see you lose it. What an antagonizing SOB he is! The sad thing about this is it has NOTHING to do with him seeing his kids. It's just a great way for him to attempt to torment you. I think the previous posts are great answers to how you should respond. Bite your tongue and hold your head high, and hope that he gets bored with it all. My guess is he will never make it 11 years, and once your kids get older they will start to make their own decisions on whether they want to spend time with him.

Oh my God that is so awful what he wrote, I cannot even believe what I just read, oh my God, oh my God, how horrible his statements, I am shocked that a "grown man" let alone a "father" would write such cruelties... His response did not warrant that response from your email whatsoever, you did not even act confrontational to him. He is just horrible, so sorry you have to deal with an imbecil commenting like that. Just remember, he is evil, he is destructive, he is no good. Agnesmurphy is right, would you ever get into a pissing match with an 11 year old who is not your son.. He is an adolescent looking to bully you, piss you off, get a reaction, and then,,whaaalaa,, "you're the crazy one" Do NOT FALL for his "CRAZYMAKING" attempts.. This is all it is. Read up about it, how Narcs and psychopaths use this as a ploy to drive their vicimtims crazy, by accepting no responsibility themselves for their own selves. Remember they like to be in contorl. Remember they like to make others suffer. Remember they do not love, not even their own children. Remember they like to mind torture. Remeber they "project" that they slam the other for the very thing they are guilty of. Remember, NC. I would not respond. Just carry on with your obligations like it never happened. Just ignore it. Do not react, respond, act cool as a cucumber. Just chalk it up to what a fool his is, and more evidence that you never want to deal with him again.

This situation happens all the time. His e-mail to you was simply "adolescent." There is not other word for this. Yet, as a lawyer myself, I see how the other side fuels these situations. The woman is so fed up! So sick of the devaluation. But, she cannot see that he is needling her, trying to get a rise out of her. He feeds off of pissing her off. The only response is NOT to evidence any annoyance. As the woman here said, either ask which weekend he wants as a replacement (if you like to have time alone). Or, if you prefer he does not have the children, write: "Yes. I understand. The weekend of x date the children will remain with me." A very simple & neutral confirmation. If he writes another nasty missive, you need not respond because all that matters is all know he is not picking up the children & time goes on until the next visitation weekend. You are riled because he is also demanding that you respond to his insulting missive. But, once you recognize how pathetic & adolescent he is. How he is is always YOUR victim even though he is the abusive a**hole -- recognize this as part of his pathology. Once you are so firmly convinced . . . then you can detach. You must detach. Somehow he is still getting to you. You are still falling into the traps he lays. & he feeds on you. And every time you fall into the trap, he vents his spleen & this allows other areas of his life (such as NW) to function better because he has you to abuse & gets a response so he does not have to pick on other people to feel empowered. PArt of the trick here is to never write the "YOU" word. "You say, you do, balh blah & that makes no sense." Nope. This is a feeding the vampire sentence. rarely if ever write an "I" sentence . . . I want, I think, I feel. That too is feeding the fire & he does not care about what you think or feel (and this is what upsets you so much.) In his e-mails he has built you up to be a straw man, then he knocks you down, & then further "predicts" all your future behavior. it is infuriating & they all do it. DOn't fall for it. DOn't you see how neutral my response is? "Yes. I understand. The weekend of x date the children will remain with me." Your "yes" & "I" is to validate him. Then "The weekend" becomes the subject -- everything is in the passive tense -- he is not the actor to blame, it is all a restatement of what appears to be a natural occurrence, nothing amiss. And you will have taken the wind right out of his sails. he wrote yout to needle you & blame you for his not seeing his children because you are such a b*tch. Make a scene over here so they don't notice over here what I am doing. Don't fall into the trap. Detach. Be neutral. never blame him or accuse him. Accept. OK. He cancels his weekend. Fine. Whatever. In my way you are not submitting. You are in control because you are making him believe that you are submitting. What you are doing is being in control & handling him. If your's is smart, he may pick up on this. & if he does, who cares. You are doing the right thing by being neutral & detached. neither your lawyer nor the judge will hold you in fault for the neutral responses. The point is -- if you ever feel like writing an e-mail which acutally communicates your feelings . . . don't. He is such a jerk. I know immediately. I can read it in his emails. So, so adolescent. About the emotional maturity of a 7th grader. You would not get into a pissing match with an 11 year old boy who is not your biological child. I know you fell in love & had a life with this man before you knew he was a jerk. but now you know the ugly truth. Let it go. No more "I" or "you" sentences. Everything a neutral & detached confirmation. And follow the parenting contract to a T. Anything outside of that . . . well, consult your lawyer.

They are the most irresponsible people!! Yuck! Your response, did fuel the fire! Personally the better answer would have been sure is be happy to switch weekends!! Then what's going to be his reason for not parenting again. No answer works too! Take this email to court!!! The idiot just put in writing he can't take the kids as agreed! Hunter PS He's stupid!

I don't have kids with mine but reading his email to you I could imagine my ex n writing that to me if we did. He probably does that to his ex who he does have kids with. My advice would be to just act indifferent and nice. I know we don't want to because it goes against how we feel after all they put us through and why should he just be able to pick and choose when he has the kids as if they too are just objects ! Chess pieces in his game ! But I think from reading both your emails it just gives him the chance to attack. And in such a condescending way ! Could have been written by mine ! Their play with words is unreal ! From what I'm slowly learning and it has been slow the only way to handle these freaks is no contact and where that isn't possible minimal contact. Maybe just try responding yeah that's fine. Let me know when you're having them. Like you don't give a shit. They want a reaction so they can make you feel wrong and inferior. They want a reaction full stop. Don't give it to him even though it goes against what's normal. Remember they are not normal. It just wears you down again. He wants to feel he still has power and control so just act indifferent. Give him the 2 finger salute and say whatever ! See how he's used your response to further abuse you verbally ? Just keep your responses short and sweet. That will hurt his narcissistic ego more than anything. They are so good at getting a response ! I'm no expert and I've made countless mistakes but I hope my advice helps a little. From an outsider reading this communication I can see that on his part as hunter would say its all scrambled eggs ! I think your response was good and right and to the point but see how he used it to then send that vile condescending patronising email back !!? Who do they think they are !!! Just maybe next time say ok. Lol what can the jerk say to that ! To a narc that would probably be like a hard slap in the face :) xx