It's time for something new...

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 11 - 2PM

highlander

It's time for something new...

It's time for something new for me. I seem to be stuck in a rut. It's been 10 months since she dumped me and NC, yet I still think of this and her as much as ever. As of this post, I am not going to say or write her name again. Besides the fact that my friends are over it, I'm over it too, and the constant conversation is just still keeping me in it. It's time I got OUT of it!

I have absolutely no idea what is going on with her. She has done the NC thing with me as well. I think, for me at least, NC means No Closure as well. Fine. I accept that I will never get the closure that I need, but it's important that I get beyond this anyway. I am sure that she is just following her pattern, anyway, of one guy, then another, then another, until her looks no longer have the draw that they did, which was all she had to offer anyway, now that I think of it. I do still love who I thought she was. Fantasy, I know, but it seems that that will never go away, so I will just have to live with it.

So, I'm going to try this, never to mention her, and see what happens. Maybe, just maybe...

#2 Oct 11 - 4PM

ally2375

Bramst

I can relate to this approach. But, like Hunter said, it probably won't work. :) Didn't for me, anyway. I forced myself to stop thinking/talking about him...then dreamed about him instead. Trying to stifle your thoughts is a little like swimming against the current: as soon as you let up for a moment, the tide takes you right back. Have you ever meditated? Same deal. You're supposed to clear your thoughts but inevitably you find yourself THINKING. "Uh-oh, I'm thinking. I have to stop. Now I'm thinking about not thinking. I have to clear my mind. Is it clear? Yes, I think so. Wait, no, now I'm thinking again..." It will drive you mad. Here's an alternative that worked better for me. When the thoughts would come, I would acknowledge them, then let them go. Mindfulness. I would accept what was in my head, then turn my attention back to the task at hand. A mantra helped a bunch; whenever I would fall back into thinking about Ex, I would say to myself, "it doesn't matter, it's none of my business anymore." Rather than try to build a wall, maybe try to just let the thoughts wash over you.

#3 Oct 11 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

highlander

I know! The more I try not to

I know! The more I try not to think about her, the more she is there, and thinking about her with the OM makes me crazy. I hate it!!!

#4 Oct 11 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

spinning

Ally, what a great response

and Bramst, this is sound advice. It worked for me. It is the process of "retraining the brain." The mantra thing, that is. It really, really works. It takes a conscious effort but with enough practice it becomes easier and easier and pretty soon you don't even need it any more. Your brain no longer goes there. Mindfulness practice is another great tool. Lisa has some blogs about the present moment, and practicing mindfulness also accelerated my recovery and still brings me where I am today...which is a place of true joy in life and gratitude for all the blessings. Most sincerely, (refusing to be) spinning. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO SPIN FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANYONE!

spinning

#5 Oct 11 - 2PM

Hunter

That's not gonna work!! You

That's not gonna work!! You just wrote 2 paragraphs about her! She was apart of your life for 5 years.. Sorry buddy if it was that easy we all wouldn't need to be here!! They key is to embrace what was good and move beyond the bad! Being Narced has a deeper meaning than.. Yup, she's a crazy bitch, she is no doubt, however they are reasons deep within as to why you allowed her bad behavior! That's where you will find answers and closure!! Look within! Hunter

#6 Oct 11 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

highlander

I know what you mean, Hunter.

I know what you mean, Hunter. I completely tolerated bad behavior. She even said to me, the very last time we spoke, that she had lost respect for me when she saw how much shit that I put up with from her, and didn't tell her to fuck off. Why didn't I? That's the real question here, and why in the world do I miss someone who treated me so badly so much?? I'm not still sick over this, but just have a persistent low-grade fever that won't go away. Hunter, I am tired of it!!!

#7 Oct 11 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

Caligirl

Hi, bramst. I tried not mentioning his name, and it

didn't help. I'm tired of this all too. I cried today in the shower. I feel stuck. I also put up with A LOT of bad behavior! One night he drenched me with water for talking from a spray bottle, and it soaked our mattress, so we had to sleep elsewhere. I looked like a drowned rat. Then, he walked out for awhile. Later that night, he parroted everything I said, until we fell asleep. I know why I put up with this, and I have never done so before, but I even told him I was trying to be strong. I thought I loved him more than anyone I'd ever loved, and I sensed his insecurities, so I was trying to show him how much I loved him. I wanted him to know it and feel it. I also had several losses in my life before I met him. I don't think we should be down on ourselves for loving. Her saying that she lost respect for you, bc you put up with her sh!t, is just blaming you. My exn always blamed me too. Yeh, we put up with crap, but it's bc we LOVED. The right person would see that and appreciate it. I'm 6 months out and still the wounds feel fresh some days, like it all happened last week. I have NO closure from him. I think it's just one day at a time, and to keep on moving through. Through is the only way. Let the feelings come whatever they may be. It's very painful to let go of someone we loved so much who really didn't exist, and whose real self couldn't reciprocate. I think mine wanted to, but he can't. The one thing I know he said was true, "I think I am insecure...I never change, no, I don't change." I don't know what else to say. Peace

#8 Oct 11 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

ally2375

Caligirl

I'm sorry you cried today. :( Please take heart that this is NORMAL. Right at the six month mark I felt like all progress had stopped. What I know now was that it hadn't stopped...I was just coming to terms with the full depth of the damage. I was revisiting old events and seeing them in a new (more accurate) way. My blinders were off and the past haunted me. It didn't last long. Healing is incremental and understanding of what happened and who we were involved with doesn't happen all at once. This is just a chapter in the process. It won't last forever. :)

#9 Oct 11 - 4PM (Reply to #7)

Caligirl

ally, thank you so much!

I'm so sad that I feel like bursting into tears, but I'm with family so I'm keeping it together. I was feeling some anxiety too thinking I'm at 6 months, WTF is wrong with me? I'm glad that is normal! I have been looking back and making sense out of what happened. It is becoming clearer to me from the losses I endured which led up to him. Yes, the blinders are coming off, and I'm seeing the past from a more enlightened self, but it's haunting like you said. I'm glad it won't last long! Thank you for your most comforting words, ally.

#10 Oct 11 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

highlander

Hey Caligirl (I'm a

Hey Caligirl (I'm a Caliguy!), I wish I could get some tears. Only one time since all this happened. Girls are lucky to have that ability. I've still got so much bottled up...

#11 Oct 11 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

I told someone yesterday ..

I told someone yesterday .. This " he still occupies my brain" I just ignore it now!! It can't be fixed, we had cancer its cured but you can't forget how had the recovery was!! You need to find things to be grateful for! I just got off a pissy conversation with a co worker! She is frustrated with another's work, the co worker burried her 2month old baby a few months back.baby died suddenly, The girl seems to be doing relatively well considering!! But she does fuck up now and then! You know what this bitch complaining said " a.. We all have problems" Really.. No shit.. How ever "as bad as our problems are.. you or I didn't put a 2 month old in a box forever"! I guess what I'm trying to say is we need to accept this and keep going, and never let this happen again! Shit happens.. Dealing with it is not always easy but in the end there is a lesson to be learned! Hunter

#12 Oct 11 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

highlander

I know. I'm somewhat

I know. I'm somewhat embarrassed about letting her get to me like this. My grandmother (who raised me) used to say, " I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet". I have so much to be thankful for, and so many blessings. Many of the stories I read hear are so heartbreaking and so far worse than mine. I just thank God that we had no financial entanglements or children together. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this fever, but if I have to, I will, and once I do get some funding, I know, for sure that I won't be the one with regrets... B

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