Baby steps forward

13 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 9 - 3PM

whskywmn5

Baby steps forward

Each day I stay NC I find myself getting stronger in my resolve to make a better and happier life for myself...its been almost 3 months since I made my escape from my N.....the first weeks were filled with constant tears, and as he kept up the contact trying to win me back, my mind was always in constant turmoil....but a little over a month ago I went away for a weekend by myself, to have time to do some much needed thinking....once there I had time away from my family and friends, and the questions they were always asking.....for the most part most will never truly ever know what I endured the last few years of my life...and at the age of my parents I dont feel its in their best interest to go into that detail.

Once away I reached the conclusion that I had done the only option that I had available to me....and I realized that to truly find myself and happiness again, I had to learn to love myself....so I made the decision then and there that I will not allow this man to take anymore of my life away from me than he already has... I gave him my decision that our marriage was over, and for a week he tried his sick mind games, until I reached the place I was strong enough in myself, that I wiped him completely out of my life via the computer...no emails, no chatting, nothing. Now Im 3 weeks out NC, and the peace that has brought me has been immeasurable. I now get up each day eager to face what is to come....so im slowly regaining myself.

Im not blind to the fact that I will have days where I want to rant and rage, throw things and bash his brains in....but I also know deep down inside me this is a phase that each of us has to deal with before we can cross over to the other side, one where our N no longer holds the key to any of our thoughts and emotions.

#2 Sep 11 - 5AM

uk lady

Silence is golden

Hi Whysky Have to totally agree with you. I have been out of it for 5 months and into my 5th week of NC now and my life is so much more tranquil. I am taking time out from family and friends and being gentle with myself - nobody but those who have been through this kind of trauma fully understands what it does to us. Because basically whilst we were going through it, neither did we and, coming out of it is just as difficult. I am looking deeper within myself too and for the first time in my life addressing what I consider to be my needs initially rather than running to the aid of everybody else regardless of what the impact might be on me. I am finding that I am definitely much calmer, facing any issues/problems head on before they become unsurmountable, (because I am not so worn down by others' wants/needs), more appreciative of gestures/words from others, and find that I am reciprocating much more spontaneously, taking time to smell the roses, seeing the beauty in a bright windy day, improving my fitness and gradually getting stronger. In essence, just getting back to ME, little by little. As you so rightly say, baby steps. Like you, I know I have a long way to go yet but what has manifested itself this far feels so much more rewarding and in synch with where I ultimately want to be. Thank you for posting and wishing you further strength and future happiness. We all so deserve it. Dee x

#3 Sep 11 - 6AM (Reply to #10)

whskywmn5

Thanks Dee

Yes is is golden, im not dumb enough to think eventually he wont start back with is crap.....but for now im desperately in need of this peace and tranquil time, to allow my emotions to begin the heal....an im also smart enough to realize that once he does start his bs again, my emotions will be all over the place, but it will have given me some much needed time to sort thru alot of the crap he has put me thru the last couple years....which in turn will make it some easier to keep up the hard work im doing now of trying to get my life back in order. For me its very hard to try and put muself first in my life, I have always put others first and put myself last. Maybe that was one of the things that he saw about me in the beginning and made me such a prime target for him and his bs. So now im having to learn its ok for me to take the time for just ME..... because if we dont love ourselves who else in this world is going to love us.

#4 Sep 11 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

uk lady

Hi Freaked/Whsky

Thanks Freaked - not sure what it means but it must be a positive so, good stuff. Whsky Yes, like you, I have always been a people pleaser but having gone through therapy etc intermittently over the past 18 months, have realised that it's not always necessary to be at the front of the que to offer assistance when really most times the people involved are adequately equipped to deal with whatever, themselves. Invariably nowadays, I give myself some breathing space before finally commmitting to anything. And in most cases, by then, whatever has been resolved in any case. Kinda like, in effect, learning to protect and respect my needs too by defining my personal boundaries (to myself and others) as before therapy I found that so difficult. It has been a huge learning curve but it hasn't hurt anybody and has made me feel so much better about myself. Loving the love and the pathway forward to healthier and happier future relationships in every scenario. So wish I had been taught this as a child - life would have been far easier and I feel that I would have protected myself against the P right from the start. Dee x

