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Hit the nail on the head

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#1 Sep 1 - 10AM
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

Hit the nail on the head

Was just reading the featured article about Why NC is the greatest revenge and it amazes me how just a few words clarifies what happened to me personally and just wasn't clicking.

This line, "It is because the narcissist needs other people to consistently maintain their fantasy view of themselves"

THIS is why I was D&D'ed so soon because just by me asking questions about his past and his past mistakes (which he voluntarily), wasn't about ME phishing for a story, what pissed him off is, I REMEMBERED he told me and wanted him to expand on his past mistakes. See him mentioning his past was part of the act to make it seem like "this is what I was, but now I've grown and want to TEACH you how to be as good as I am now". But the thing is, by me asking the question, meant I would find out details of what he did which may have been something horrible and I wouldn't have wanted to deal with him anymore, so he cut me loose before I could discard him.

He was trying to build an image for himself and by me asking the question, he could no longer fill this fantasy in his head or use me to make himself feel better.

Its like my therapist said, by me asking HIM questions (and I emphasis him because he asked me everything personal about myself but I couldn't ask him anything), -- I held him accountable for his actions and was reminding him of his past f-up's.

I think the thing that keeps me hanging on to this need to contact him is my need for closure, plus the fear and phobia I have of what he's said about me to his brother considering I created a website for him, plus I worry too much about what other people think about me instead of worrying about what I think about myself.

Sep 1 - 12PM
ordinarycourage
ordinarycourage's picture

Don't Ask, Don't Tell!

I had no energy to think about what others thought of me after I was D & D'd. A 16 year marriage with children and in the blink of an eye I was not even called by my name! Something telling he said when I asked him a question about quitting his job (he claims he told me he was going to, but he did NOT) was that I sounded just like his MOTHER. In other words, don't hold him accountable for his actions? I don't know how many of these N's have major issues from childhood but I'd bet it's most of them.
Sep 1 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

I cannot relate

I was no involved, married to, sleeping with the person that hurt me.
Sep 1 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

he knew i was on to him...i

he knew i was on to him...i used to tell him why he done this or what he done that for...i realy knew this man...well i would he was a replica of my exnh,who i had been with 31years...but what ever i said how ever much i said..now come on narc you know thats not true...you know you are a pathalogical liar...you know you are a predator...he still took every thing i dished out and would still come back for more...so thats the bit i dont understand...i told him he was as transparent as a pane of glass...he put up with that as well....i must have realy been good supply,or maybe it was cos i was the only women friend he hadnt had sex with...or was ever going to.....he told me much to much about him...the rest i worked out for my self....
Sep 1 - 11AM
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Smart, but not smart enough

My Narc has time and time again played the pity card. No one, and I mean NO ONE can talk to him for very long with out getting some sort of "poor me" story. He's really good at identifying empathetic targets for NS. But his mistake is that he actually gives too much away. He seems to be very much aware that he's messed up (by his parents), that he behaves the way he does because he has "guilt" issues. And when he says "guilt" what he really means is shame. I'm sure there has been a string of women (in his past AND future) who have wanted to "love him enough to fix him," without realizing that "fixing" him is an impossibility. But at least I learned a lot from all the sob stories. I learned enough to be able to understand (even if it was too late) why he is the way he is, and why he does what he does. I got D&D'd because my mistake was knowing him TOO WELL. Once I stopped kissing his a**, and had a major disagreement with him (because I was on to him), I was G O N E. But then what else can you expect of someone who has the emotional maturity of a 7 year-old?
Sep 1 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Giving too much away