#5 Sep 11 - 9AM (Reply to #12)

freaked

+ive is Positive :)

Dee, I was saying that I voted on that post .. clicked the plus button to say I liked your post. +ive Vote = Positive Vote :)

#6 Sep 11 - 5AM (Reply to #9)

freaked

Dee, i gave a +Vote for your

Dee, i gave a +Vote for your post...yep Silence is Golden.

#7 Sep 10 - 5AM

Kitty02 (not verified)

Huge congratulations to you

Huge congratulations to you for your new found happiness....major respect for your bravery, (it's hard to walk away) and welcome to your new world!!! Baby~steps indeed, this is how I got to where I am now, that and not being hard on myself, believe me it is fabulous...single as a dollar and not looking for change...lol...for the time being anyway. Good luck xxx

#8 Sep 9 - 4PM

spinning

wsky, you hold the key

to a beautiful, joyful narc-free life. You are so right in that learning to love oneself is the lock that must be opened! I'm still working on it. But since I turned the corner months ago and realized that I must embrace this notion that I am worthy, valuable, nice, funny, attractive, kind, and not focus on my perceived "faults" and the loop the disordered one had me circling over and over and over, wonderful things have happened in my life. It is a work in progress. I am not always so keen on myself and still catch myself falling into the self-loathing trap. But at least now I catch it and reverse it as soon as I can (or at least try real hard), and have made progress. It really is all in baby steps. But those steps have led me to such happiness, joy, peace and bliss! I am so happy and excited for you wsky! You are truly on The Path Forward! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT TODAY. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE ON A DISORDERED FREAK.

spinning

#9 Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

whskywmn5

So true

We each do hold the key to our own success and failure in this journey we are all undertaking. Each step we take farther away from our N and the disfunction that he has brought into our lives, is one step closer to fulfilling our destiny of a Narc-free life..

#10 Sep 9 - 3PM

Layla

Explaining to others.....

We do not need to explain to others what happened to us.....sometimes it is hard to put into words and unless you have been on this side of things, they will never really understand anyway. And we don't need them to....all we need is to: TRUST OUR OWN REALITY NC was the key to my freedom. It truly was. So happy for you and the fact you are finding, and have found, peace. love~ Layla

#11 Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

whskywmn5

Very true

Unless someone has experienced what we have, I dont think they can ever truly understand the depth of our emotions and what we are dealing with on a day to day basis....I know for me, I lived for years pretending to the outside world everything was roses in my marriage, so I wouldnt have to face my family and friends and see the disappointment in their eyes.....and the funny thing was, when they did find out it wasnt the reaction that I had lived in dread of for years....they welcomed me back with open arms.... Now having said that, I still have alot of work to do....I see my son and grandsons most every day, and im slowly rebuilding a realtionship with my son, which was fractured when I moved to Canada to be with the man I considered to be my soulmate. Its a work in progress him dealing with the knowledge now that things werent what he thought, and me dealing with the fact that for years he didnt have anything to do with me, because of my decision to try to find love and a life of my own. I find that I need to work on myself...because here im safe in my little bubble so to speak, and I dont like leaving the confines of home. The friends I had before I moved there, I have talked to but only on a brief occassion....I find that I am holding myself back from them...not really sure of the reason why. I know my very best friend would be there for me, but I dont want to burden her with my pain and problems, so I avoid the problem, by not seeing her as often as I should.

#12 Sep 9 - 3PM

Hunter

Stay the course! Everyday is

Stay the course! Everyday is another narc free peaceful day! Hunter

#13 Sep 9 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

whskywmn5

Yes it is

And a Narc free day is such a blessed event.

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