The ex-Psych prof was the SAME WAY. What sort of teacher tells a student about his masturbation habits? And he has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old (he fits my toddler nephew better than the 6 year old I babysat years ago) He gave away too much. It's not just empathetic people who can overshare. He gave me LOTS of sob stories. Even after the final D&D, he was whining about how difficult it was to be a teacher. POOR ME was the motif of the whole relationship... and too bad for him, I kinda enjoyed destroying his fantasies. Just for my own kicks. The ex-P was ALWAYS afraid I'd use what he said against him... and indeed I have. When his father still lived in New England, he really shouldn't have talked about him all the time... because my brother in-law has the same first name as the ex-P's father, and like the ex-P's father, graduated from Harvard. Oh yes, I went THERE. The ex-P shouldn't have been constantly praising his father (and using his first name) in class. Oopsy. Or, "uh-oh" as my little nephew says when he drops something ;)
Sep 1 - 11AM
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

But help me with this part

"When you first begin to put "no contact" into force, the narcissist will often try to manipulate you to get you to contact him." He hasn't done anything to try and manipulate me to contact him again. The only thing he's done is given me the silent treatment. He's never said anything to me since then. So how is he trying to manipulate me to contact him again if he's not saying anything to me?
Sep 1 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
megamillion
megamillion's picture

I really relate to this

I really relate to this concern - my exN has not hoovered at all. Despite knowing that I was just an object, I also know I was the best supply she'd managed to score because I was an untapped and quickly replenished well - until the end. SO. I have asked both why is she not contacting me and how can she be trying to manipulate me, if I've not heard a peep. From what I've gathered it's 3 things at play: a) They know instinctively "how" to punish/try to control you - if you have set boundaries and said "leave me alone," they'll drive you crazy through (unwanted) contact. If you have needs to be included or have seen the effect of silent treatment on you before, they ignore you. The second strategy is my exN's main approach. b) I also agree with WakingUP, it's as simple as their new toy (supply) still has good battery power and flashing lights. Once it's been tossed on the floor a few too many times and makes a wobbly sound/fails to light up, he'll come back around. I'm sure you also know that deep down, it'll be so much better if he never does contact you. Maybe break NC to send him a box of batteries to prolong the life of his new NS?? JUST KIDDING!! c) It's too much effort. Maybe your N is not like this, but mine ABSOLUTELY takes the path of least resistance. She has the ability to work hard or pursue a goal but she usually finds shortcuts or gives up if it doesn't immediately benefit her. Despite my pain and grief, I think I was getting stronger and demanding equality/holding exN accountable. I would like to think my exN knows that I would no longer play her game and that brainwashing me all over again would be too much work. Just some thoughts - Stay strong!! NC ALL THE WAY xxx Mega
Sep 1 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
WakingUP (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

He's not trying to manipulate

He's not trying to manipulate you - at least not yet. Its likely he has other "fresher" supply. Once that is gone or in question, you'll likely hear from him then.
Sep 1 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
kizzy72
kizzy72's picture

Its so stupid because........

This guy and I were never involved and never met, so what need could he have possibly gotten from me? Why me? What I still can't seem to wrap my head around is why offer some sort of "pastoral" support for my grieving, tell me to keep up the communication, then turn right around and tell me I'm taking up too much of his time? And I don't even live where he lives. I just don't like the fact that someone displayed themselves one way then turned around and do a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde on me for nothing. Rationally I know more than likely he was drunk, was pissed off about something else way before he talked to me, then took whatever it was out on me, but he left me with mixed signals because he never told me what I did because everything I said to him on the phone that night pissed him off, then asking me how much I weighed. I don't know which caused him to cut me off. And he is the one who told me about his past arrest record, getting fired and not working for a year. Sigh, I feel like I'm going into the same circle over and over again.
Sep 1 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Wait...are you trying to get

Wait...are you trying to get INSIDE a Narc's head??? Don't do that!!!!! Who knows why he chose you, why he said what he said and then gave you the silent treatment. Honestly, it is all about him and everything he does, says, doesn't do...is all about him. You (person) were supply...why you were supply, why you are no longer (for now) supply....you may not get to the bottom of. We like to have everything in order and tied up but with Narcs..there really isn't any closure. You just have to know that YOU did NOTHING to deserve this silent treatment.